Colours of My Life...

I got this from Hansac....

Free personality analysis from ColorQuiz.com.

Your Existing Situation
Works well in cooperation with others but is disinclined to take the leading role. Needs a personal life of mutual understanding and freedom from discord.

Yup, i don't like the responsibilities.....

Your Stress Sources
Seeks independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoids obligations or anything which might prove hampering. She is being subjected to considerable pressure and wants to escape from it so that she can obtain what she needs, but tends to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this.

Perhaps the reason i am not too fancy about having kids??

Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels she is receiving less than her share, but that she will have to conform and make the best of her situation.

Yeah, make the best of what i have... like the 3 year old Wira...

Wants to broaden her fields of activity and insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic.

Aren't they?? Kekekeke...

Distressed by the fear that she may be prevented from doing what she wants; needs both peaceful conditions and quiet reassurance to restore her confidence.

Uh..huh... Do not like to be pressured!!

Very exacting in the standards she applies to her choice of a partner and seeking a rather unrealistic perfection in her sex life.

What da F*** ^&*(*&^%$..... ??? Unrealistic is ittttt???

Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity, but tries to avoid conflict.

Able ke?? Only agree with the latter...

Your Desired Objective
Longs for a tender and sympathetic bond and for a situation of idealized harmony. Has an imperative need for tenderness and affection. Susceptible to anything esthetic.

Yeah, i am an emotional pervert... so shoot me!!

Your Actual Problem
Seeks to avoid criticism and to prevent restriction of her freedom to act, and to decide for herself by the exercise of great personal charm in her dealings with others.

I guess so... been getting a lot of them..

Your Actual Problem #2
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy.

Like falling in love with that someone??? Yeah... i'm anxious, stressful.... does that explain the carbohydrate binge?? Kekekeke... just finding something to be blamed eehhh!! Unadmitted adequacy... i guess my ego is always in the way...

She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.

Like blogworld.... *sigh*

Shopping sakan...

I was on a shopping spree yesterday accompanied by sis ( mentang-mentang la dapat cheque…)

Bought:

Cat stuff:
Feline Science Diet 10kg (should last 3 months)
Cat litter 5 packs
Tinned cat food 4
RM164

Oven Toaster
RM78

Watson:
St Ives Facial Scrub
Ferraro Roche 2
Body scrub (yeahhh…. Scrub those dead epithelial cells away)
RM34

Groceries:
Nescafe latte
Frozen pizza
Frozen lasagna (mentang-mentang la dah beli oven toaster)
Ikan bawal.. sekor je…. (Jadilah orang bujang kan…)
Ikan kembung 4 ekor
Prawns
Kailan
Tomatoes
Red chillies
Celery
Frozen veggies
Ladies Finger (Oiittt… not my finger aahhh)
Fishball
Sausages
Cream cheese
Meehoon segera
Chillie sauce
Thai chillie sauce
Oranges
Watermelon
Whiskas cat food (yang peket punya, for treats if the kitties behave)
Kiwi Kleen floor cleaner
Kiwi Kleen multipurpose cleaner
Kiwi Kleen toilet cleaner
(pastu dapat spin…. Free gift: Kiwi Kleen fabric prewash.... woohhoooo)
Roasted garlic
Apple juice
Orange juice
Yogurt drink and yogurt
Fernleaf powdered milk (untuk kanak-kanak membesar… kekekeke... No laaa... prevention from osteoporosis!!)
Cheezels
RM202

Parking
RM0.50

Dinner at Teppanyaki
RM24

Kalau tsunami…. Cukup la bekalan sebulan niiihhhh… I think the total spent is more than the amount of the cheque itself.... aiseehhh!!!

P/s: Do not... i repeat... DO NOT... shop with an empty stomach. Beginilah jadinyaaaaa.....

Nightmare On Tasik Permaisuri Street...

I had the strangest dream last night. A few dreams actually. Like one of my movie marathon. With multiple different stories and characters. Mak and Abah were in it. Even that someone was in it too… kekekekeke!!!!. I couldn’t recall much now. But this one was the weirdest.

I was in an operation theatre. Instead of operating, I was learning how to give anaesthesia. Neck block?? I was puncturing a dummy’s neck. Then there was people going to this surau to pray and I had to borrow somebody’s telekung to pray too. We took our turns.

Then I woke up around 5.30am. Took my shower and waited for subuh. Bersemangat nak start the day early after wasting the whole day yesterday. But I accidently slept again, and what was weird, I dreamt about the operation theatre again!! Same people, same settings. The twist was, I was the one who was supposed to be operated instead. But somehow I managed to escape…. Muahahahahaha!!!!…

This time I saw that telekung again, and everyone queueing up at the ablution. I was the first, but as I was finishing, people gave me this angry look coz there was this “Datuk” who was supposed to go first. Even my arwah Opah was there but I could not remember what she did. I remember telling her what I dreamt about, the operation theatre and stuff. Wow… a dream within a dream?? Spoookkyyyyy!!!!....

Funny… it is like watching a drama series, episode one… then episode two. Samarinda betul la.

Is it the stress? Should I be more kusyuk in my solat? Me missing him?? Dunno la….

But I woke up with goosebumps all over…

An Interview With The Vampire..

Some people call it lovebite, or gigitan berahi (direct translation maaaa…). Some call it a hickie.

A friend of mine, Z, is a isteri mithali of sort. I have mentioned about her couple of times in my previous blog (sapa nak tau, pi la cari sendiri ye… me tak reti nak link-link ni). Having an attention seeker husband can be tiring. Kena belai, kena kasi attention, kena layan… anak tolak ke tepi dulu. Pantang lepa sikit, terus jatuh chenta kat awek lain. Unfortunately, her husband is like that. So, dia pun pantang la kalau husband call je, macam lipas kudung kena balik, even when she’s having a discussion or study group with us.

So, cerita ni bukan la sebab me jaki kat orang dah berumahtangga ni. Tapi something yang membuat me heran dan terfikir sekejap (macam la takde benda lain yang berfaedah nak fikir kan?) Lantak la…. My blog wwuutttt!!!!

Me and 4 other gals including her stayed in one of our colleague’s family vacation house when we attended a seminar at Kota Bharu recently. Malam tu semua la menayang baju kelawar masing-masing. Baju kelawar or kaftan ni kira baju tidur nasional wanita di Malaysia la kan? Anyways, masa tengah nak dinner, tiba-tiba je me terpandang kat tengkuk dia.

UIKSS?? UYYOOOOOOO!!!!!! (dalam hati la…)

Kalau orang dah kahwin ada hickie kat tengkuk tu, biasa la kan. Orang yang belum kawin ada hickies pun, orang tutup mata je sekarang ni. My fren si Z ni pun, memang on and off ada hickie kat tengkuk dia. Especially kalau hari ni dia gaduh dengan hubby dia, esok siap la ada hickie tanda dah reconcile balik.

Tapi kalau dah ada LAPAN….8… (Yeah, I counted, just couldn’t resist myself), bentuk macam one big ring of hickies…. Aiyyoooooo!!!! Kalau dalam medical term… bukan lagi bruise, dah ecchymoses tuuuu!!! Tu belum di sebalik kaftan lagik tuuu. Entah berapa lagi yang ada.… deeeiiii meenaacchiiii!!!

Tapi me yang memang minah cool, buat muka selamba je la kan. Buat-buat tak nampak. Dalam group tu, me sorang je belum kawin. Orang lain pun nampak selamba je. I thought I was overacting. So, dendiam je la kan. Tapi memang la I kept on looking at it. Kekekekeke…

Lepas tu, balik kelambu conversation with my 2 other friends…

H: Mi…. did you notice Z’s neck…

Me: Kekekekeke… yeaahhhh…(fuhhhh… ingatkan I sorang je yang awweeddd by it)

H: Eeeeeewwwwww….. so many!!!!!

Me: Ye la…. Kan separated for 2 days. Buat bekalan la tu agaknye…

M: Still… geli laaaaaaa. Shouldn’t she wear a turtle neck or something? Ni tak, she flaunt it as if it is not obvious. Kalau I, malu la weeeiiii…. I pun berlaki jugak… Sex maniac tul la hubby dia…

H: Kalau I.. hmm… pengsannn… pengsaannnn!!!

Coming from my other married friends, I couldn’t stop laughing….



So yesterday, I met Z again without her tudung as she was about to take her wuduk…

Yep, another huge hickie there….


Lestat had striked again…

Anak Abah II

My Abah is the gentlestest (pencemaran bahasa) man I know, especially towards his 2 daughters, although he himself had a hard life since small.

He was born to arwah Opah and Atuk back when Jepun sedang menyerang Malaya.

Opah once told me, “Askar Jepun tu nyoghok bawoh ghumoh (the Japs hid under the house). Semua oghang senyaaapp aje le, takut bebenor deme naik ataih (everyone kept quiet, too afraid that the Japs will enter the house).” My grandparent’s house has high pillars. Kira boleh la nak main masak-masak or parking kereta bawah rumah tu.

Atuk pulak, being the imam and bilal of the kampong, used to mandikan orang yang kena bunuh dek Jepun ni. Atuk told me… in one instance, he had to wash someone’s intestine, then put everything back inside the dead person’s stomach. Atuk demam the next day.

Arwah Atuk worked in the kapal korek in Batu Gajah. At that time, the area was prosperous with tin. However not prosperous for Abah’s family. Kira kais pagi, makan pagi. Kais petang, makan petang. But it was the norm at that time. Everybody else was poor too.

Subuh Atuk will go menoreh, and Abah tagged along sometimes. Kalau tak sekolah, Abah will kutip getah sekerap untuk belanja poket. Then later during the day, Atuk left for the tin mines, coming back late at night. The hard work took its toll on Atuk’s knees. I think he had osteoarthritis after years of standing and soaking in the water. He used to buy painkillers from the singseh. I think those medicine damaged his kidneys. I had just entered science matriculation when Atuk passed away. His kidneys failed him.

Being the not so educated people back then, Atuk still had his vision. He wanted his kids to masuk sekolah omputeh. Despite sindiran jiran-jiran lain. Mak We who is Abah’s elder sister, went to English school. But she married early and that was the end of her formal education. Abah’s younger brothers all entered sekolah aliran Inggeris and boarding school. Tapi tak berapa menjadi. I guess one appreciate things more when it is harder to come by.

Abah completed his secondary school, but could not continue further to form 6. They simply could not afford it. Ada 3 more siblings nak sekolah. Atuk instilled the importance of education to all his children. Just like that trait sayangkan binatang, Abah inherited that from Atuk and passed on to us children.

“Orang zaman dulu bukannya tak pandai. Cuma takde peluang. Miskin… macam Abah dulu” Abah said.

I remember Opah telling me,

“Bukannye Opah tak bagi Abah kome ngaji tinggi-tinggi, tapi takde duit. Kesian juge Opah tengok abah kome sekolah jauh. Berbatu-batu naik basikaa. Ada sekali tu, Opah ingatkan abah kome udoh balik, dengo bunyi basikaa die. Tapi lepaih tu senyap je. Opah pegi le nengok ape ke haa(hal) budok ni, ghopenye(rupanya) abah kome udoh terbaghing kat tangge. Letih bebenor. Udoh tak sempat masuk ke ghomah,” I saw tears bergenang kat mata Opah masa tu.

Abah never gave up. At age 38 with 2 kids in tow, he accepted the offer to continue his degree in TESL UPM. Siap masuk suratkhabar, mahasiswa tua. Hehehehe... Mak still kept the newspaper clipping. Although many told off Abah, even his siblings… Dah tua pun nak belajar lagi?? Abah proved to everyone. He was the first and only University graduate in his family.

Abah took after arwah Atuk in almost everything. His looks, his demeanor, gentleness, his quietness, his wisdom, his love for cats. But Abah is of course not perfect. He is not romatic or lovey dovey guy. He is the total opposite from Mak. Mak is loud, he is quiet. Mak is extrovert, Abah introvert. Mak loves the limelight and attention, Abah prefers to stay in the background and observe. Whenever Mak starts to nag, Abah will keep quiet and pretend reading the newpaper. Mak will get frustrated and stopped on her own. It worked everytime. Hehehehe… (Abah memang terer bab psikologi ni).

Mak have a small pelvic bone, so natural childbirth was impossible for her. After the second Csection to deliver my sister, the obstetrician told Abah, it would be dangerous for Mak to have a 3rd operation. Abah agreed for Mak to have tubal ligation there and then, though Mak was still young. At 32 she could still have more kids.

“Abah tak nyesal ke takde anak lelaki?” I asked. His answer was simple “Sama je anak lelaki, anak perempuan. Yang penting bila besar, jadi orang yang berguna”.

Abah is not an affectionate person. He doesn’t hug or kiss us. But my sis and I know he loves us very much.

Sometimes Abah show his love and concern in a funny way. What I wrote in my previous blog is just an example of his antics. He used to buy me diet pills la, slimmimg bengkung la, never giving up though i had, many times over. But whenever i balik kampung, he'll buy all those food that i love. Cam mana ni Bah?? How to kurus laaa like dat??

He was the one who signed me up for driving class. Who encouraged me to further my studies.

"Orang perempuan kena berdikari. Jangan nak mengharap kat suami je"

Yup, that's my Abah.

To all the Abah, Ayah, Papa, Bapak, Daddy, Abi… love thy daughters and teach them well.

Dearest Abah…. I love you.

Lapan lagi...

Dunno why sejak semenjak dua ni asyik kelaparaannnnn je. Been on carbohydrate binge. Pantang nampak eateries, sure nak singgah la… nak tapau la.

Blame it on the stress yeaahhh!!!! Tapi bila rasa baju dah makin ketat… makin la bertambah stress. Vicious cycle!!! Kalau dah memontel sangat, mamat MBA pun takmo kakakakaka!!! (sorry, high on caffeine again!)

Bangun pagi terus lapooorrrr…..

Took 2 bread… tepek cream cheese then tuna… nyaammmmm.

Lapo lagi...

Goreng kueyteow segera. Konon nak try kuey teow goreng segera Indomie… Alamak ada MSG la. Apasal masa beli tak perasan aaaa??? Turun lagi la my IQ. So, tuang half je serbuk perisa dia. Campak fishcake, then telur sebiji. Tak sempat nak hiris bawang, tabor je bawang goreng… naaahhhh kaauuu.... Tak sampai lima minit habis sepinggan…

Errrpp… alhamdulillah.

Lunch nak makan apa yek?? Ya rabbi…. Kuey teow belum hancur lagi dah fikir lunch. Cam mana neeiiiii??? Dah la malas exercise. Blame it on… takde masa… kekekeke!!

Guilty… guilty…(tunduk muka sambil raba pipi yg makin tembam).


PS: Sambil kunyah kuey teow, imagine tengah buat power aerobics… lapan lagi!!!…nyaamm nyaamm...

Me ... and my thoughts

I think i shall stop sharing my love life for the world to scrutinize..

My life is what i make it to be...

My happiness is what i decide which state i want to be in...

I shall fill myself with happy, positive thoughts...

I shall not whine or sound ungrateful...

Marriage is not the answer to EVERYTHING...

Finding the soulmate is a life time journey... i repeat.. a LIFETIME.. and i am only 32, only...

I shall not cry no more...

I will build that fort around me... the one i let crumbled not too long ago...

My emotions will be harder than steel...

My heart will be colder than Alaska...

My face wears that stuporous, lifeless, emotionless, glassy, halloween mask...

I have strived alone...

I was sick... and recovered.. alone...

I was happy and misearable... alone

So, what if there is that one human being out there who would like to share some bits of life with me? Just one. Something wrong with that?


Just me... and my thoughts

Agensi Mencari Jodoh..

I can’t believe what Abah did. I know it was out of pure love for me… but maaaannnn… I just can’t believe it came from Abah. Maybe Mak….. but Abah??? Maaannnn….

*******************

My sister gave me a letter when she came by on Tuesday…. My name was on the envelope, but hmmm….. funny I thought, it was not my full name….

I opened the letter….

CALON BERKENAN DI HATI MAJALAH CE***N

Merujuk kepada perkara di atas, pihak kami menerima borang permohonan Encik/Cik untuk memilih peserta kelab Khidmat Membina Masjid.

Say whaaattt???

Borang calon dicari:
…………
My particulars were there!!! And my signature?? Abah forged my signature!!!!

Calon berkenan di hati: No KMM 3**

Abah chose a guy for me?? This is weirder than that reality tv programme where a bunch of kids look for a woman for their dad….

Nama: *****
Umur: 39
Warna Kulit: Sawo Matang
Tinggi: 169cm
Pekerjaan: Pengurus (MBA) <-- siap ada tulis mba lagikkkkk..
Status: Bujang/teruna <-- teruna?? Biar betul…. At 39???

Butir-butir calon dicari:
Umur: 23-32 <-- another year and I would have missed the boat aye Captain??
Status: Dara, bertudung, kulit putih
Pekerjaan: Siswazah/masters <-- Masteerrsssssss wa cakaap luuu… high tastenyaaa!!!!…. Naïve ke ape entah la. Don`t guys know that having intelligent, independent wife gives them more headaches?? Nak reason out things la… nak convince her to do this and that la…

Yeah, there was a picture too.

I almost threw the letter away when I first saw it. Almost forgotten all about it, until Abah called tonight…. Asking me to reconsider….

I thought I’ve asked Mak to tell Abah, I don’t like to be advertised like that. Don’t have to stoop THAT low. I am no desperado okay!! I still have my dignity and ego, whatever is left of it now. I am sure Abah paid some kind of fees. He denied it but I saw the postal order numbers.

Maannn…oohhhh maaannnn….

Somebody shoot meeee....... nowwww!!...... Puhhlleeezzzzz!!!!!

Groceries

I slept the whole day yesterday, apart from blogging....

Tak produktif langsung. Macam mana la nak jadi Melayu 'Glokal' neeiii??

List:

1. Beras.... my mum will kill me if i don't have beras at home. One of her pantang-larang...

2. Maggie mee.... pelbagai perisa. Stok apabila kemalasan melanda.

3. Chicken

4. Cheese

5. Frozen pau... another alternative for lazy season

6. Frozen kuih chang...

7. Ikan masin jeruk.... to be eaten with kuih chang

8. Cabbage

9. Tomatoes

10. Carrots.... my sight is failing me

11. Onions

12. Cat food.... cheaper than babies milk formula

13. Prawns

14. Sotong.... perencah untuk menyedapkan maggie. I don`t like plain maggie. Letak lotsa perencah baru sedap.

15. Eggs

16. Sardines

17. Tuna

18. Baked beans

19. Curry mutton... to eat with that leftover roti canai

20. Renewed my Jayajusco card

Not in the list:

21. Popia goreng.... nampak sedap je.

22. Nescafe Mocha.... to prevent from sleeping early

23. Cheesecake... ok i`m guiltyyyyy.... guillttyyyy!!!!

24. Cheese spread..... overindulgence!!

Almost bought a blouse.... shoe.....bantal....tilam... almosstttt!!! Nasib baik iman masih kuat. All in all including lunch, spent RM180. Kopaakkk.... kopaakkkk!!!!

New blog...

After a few futile attempts to correct my old blog which was 'senget', i have decided to change the whole blog in its entirety. Unfortunately, i lost my haloscan and its comments in the process. Because of this, i must apologize to those who have contributed in my blog, especially their kind words and most appreciated advice.

New blog, still ole' me....

Mengapa harus cinta....

mengapa harus cinta

kelu ada yang berpisah oh

tak ku mungkin mengerti....

mengapa harus kasih

pastikan jua berakhir sayang

tak sanggup ku menanggung pilu ini....

********************

He took the earliest morning flight, which somewhat angered me. It had been a couple of weeks since we last met, and the next meeting would be ... what... next year?? Am i not important enough for him to stay a few hours longer?

I kept looking at the watch. 45 minutes more…. 38….25…. Why won’t the time just freeze? Why couldn’t things stay this way? Why do we have to go back to our mundane tasks and daily living? For the past few days, I was happy. Very happy. If everything is taken away from me, in order to get those happy moments, I wouldn’t blink an eye. I would grab that moment and die with a smile on my face.

20…. He kissed my cheeks and squeezed my hands. My heart ached. I saw him disappeared down the escalator. I felt empty. That familiar emptiness…. Oh!! So damn familiar. I have known and lived those feelings. Somehow, it managed to haunt me wherever, whenever…. Like a curse..... Like a best friend.

I was blurry eyed, too oblivious of the surroundings. The hustle and bustle of the airport seemed like something distant. When he called, I almost choked. I didn’t say much though only God knows how much I wanted to say I love him so, wanted him to know how I felt…

Love hurts. The separation hurts. Not knowing what the future holds for you, hurts even more. And it’s killing me slowly, softly. Will it be better if you don’t love in the first place? Then you are not capable of getting hurt. You won’t miss those things you never had, because it wasn't there in the first place. Perhaps… that’s an easier way out. Do those lovely, warm, tickly sensations surpass the sorrow, ache and hurt?

********************

Mengapa harus cinta…

If only i knew the answer to that…

Movies galore...

I watched 2 movies back to back last friday.... tak kerja.... kekekekeke

Fantastic four:

Four words...... Chris Evans The Torch!!!

That body.... that smile.... that hot temper.... that cheeky face.... uurrrgghhhhhh!!!!!
But a comic, IS a COMIC.


War of the worlds:

Letup...letup....run....run...letup...letup....run..run...scream..... tembak...tembak....letup....run....run......lagi....then the aliens died....

and tom cruise is a good dad after all....


Next movies in line:

Stealth
Red eye
Amityville horror..... ehhhh... err...err.....

Bola-bola 1 to bola-bola 2...

Bola-bola 1 to bola-bola 2....

Saya ingin melaporkan yang lapuran-lapuran kes saya yang berjumlah 10 buah itu telah pun berjaya disiapkan dengan begitu pantas sekali. Namun begitu, sama ada kualitinya telah mencapai tahap piawaian SIRIM masih belum dapat dipastikan lagi. Tempoh masa setahun yang diberi, telah berjaya dipendekkan ke 6 minggu sahaja. Satu rekod yang belum pernah dipecahkan lagi oleh mana-mana bola.

Bola-bola 1 to bola-bola 2...... over and out...

***********

Yes, i managed to finish up all my case reports. Now, hopefully i can study with a peace of mind.


But during that 6 weeks period, i think i shed more hairs than Misha and Memeng combined......

Pecah Kaca, Pecah Gelas...

.
Pecah kaca, pecah gelas....


No, tak suruh balas apa-apa pun.

Nope, not my heart that got broken this time....


It's my car front windshield.... ^&((T%$#%^&...

I did not go out this weekend. Was cooped up in the house doing case reports. Yeah…. managed to finish no 8. No 9 and 10 halfway thru. It is like you didn’t have the weekend off. If I have a hubby, he would look for another woman. If I have a baby, he or she would think Bibik is the mommy. If my parents stay with me, I’ll be cursed like Si Tanggang into an iceberg. Breathe reports, eat reports, sleep reports. Worse than the football World Cup. And it is not even exam week yet…. Urghh!!

So, finally get to smell the outside air. Went into the car. As usual do morning exercise by pushing other cars that blocked mine. Nasib baik le proton satria je. Kalau Proton perdana, nak tercirit menolaknya. But sometimes it can be tricky, coz the road can be uneven. So, if the car slide and hit other cars, I just won’t be bothered.

Just starting to warm up the car…. Eh..eh.. something wrong here.

AAAAARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!

A crack on the windshield!!!! Right where i paste my road tax.

A cobweb of broken glass, the size of my palm.

Pastu ada streaaakkkkksss that ran till the roof.

Bloody hell!!!

I went out of the car, looking for clues of the crime. Where is Horatio when you need 'em????Too late I guess. This could have happened on Friday, or Saturday, or yesterday. I wouldn`t have known. I don`t remember getting hit by any stones while driving, mana ada ke mana pun. Pergi kerja, balik kerja aje. Stupid of me to park next to the building. Ni mesti ada budak yang baling batu.

Budak-budak kat my flat ni memang macam pelesit, kurang ajar. Semalam baru je I marah sebab letak anak kucing dalam lopak air, mengigil-gigil anak kucing tu. As usual, I could not resist. Ambik the kitten, dried it up, pastu letak dalam kotak alas my baju buruk, then gave back to its mommy.

My other hypothesis (eh..eh.. macam buat report... ) would be ada yang buang something from the 10th floor ke, 15th ke…. The higher you are, the greater weight when you fall. Even batu kecik can cause a lot of damage. Rule of gravity. If only I could get the culprit, nak ku korek dua-dua bijik matanya, or cucuk mata dia… yeah Kassim Selamat resurrected!!!

Went to my regular workshop. I think depa dah recognize my face. Dari jauh dah tegur. Sent my Kancil here before, then my dad`s car masa I pinjam dulu, then my wira ni aje entah dah berapa kali. Service, balancing, beli tayar, tukar spark plug, air filter dan entah hape-hape lagi. This time tukar cermin, kopak la RM300++.

Nak pi Kelantan for conference lagi. Fee dah RM200, tiket plane dah RM250, hutang credit card lagi….. maaaakkk ooiiiii.

My financial woes have just begunnnn…..


Suddenly i saw that Elantra, Altis and Honda City driving further and further away from me……

Love Boat

Yesterday, did not turn out as bad as I thought. Pretty good actually. Grand round tak jadi. So I had a lot of time to finish up some of my case reports. Orang kasi setahun siapkan 10 case reports, I took a month to finish 7. Expressssss…. But even if I really took my time, the quality and time spent would be the same. I have 3 more…. Must finish them by this weekend. Dah nak muntah tengok patients’ tickets. Padan muka.

But me, sejak azalinya memang last-minute person. Study last minute, buat kerja apa pun last minute. Kawin pun last minute kuutt?? Heh… I think I need the adrenaline rush to push me to do work. I work better under pressure.

Yesterday, was our first Friday journal club and case presentation. Selalunya hari Sabtu. Thank you Pak Lah for giving us the weekend off!!! One big boss dah pergi Vienna. Another MC. So, tinggal le sorang je consultant to conduct that session.

Dia ni terkenal la dengan garangnya. Even the head of department pun ikut cakap dia. Even those ex-students dia yang laaa ni dah jadi professor madya pun ketarq bila mention her name. Tapi at times, she does act and sound like a human. Even ada sense of humour lagiikkk..... She`s like that when the other big bosses are not there. She pulled her guards down bila the other consultants are not around. Bukan intimidated, but she keeps a low profile. Bila semua dah comment, baru dia bersuara..

I dunno why, but she and me hit it off quite ok since the beginning. Maybe because of our love for cats, sorta put us in the same sistahood. Or maybe my sense of humour, or my selambaness bila kena marah, or perhaps my lack of feeling intimidated by her. Her favourite pastime memang menakutkan org, esp the junior doctors. Lagi member tu kecut, lagi she will jegilkan bijik mata and marah. Honestly, i think she is just laughing inside. I still remember during my junior years, the seniors will send yours truly to ask her questions they didn`t dare to ask. To fix classes date. To show her a complicated case etc etc. My colleagues still do that to me now.

Me and my 2 best friends stayed back after that. One was on-call, the other just wanna stick around and do some studying. Besides, her hubby will be home late. Kat rumah anak2 notty, tak boleh study langsung. Kalau hubby balik awal, call je, mencicit la dia balik. I dunno kenapa la lelaki ni sometimes tak faham… or buat-buat tak faham kut????. Sama-sama kerja, sama-sama letih. Tapi demand jugak nak bini balik masak la, layan dia la. Study entah ke mana, kerja entah ke mana. Kurang layan sikit, pi berskandal dengan pompuan lain. Pity her….

Anyways, these 2 are my bestest friends. I don`t have many. Kalau dulu ada pun, bila dah berlaki je, terus hilang. It`s like their world now only revolve around the husband and kids. So, my 2 friends ni never fail to butt into my love life, in a friendly manner la kan, or whatever insignificant life I have..

H: So macam mana dengan mamat tu?? Apa progress?

Me: Entah la. Susah betul la forbidden love ni. Tengah in limbo.

Z: Dulu I caught my hubby baru nak buat affair dgn pompuan lain. Nasib baik dah settle. Now my sis pulak found her hubby dok sms dgn pompuan lain. Tengah gaduh besar tu.

H: Mennn….

Me: Yeah…. Meeennn (Oh man … oh man… Apasal tetiba je rasa semacam neeiihhh???)

Z: Then I met my old classmate. Dah kurus. Cekeding. So sembang over coffee. Dia cerita hubby dia pun ada affair dgn pompuan lain, duk chat and sms. Dah setahunnnn…. Dah plan nak kawin. Makan hati dia sampai kurus. Aduuiii…. Apasal la lelaki ni tak boleh setia dengan sorang…

H: Ye la…. Eh Mi, kalau that mamat tu nak tambah lagi sorang, are you willing??

Me: (Langkah mayatku duluuuuuuuu!! Ehh...ehhh... Pompuan tak sedar diri kut me ni) Entah la. Kasi la kut (walaupun tak rela sebenarnya, but do I have the right to say no??? huh!!). Tapi tengokla pompuan macam mana. Kalau dapat yang gedik, atau pisau cukur… tak boleh la.

H: Dah tu kalau dia naaaaakkkkkk jugak cam mana?

Me: Kasi je la kut. Karang duk buat benih haram, I pun berdosa sekali.

Z: Susah betul la kan. Takkan la asyik nak cek depa punya sms, asyik nak suspicious je. Banyak lagi benda lain nak buat. Kalau tak boleh percaya kat hubby, nak percaya kat siapa lagi?

Three of us:….*sigh*

Then tonight, I had a pleasant surprise. My *abang angkat* called. I`ve known him since 1999. I think he wanted to mengurat me back then. But I was already in a relationship. Then it was off, then it was on again. Kalah lampu kelip-kelip yang org pasang bila nak raya tu. He sounded like a responsible person. Ada syarikat sendiri. Hormat kat org tua, his parents stay with him. Entah kenapa, he said he dreamt about me last night. So he found my phone number, and called me up. I think the last time I spoke to him was more than a year ago. He was already married then.

Him: Bila nak kahwin ni? Asyik kerja, study, kerja, study…

Me: Entah laaa. Dah org tak nak kat kita, nak buat cam mana?

Him: Tu la dulu abang mengurat, dia yang takmo.

Me: Bila masa la abg mengurat? Asyik busy je pi outstation sana-sini. (yeah, he was always busy going all over the place to expand his business)

Him: Ada…. Tapi masa tu mi tengah ada bf. Kahwin tak dengan budak tu?

Me: Hmm… tak jadi. Takde jodoh dengan dia.

Him: Alahai…. Habis tu macam mana?

Me: Macam ni laaaaa…. Kekekekekeke (Haaa gelak laaaa…. dalam hati Tuhan aje yang tahu *sigh*) Errrr... business cam mana (nak tukar subjek)? Berapa dah anak abang? Berapa dah anak syarikat? anak kucing?

Him: Anak dah 3 dah. Anak syarikat dah 3..... maybe nak kembangkan lagi...

Me: Waahhh.... tahniah la.

Him: Bila nak habis masters ni?

Me: Insyaallah, setahun lagi...

Him: Abang pun sekarang duk buat masters jugak. Ambik HR.

Me: Rajin abang yek, dulu ambik degree sambil kerja. Now, masters pulak. Nak celeenn (challenge) kita yekkk??

Him: Mestilah... hehehehe

Me: Kakak dan anak-anak sihat ke? Kakak kerja ke?

Him: Sihat. Dia duk rumah je. Next year nak bawak depa pi Europe. Last year bawak depa jalan pi Korea.

Me: Bestnyaaaa.... Kita Cameron Highlands punnnn tak sampai-sampai lagi. (Awat laaaa tak ngorat dia ni dulu. Kalau tak, boleh jadik full time housewife. Dapat travel around the world. Beranak je kerja. Missed the boat i have....*sigh*).

Him: Tu la asyik nak belajar je...

Me: Tuntut ilmu hingga ke liang lahad bang... (Maaannnnnn.... i really missed the boat)

Shall i take the plane then???

Once broken....

I have been through a lot of relationships. Though, none of them work out, we did not part screaming at each other's faces. We did not say vulgar words to each other. We simply said our goodbyes and get on with our lives. If we are to meet again, it will be as strangers.

I have never been abusive, never physically, never verbally. I think i have a soft and gentle heart that cries for the animals they put down in SPCA, for the smiling faces of the lonely old couple who enjoyed the taste of mee goreng mamak and ice-cream for the first time in 3 years (Bersamamu programme at TV3 yesterday). I talk politely especially to older people. I call older women kakak, makcik and men, abang (well, not that often coz it usually becomes a misinterpretation of me trying to flirt with them), pakcik, ah so, auntie, uncle etc etc.

But when i be nice to others, i expected others to be nice to me. When i act politely to others, even among those who do not concern me ie. taxi drivers, makcik who sells goreng pisang, the cashier at jayajusco... i expected others to act politely to me too. Even in the midst of an argument, or a heightened conversation. Yes, at 32, i am still naive like that.

My principle in life is.. do unto others, what you want others do unto you. And yes, i was wrong. Man.... oh man... was i wrong.

For hours, i had to listen to arrogantly spoken speech, carefully twisted explanation, details and details of defensive justification and harsh words. I was too dumbfounded, too dazed... coming from someone who had promised the world to me.

I felt crushed. I felt like being in the darkest place, crouching, hiding behind the shadows, like an injured animal. The sweet words uttered before, felt tasteless now. The jokes not humourous. The promises meaningless. It has come back to square one. Back to A... back to alif.

Was it all a waste of time? The emotional torment. The effort, the energy spent. The roller coaster feelings. Am i too sensitive, or the other party is just too oblivious?

Why does something so right, felt so wrong?

I shan't cry no more.

I have no more tears to shed.....

Nice to touch, nice to hold

Once broken.....

SimplePlan...

No, it's not that music group.

I think I am just a simple, average woman.

I am not super duper intelligent. I think my IQ score is within the normal population. Right in the middle of the normal curve. You don’t need high IQ to do what I do, just lots and lots of perseverance.

I am not a complex person nor am i a single track minded person. I am opinionated(#118 reason why single men avoid me like a plague). I am not Titanic Rose 'i jump, you jump' type. I can multitask like listen to the radio, dig my nose and talk over the phone while driving, but only to a certain extent.

I am not very ambitious or high achiever. The only reason I took up masters was to prevent myself from dying of boredom. It does not take much to bore me. Sort of self-improvement, a challenge to thyself. I mean if that geek who could barely pass in clinical medicine could do it, why not me… right? Little did I know, boredom sounds a football field better than what I have got myself into right now.

I am not breathtakingly beautiful, just enough to get pass that security gate at Gaza border. Single men won’t bat an eyelid. Married men would consider…. then, reconsider.

I am a simple person. I want only simple things in life.

I want to work in a place where the boss does not breathe on my neck all the time. Where the clients do not demand the sky. Where it is ok to make mistakes as part of the learning curve.

A job that can pay for my Elantra, that allows me to travel locally…perhaps overseas, maybe another umrah or hajj. Enough for movies, starbucks, chillies at KLCC and intermittent splurge with things a normal woman would love.

I want a semiD, or corner lot terrace with terracotta porch, wooden floors and red brick walls. A koi pond with artificial waterfall and lots of palm and greeneries. A backyard where I can plant serai, kunyit, pandan, cili padi, curry leaves…. Large enough for misha, memeng, yibbe to roam around. I think the current pigeon hole is starting to suffocate us.

I want a simple husband. Who doesn’t mind if I wanna sleep in on Sundays…. and Saturdays. Who helps with the dishes. Who laughs at my trying-to-be-funny-but-failed-misearably jokes. Who buys groceries and does not mind to dirty his shoes in the wet market. Who lets me control the remote. Who loves my cats as much as I love them. Who does not give a damn if I gain weight or start to grow nose hair.

I want 2 kids. A boy and a girl. I come from a small family. I am not used to the crowds especially not among wailing tots throwing tantrums and smelly diapers.

I plan to simply live…. a simple life.