Almost awake...

Thought it would be a silent night.... Noooooottttt!!!

Was just starting to watch AIM where Tiara`s boobs were playing peek-a-boo, dapat referrals pulak. Just finished stitching a guy`s eyelid. Came another girl whose mum accidently poked her finger into the girl`s eye. Adeeehhh.... nasib baik not too bad. Tak dapat la tengok AIM malam ni. Dengar thru ERA pun jadilah. I just love Afdlin`s and Bob`s antiques. Tak kering gusi. That`s what i call spontaneous humour. Not slapstick. Tak payah nak buat aksi2 bodoh, tinggi suara etc. etc. Miss Ah-Ha. Such an enjoyable comedy. Tengok muka Afdlin pun dah nak tergelak.

Harap2 ada la siaran ulangan...
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Can`t sleep, had too much coffee...

Letter to him..

I was damn bored.... so, i wrote to him.


Dearest Abang,

Waalaikumsalam....

I`ve found the e-mail that you wrote to me. I guess i have not been checking my e-mails regularly these days. Too preoccupied with other stuffs, if you know what i mean :) I hope things will be better in Petronas. I know you love being what you are. I guess sometimes its the frustrations that make it feel unworthy to do what you are currently doing. I feel the same way too.

I`m on-call today. I was quite busy earlier on, was on my feet all morning. But most things are settled now. Just waiting for any emergencies that might crop up.... touch wood!!

So, i`m quite bored. The TV in the ward is not working. Couldn`t get in touch with you, i`m assuming you`re still at the camp. Too lazy to go home. I heard that one female doc was robbed in the elevator a couple of nights ago. Sounds scary, but don`t worry, i`ll be ready with the pepper-spray.

I`m just reading my own blog, admiring it like what you always do.... kekekekeke :P. We have lots of things in common, don`t we?? I guess that is some of the things that attracted me to you. We are similar, but not the same.

I smsed kakak this morning. I guess she`s more ready than me about this relationship thing. I`m sorry, but sometimes i do have doubts. And guess what, when i switched the tv this morning around 6am, there was this Kisah Benar. The story was about a guy who married 2 women, but was irresponsible. The wives berpakat, and gave a taste of his own medicine. Haaaaa.... ni yang nak komplot dengan akak neeiiiii...... :P

It is difficult to be fair, Abang. Bukan calang-calang orang yang boleh carry out the task. Sorang pun payah, inikan pulak nak layan kerenah 2 orang. But if you`re responsible, and you care about both, then kakak and me will help you through. You have kakak as your pillar, and i need both of you to be mine.

Remember what i wrote in my blog?? One is just nice, 2 is a handful, 3 is hazardous, 4 is hara-kiri. And me alone has proven to be quite a handful for you already. Can or noooooot???

Take care of yourself. Asyik sakit kepala je ni, i`m a bit worried. Abang berpanas ke kat kem tu? Maybe you need a CT scan or something? Tak elok asyik nak makan Imigran aje.

Kirim salam kat kakak ye...

Love you lots...


Wassalam.


Mimi

Murder... She Wrote

On tuesday, i became a cat killa!!

As i was driving home from work, amongst the busy traffic, trying to figure out all the troubles and complications i`m succumbing into, between waking and mind-body-total shutdown after a bad day at work, a cat decided to cross the road.

As i was doing 60km per hour, it was too late to brake. I saw the cat, but my reaction was too slow. All i could do was gasped and clenched on my steering wheel. I heard 'gedeguk' under the tyre. I almost screamed. Should i stop?? I wouldn`t dare. Then from my side mirror, i saw the cat scampering off to the other side of the road, looked a bit wobbly though. Maybe i just rolled over the tail or something?? I dunno. I was too shocked and traumatized.

I love cats. I adore cats. I think i love animals, more than i love humans. I can stand watching people suffer on CNN. But I cry watching National Geographic. I cried when Simba`s father died in Lion King. I have that soft spot for god`s furry creatures.

Man is given brain to think, so that he can fend for himself and his loved ones. But animals are helpless creatures. They sometimes become the victim of human`s cruelty.

As for me, it was an ACCIDENT. But i felt so bad. And it rained later on. That poor cat. If it is still alive, it must be in pain, in agony. What if it died an agonizing death? What if it become crippled?

I have had so many cats, i can`t remember all of their names. The longest living cat was Momot. I remembered her greying fur, how her eyes lit up everytime when abah came back from the market with fresh fish, how she waited for all her babies to finish eating before she finished off what`s left in the food bowl. I found her amongst mak`s flower pots on one rainy day. She was a frail, tiny kitten then, as big as my palm. I took her in. She gobbled some fried egg and milk. Then she started following me around. Then, she stayed, for a good 10 years. She had babies. And her babies, had babies. Few died earlier than her. When momot got sick, at that few ending days, she kept disappearing. Then finally, she never came back. She died at our neighbour`s house. She knew her time had come, and she refused to let us be sad for her. I took her name as my e-mail address, to remember her by.

Then, there was Tambi. I know tambi is what you call an indian boy. She`s a female cat. There was not a single hair on her that was not black. Thus the name Tambi. She was a very affectionate cat. But she had babies far too young. All of her babies died. She didn`t know how to take care of them. And her vaginal wound got infected. I was busy with work, so was abah and mak. Adik was away in KL. When i finally saw the wound, it was septic. The vet was closed at that hour. I brought home some medicine from the hospital. I asked mak to take her to the vet on the next day. But i noticed that she was getting weak. That night, she tried to go out into the verandah. I saw her hiding behind the flower pot. It was late, and cold. I took her in and wrapped her in a towel. Her breathing was laboured, and her eyes had lost its' lustre. I knew then, Tambi was dying. I stroked her head. Her ears and nose felt cold. I felt helpless. I cried. Oh god, please take her now, as i didn`t want her to suffer. I held her close to me, as her breath became shallower, and finally she became still. I cried so hard. I felt so guilty. Why was i so ignorant? What if i had taken her to the vet earlier? What if i had noticed the septic wound earlier?? What if?? What if? I`m a doctor for god`s sake. I can`t even save the life of a cat?? I felt like i`ve murdered someone.

It was that deja vu` feeling again.

I know sometimes things are unavoidable. But what if i drove a little slower? What if the cat stopped in the middle of the road? What if i saw the cat sooner? What if??

There are so many 'what ifs' in our lives...

What if i have never met him? What if i didn`t fall in love? What if he is single? What if i am not a doctor?

Dear God,
Please forgive me, for all the lives lost due to my ignorance, my incapabilities, my flaws, my lack of knowledge, my insensitivities. Hope they will forgive me and welcome me to the gardens of heaven.

May your souls rest in peace.... momot, tambi, and all those cats who had once been part of my life.

I hugged Misha, Memeng and Yibbe a little tighter today...

That`s perfect..

He is not perfect
I am not perfect
But our imperfections
Blend perfectly, in unison.

Saying goodbye is hard to do...

SMS from him: The plane just touched down. Please be strong for me…

SMS from me: I will…

Yeah, I will. I will do anything for him. I hope I am strong enough. He had gone back. We had to say our goodbyes again…

**********

As I drove back from the airport earlier, I just could not stop thinking about him. He is not perfect; nevertheless, I love him for those imperfections. They remind me of my own.

His thoughts, are almost similar to mine. He could not fool me because I knew his tricks beforehand, and neither could I, as he almost always anticipate my next move.

When I stepped on the gas pedal, I could remember him getting upset because I drove fast, so I slowed down. Whilst I looked at the side-mirror, I remembered his guilty face when he almost hit the mirror against the toll side-gate, I smiled to myself. He is a clumsy guy all right, with high affinity to break things. Thank god I have the knack of fixing things, well, almost.

As I read the signboards, it reminded me the time when we fought as we lost our way. He missed the junction because he was 'fondling' with the radio which was blaringly loud, and he was not concentrating. He had a vile taste of my silent treatment. Yes, he pissed me off every 15 minutes, but he also made me love him every 5, instead.

I looked at the place where he kept his stuff. No sign that he had been there at all. I think he left the toothbrush in the bathroom on purpose. There was nothing else to leave behind anyway, other than me.....The room looked barren and desolate. The echoing sound from the idiot box slowly vanished, the white walls looked dark and overshadowing.

I have never felt so empty.


**********

Two hours later, he called….

He: Assalamualaikum… (After spending some time together, my heart ached, just from hearing his voice)

Me: Waalaikumsalam…

He: Tengah buat apa?

Me: Thinking about you… (Control girl …..control yourself)

He: Me too… (*sigh*)

Me: So what did kakak cook? (Trying to sound chirpy)

He: Chicken curry…

Me: Errmmm…..

Me: Dah makan? (Dah pukul 3, of course la sudah, stooppiiddd)

He: Dah

Me: So tengah buat apa?

He: Baring-baring je…

Me: Ok..


(*pause*)


Me: So did you get the knife back from the pilot??

( He forgot to keep his multipurpose toolkit with knife in the luggage, instead had it attached on his belt. Tu la, kan dah kena tangkap...unfortunately, he had a dose of my nagging too)

He: Yeah, of course I did. (Of course he did, what kind of a question was that?? Suddenly i was loss for words)

Me: Ok…



(*silence*)


Me: Abang....

He: Yes?? ( He sounded so near, yet so far away. That fact was hurting me badly)

Me:….….. ( Oh please, please say something. I just wanna hear your voice)

I was blurry eyed again.


(*deafening silence*)


He: I`m a bit sleepy. Think of taking a nap.

Me: Oh ok… ( Was hoping small, short words will hide my breaking voice)

He: I`ll call you later.. (My heart was aching)

Me: Yeah, ugh…. ermm…. sure… ( Words turned into little sobs. I could not contain the feelings any longer)

He: I love you…. ( I could not breathe. He was the first man who cried for me. How could i not love him??)

Me: I love you too… (Barely managed a whisper)

*Click*

**********

Dearest,

I am sorry. I know I promised you that I will be strong. But that feeling of helplessness, the uncertainties, the longing … they engulfed me, all over again.

Despite of the deafening thunderstorm outside..... all I could hear was the sound of my sobs.

I have never cried so hard like that night....

Letter to Mak...

Dearest mak,

Life is short.

I am tired of making other people happy. I am tired of putting others needs and wants first instead of mine. I am tired of obliging to everyone`s wishes and expectations. All I want is to be happy mak. To lead my own life as I think the best I possibly could.

If this is the last wish I could ask from you and abah, before I close my eyes, and breathe my last breath.....

could you please be happy for me??


Love,

Your lonesome daughter

Getting nowhere...

I worked my ass off today. Started at 8:30am, and I wrote my final entry in the last patient`s ticket at 4.30pm. No breaks, no lunch. Only answered nature`s call in between. My hand shook because of the tiredness and probably hunger pang. I`m surprised I do not have gastritis with the amount of torture I put myself into. Only had a glass of milk for breakfast.

I have been taking care of people, strangers and families, friends and foes. Ever since I knew medicine. Be it physical and emotional health. Even when I am damn tired, still, I put on a smile and offer my best. My friends say i`m the coolest lady, never crumble even when I am under tremendous pressure. If only they knew how good an actress i`ve become.

Over the years, I had a lot of practice. Layman always have this perception that doctors are serious, emotionless, nerdy, bulletproof, tough, untouchable bunch of people. They even question when doctors get sick. The truth is, we had a lot of practice in hiding our emotions. You can`t expect the doctor who announce death to the demised family members to cry and wail with everyone else. Can you?

But at certain times, when the going gets tough, when the night seems lonelier than usual, when the breeze refuse to blow, when the rain turn to thunderstorms, I wonder… who takes care of me? Me, I and myself?

My parents have always taught me to be independent. They have only 2 daughters. But we didn`t get everything easy… well, not for me anyway.

I remember my first day in kindergarten, Abah sent me. Then he left me there, without a word. I thought he was amongst the other parents who waited for their kids, well at least on their first day. I was too oblivious, with new friends and all. Everyone went home by 11. I had to wait for him till 4pm because his office was too far away. I cried so hard, thinking he dumped me there. Thinking he didn`t want me no more. I wetted my underwear because I was too afraid to say anything to the new teacher. Thank you Cikgu Puteh for staying behind everyday with me.

When I was in Std 1, abah did the same thing. But this time, I ride the bus to school. He made sure I memorise the house address. I got on, and he just waved. What if I got down at the wrong school? What if the bus leave school without me? What if.. what if??? I grew up fast enough.

When abah left for studies, I was left to fend for myself. Mak was busy with work, adik and making ends meet for all of us. I learnt to ride the bicycle all by myself. When a motorcycle hit me while I was crossing the road to school, no one came to help. Mak was working, abah was away. I pushed the bicycle, crooked rim, flat tyre, bruised all over…. to school. I always learn things, the hard way.

When I was in med school, I was down with dengue fever. Despite bodyache, temperature of 40 degrees, I walked to the hospital. I hailed a cab halfway because I was too weak. I admitted myself in. Only informed my parents when I was discharged.

I`m so used to doing things myself, making my own decision. But I always have those people whom I love to consider, behind that every decision. Took up medicine because partly, I want mak and abah to be happy, to be proud of me. Partly was my own personal challenge.

Although I have lived under mak and abah shelter for so long, I crave for the freedom. After few years starting work, and living independently, I was transferred to a hospital near to home. Mak was ecstatic. I, on the other hand, felt suffocated. And thus the masters programme and back to KL again.

At 32, many of us would have a life of our own. Husband, wife, kids to take care of. Where to settle in.. etc etc. Me…. Mak still calls just to check on me. They were busy when I was growing up, so now why all the attention??

Sure, i`ve had my fair share of mistakes. Did things I regretted till this day. Met the wrong people. Got fooled and crushed. But isn’t that what life is all about? Ain`t all bed of roses, of sweeties and honey? Sometimes you do not know that something is not right for you, till you`ve experienced it, tasted it, live it youself. Is it fair to judge, before something even started?

The Life Planner...

1. Finish my studies

2. Buy a house, terrace or condo with landscape

3. Buy a new car (Elantra or Altis)

4. Live as near to my parents as possible

5. Take care of the kitties, and the strays i will be picking up

6. Build a koi pond - so that i can be nostalgic while seeping tea

7. Save up, have my own trust fund

8. Pension by 50

9. Register into an old folks home, so that i will not be a burden to anyone when i start having osteoarthritis or hemiparesis from stroke

10.Get good insurance, at least someone can get benefit from my death

11.My properties will be donated to my cats and SPCA (sorry sis)

12.Get married..... NAAAHHHHHH

My Webster Dictionary

LOVE - the most misunderstood, misquoted, misinterpreted and missing word in my vocabulary

HAPPINESS - an even stranger word. Far from reach. Avoids me lika a plague.

SADNESS - a familiar territory. Engulfs me, ever so often, leaves me gasping for air in the middle of the night.

LONELINESS - what i have lived, am living, shall live, till the living decides it doesn`t want me no more.

LIFE - live it to the fullest, be it just, living a dream.....

Miss DIY

Sunday:

Fixed the bed frame. Either the screws are loose again, or i`m getting heavier... Tsk..tskk...

Monday:

Changed the lampu kalimantang and inserted new starter. Had to climb the chair and add a stool so that i could reach the ceiling. Tangga takde. I was doing my slowest slow-mo to stand up straight on the chair. Rasa macam acrobatic from China je.

Tuesday:

Changed the car wiper. Tadaaaaaa.... dah takde creaking noise. Almost bought new wipers. Either that or something to soften the wiper blade. But then found the old unused one in the storeroom.

Bought new pipe screwtip for the washing machine. It broke last week. Habis la kasar tangan ni kalau kena handwash the clothes. Found out where the defect is, something broke. Fixed that too.

And the award for best Miss DIY in Cheras goes tooooooooooooooooo....

Woman To Woman....

Saturday was a half day`s work that ended at 1pm. Then went out to lunch with one of my best friend. I`ve known her for like 13 years now, ever since matriculation. After 7 years of marriage, and 2 kids, she is in the midst of a major marital problem. The husband she knew for as long as i`ve known her, had feelings for another girl. They had been smsing, and secretly seeing each other, behind her back. Even after she had found out, and even after he had promised not to see the girl again.

Is it true that men are capable of loving more than one woman at the same time? If they could, is the love as passionate as the other?? as fiery?? as everlasting??

Her husband knew, he could not afford another, but why did he continue? She was hurt as they already had prenuptial agreement against polygamy. She blamed herself for not taking 'good care' of her husband... with work, two kids, studies, parents to take care of, she`s swamped.

Z: Sometimes i`m just too tired. I didn`t even kiss him goodnight.

Me: But you can`t blame everything on yourself dear. He should understand. You`re doing all this to help lessen his burden, so that you guys can afford to buy a house, pay for 2 cars, send the kids to good schools....

Z: I know. I told him i`m not superwoman. After work, he expect me to be the perfect wife, do the household chores, cook, take care of him, take care of the kids.... Even with a maid around, sometimes it`s too overwhelming...

Me: He ain`t that perfect husband either...

Nobody is perfect. No marriage is perfect. Nothing is perfect in this world.

Me: What if he can`t forget the girl? and decide to proceed further? ( Am i being too inquisitive?? )

Z: (Pause) I`ll ask him to let me go.

Me: Whaaattt?? ( the veins on my temple almost popped out) You mean... divorce??

Z: I don`t think i can share him with someone else...

Me: So... you`d rather be called 'janda' and risk your kids losing their father, than share him with another woman?? ( suddenly, the cafe felt claustrophobic)

Z: Yeah, something like that. I felt so betrayed. Even now, I dunno if i could trust him anymore.. ( i could see tears in her eyes)

Me: But.... but... ( i was loss for words)

How could i say comforting words to her?... when i`m almost in the same situation, almost. Even if the other party agrees, will i cause too much damage that no medicine in this world can give cure, not even slightest relief?

Will i be affected as much?? Married life is something new to me. The expectations, the responsibilities, the unwritten laws, the hidden language.... i could learn, have to learn them. But for a woman who had been married, for a long time that is, to adapt to another stranger vying attention from her husband, him spending time for the other woman instead of her, buying stuff for the other person instead of saving for the kids..... how would she feel? Angry? Sad? Jealous? Worried? She could no longer have her husband all to herself. But whom do we belong to...if not the Almighty?

Can`t a woman not ask for just companionship? To love and be loved? To give and to receive? To fill that empty void only a man could? To be able to pass the gate of heaven for being a good wife? To be able to listen to little footsteps, not belonging to others instead?

Is it too much to ask ..... from another woman??

A New Beginning...

He came back. He came back for me….

He made his promises, and he kept it….one of those that he managed to. I was happy. For those few wonderful days, I was extremely happy. My feet were not touching the ground. My brain was dizzy, doing triple-loop-spin-twist-spin ala figure skating. My lips never failed to smile. His voice echoed with my laughter. The sky never looked prettier even when it rained cats and dogs. Even the polluted KL air, hazed or not, smelled like spring blossoms.

We talked, chatted, wrestled, fought, made up, talked, fought again, and made up again. We shopped, drove around, ate seafood and steaks. He visited the place I grew up in, and the people that matters most to me. He played with Misha and Memeng, even got scratched by Yibbe.

He found out that I am a tough strong woman, who is capable to pin him down. He even wanted to arm wrestle with me, to prove I was wrong. I let him win :P, of course.

He also discovered my stubbornness, my determination, my hardest core camouflaged by my grace and softness. I, on the other hand, found his goofy side, his playfulness, his logics in analyzing things, his outlook on life, things that he held dear to his heart…..

We explored deeper into our feelings. We found each others secrets, the things that made us who we are today. We talked about the future, we made plans, we prayed and hoped, keeping our fingers crossed. We learnt to love each other more…

But good things do come to an end, especially when you are having the time of your life. The days passed in a flash, the nights were just too short. Is this a start of a wonderful beginning??

He gave me a stalk of rose when he arrived, he left me in tears when he departed…

Has it ended before it even started?? I don`t know. I don`t care. I am happy, for now... and that is all that matters.