Visit to the Vet

Yibbe was down with fever. Kesian anak jantan sekor ni. Muka monyok je, makan pun sikit. Tidur je 24 jam. Badan panas sungguh. Dah la badan kucing memang panas compared to us humans. But this is too hot. So, I took him to the vet.

Nasib baik tak ramai orang kat klinik tu, though the traffic was terrible. I`ve brought my 3 cats there before, and I recognize the vet. There are 10 vets working there, but I usually see the same faces. I think he recognized me too. Yibbe was having a fever, dehydrated. The vet thought it was probably due to the fleas he got from outside cats. My other 2 cats do not have fleas. Yibbe looked pale. He might have this blood infesting virus carried by the fleas. And his white cell count was a bit low. Pancytopenia?? Maannnn... please don`t scare me!!!

I love animals. Being a veterinarian was one of my choices when I filled in the UPU forms waaaayyy back then (oiitt.... apasal gelak??… ok ape nak jadi vet??)). Hmmm… ended up a human doc la pulak. So there I was, questioning everything to this young vet.

Where are you gonna puncture him?? The ear?? You can find blood vessels big enough to take blood there meh?? Oucchhh!!

Are you checking for worm eggs?

Are you doing blood smear??

What`s his temperature?

What antibiotic are you giving him??

Which vitamin is good?

Does he need i/v drip??

Yadda….yadda…yadda…. he looked thankful when I left….. kekekekeke.

Mannnn… I dunno how monstrous i`ll become when I have my own kids. Doctors with kids or any sick relatives, are a handful lot. I`ve seen many.

Yibbe’s fever is gone. But his appetite is still not very good. Been wrestling him, trying to shove the medicine in his throat.

Hope you get well soon Yibbe.

Mommy already have enough worries....

Woman to Woman, Heart to Heart

To be a woman, in this era of liberty, civilized world, is still as tough as the times of our mothers, our grandmothers and those before them. Perhaps, in a different manner. Sure, women are given more opportunities in terms of education, voicing out their opinions. Their roles in shaping the world are more acknowledged. Yet, there are still restrictions, limitations, boundaries, created not only by men, but sadly by the women themselves.

The society invents norms, a certain way of living, doing things, hidden laws to abide, unspoken rules to follow, tradition passed on between mothers and daughters. Those who break these rules will be shunned away.

Being a woman, single, financially independent, climbing up the ladder of higher career and social status, I too, have not been spared.

There is nothing wrong, being single at 30. There is nothing wrong, to not to depend on a man for every little things. It is not wrong, to be successful on your own. It is not a sin, not to have a child. They do not make me any less, a woman.

Some women chose to be single. Some women stay single due to certain circumstances. Rather than settling down earlier on, I chose to establish a career. I did not want to be a burden to anyone, especially not to my future husband. I wanted to be able to survive on my own, and survived i did. But it is a career that took so much out of me, that demanded so much sacrifices, time and energy. I do not think one could ever understand, imagine or empathize, unless one lives it him/herself. A career that is noble, yet a hindrance in disguise, that unfortunately set limitations to certain opportunities, affecting my social life which I still believe, have never existed.

At my age, with my career and title, men would think twice, even thrice, before consider dating me. I have never set any benchmark. Nevertheless, the inferiority, the pressures, the insecurities, emerged from the opposite sex themselves. Believe me, i`ve dated them. Those with established careers are mostly already in their 40s, married with kids or divorced with so much issues at hand. I`ve known them too. So who is left? Younger ones who just graduated from puberty? Who are still struggling between jobs? Who can`t decide which woman to choose? Who can`t control their raging hormones? Yup, I scared them away.

At 32, i`ve had my share of relationships. Those that were total disasters, those that should not be, those that could have been, those that exhausted me from trying too hard, those just for the sake of satisfying the parents. All piling up towards my resentment to the opposite sex. I became an angry, bitter person. Almost a feminist.

I have gotten to know guys from all kinds of backgrounds, educations. Almost got married twice, well, almost. Had relationship that dragged on till more than a year. And yes my friends, they were all singles. Though I also had the opportunity to get to know the divorcees, the married ones, was even offered to be 2nd, 3rd wife. I turned them down politely. Not because of the insecurities, the social status nor the financial chaos. Mostly because I felt used, taken for granted, manipulated, unappreciated…. unloved. I was misearable. I was tired. I was burnt.

It is not easy to find someone you like, and the other person likes you in return. This is a person whom I can have intelligent conversation with. Whom I can be serious, at the same time crack jokes with. Who can accept my views and opinions without getting his ego bruised. Who understands, or at least tried to understand, the craps that I have to swallow day in and out at work. One who accepted my flaws and weaknesses. Who took me the way I am. No more, no less. And for those reasons, I fell in love. Because of them, my love grew. But, as you`ve already known by now, he is not single.

Sadly, the society, being the ‘flawless’ society as it claimed to be, do not accept this. Even when the very religion they abide to allows it, it is considered unacceptable. Even if marriage is a way to prevent adultery, the society refused to acknowledge it. Thus, the social stigma, the titles, the name calling, the finger pointing….. Dah takde lelaki lain ke? ….. Dah tak laku sangat la tu…. Perampas laki orang… Being single at 30 means…. Andartu… Andalusia… Memilih sangat…Too career minded….Too desperate. Just like janda, the andartus have also become a threat to other women, especially married ones. Does this reflect their own insecurities?? I don`t know. Perhaps. We are labeled, ironically, by those who are supposed to support and stand by us. Even if the 1st consented, even if we have acknowledged each other, in good terms with one another, will the society understand? Does it believe in fate? Qada` and qadar?

I have my needs and desires. I have my own cause to fight, my war to win, my journey to travel till the very end in the afterlife. I want to be good, do good. Be a good daughter, a good wife, a good mother, a good servant to God and fellow human beings. I want to love and be loved. I want to be a woman, feel like a woman. Just like you..... just like everybody else.

Now tell me, what is wrong with that??

Bingkisan Doa

Ya Allah... seandainya telah Engkau catatkan...
Dia milikku, tercipta buatku...
Satukanlah hatinya dengan hatiku...
Titipkanlah kebahagiaan di antara kami...
Agar kemesraan itu abadi...

Dan Ya Allah... Ya Tuhanku yang maha mengasihi...
Seiringkanlah kami melayari hidup ini...
Ke tepian yang sejahtera dan abadi...

Tetapi Ya Allah... seandainya telah Engkau takdirkan
Dia bukan milikku...
Bawalah dia jauh dari pandanganku...
Luputkanlah dia dari ingatanku...
Dan peliharalah aku dari kekecewaan...

Serta Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku yang maha mengerti...
Berikanlah aku kekuatan...
Melontar bayangannya jauh ke dada langit...
Hilang bersama senja nan merah...
Agarku bisa bahagia...
Walaupun tanpa bersama dengannya...

Dan Ya Allah yang tercinta...
Gantilah yang telah hilang...
Tumbuhkanlah kembali yang telah patah...
Walaupun tidak sama dengan dirinya...

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku...
Pasrahkanlah aku dalam takdirmu...
Sesungguhnya apa yang telah Engkau takdirkan...
Adalah yang terbaik buatku...
Kerana Engkau maha mengetahui...
Segala yang terbaik buat hambaMu ini...

Ya Allah...
Cukuplah Engkau sahaja yang menjadi pemeliharaku...
Di dunia dan di akhirat...
Dengarlah rintihan dari hambaMu yang daif ini...
Jangan Engkau biarkan aku sendirian...
Di dunia ini mahupun di akhirat kelak...
Menjuruskan aku ke arah kemaksiatan dan kemungkaran...
Maka kurniakanlah aku seorang pasangan yang beriman...
Supaya aku dan dia sama-sama dapat membina kesejahteraan hidup...
Ke jalan yang Engkau redhai...
Dan kurniakanlah kami anak-anak yang soleh...

Amin... Ya Rabbal A'lamin...

It's a Man Man World

A man once told me…

Men are a bunch of opportunist. They are selfish.

Coming from a man’s mouth, it could not get any more true than that.

Women endure self torture, starve to look skinny and beautiful, to attract men. When a man marries, he wants his wife to take care of him. Wash his clothes, prepare him meals, satisfy his sexual desires… and once he’s not satisfied, he will look for it elsewhere. It is always about him, always. About his needs, his wants. When a couple have children, is it because he really wants to procreate?? I think not. He just wants to brag to his fellow men, “Hey, I made those (pointing at the kids). They came from me”, to prove his manhood.

So where is a woman’s place in this world? In a man’s eye? Are we not but just a tool to satisfy man’s wants, lusts, desires?

Everything revolves around men…

*******************

Am I losing my faith Abang?? Perhaps. All the negative remarks I’ve been hearing didn’t help at all.

Right now, I feel like being perched on top of a bamboo tree… with the wind blowing at 150miles/hour. The scenery is breathtaking, yet, I am terrified.

The Homemaker

Been a tiring and shall i say, busy saturday.

1. Cleaned house, mopped, vacuumed..

2. Laundry

3. Ironed... practically the whole wardrobe

4. Washed bag and pencil case ( bau hapak le)

5. Re-arranged toiletries (I have a whole stock of miniature shampoo, conditioner, shower gel, soaps... that could last me 6 months. Thanks to that person who consficated the 'goodies' during his stay at that particular hotel).

6. Cleaned the store room

7. Threw out trash

8. Steamed some pau for breakfast, fried instant curry-puffs for tea, cooked blackpepper lamb for dinner.... and 4 cups of nescafe.

9. Bathe Yibbe.... after drying him up, it only lasted for like 10minutes before he was off 'golek-golek' outside the house and frolicked away looking for his dates.... (at least he smells better)

10.Hot-oiled hair

11.Tried to fix the desktop (Something wrong with the desktop, maannnnn.... hari tu laptop kena attack dek virus and spyware, now the desktop tak boleh start. Asyik off then restart again.... nak hantar kedai computer, CPU ni berat ya rabbi....)

Things to do....

1. Case reports

2. Kemas notes and my small library

3. Watch Star Wars

4. Watch cetak rompak VCD: Sepet, Tentang Dia, Buai Laju-laju

5. Fix computer

6. Booster the cats

7. Spay Yibbe

8. Wash car

9. Buy wedding gift for cousin

10. Deposit money at Maybank

Hmmm..... what else....

11. Get a husband....

Cold Haiku

Crystal tears,
On snowy mountain,
Love frozen in secret lake.

I craved for a lover,
Yet, I longed for a husband...

Lost in Alaska..

Today, i dunno why....

Feels like my life has turned to a halt.
Frozen in time.
Cold.
Still.
Trapped.

I feel like i`m not moving forward, nor backward.
Just routine, mundane tasks.
The same faces, the same room, the same equipments, the same route.
My life seems to move from one sleep to another sleep.

Have i lost it? Or have i not found it yet?

Oh life beautiful little things,
Where are you hiding?

The coffee taste more bitter,
The sunshine hotter,
The melody seems out of tune;

The birds refused to fly,
The rain hidden in the sky,
The stars are angry with the moon.

**********

I think i`m losing it....

Who are we to judge?

Who are we to judge people?

Who are we to say, one is bad or good?

If one is bad or good, will he/she stay that way?

**********

Some people change for the better, some worse.

Some change unknowingly,

Some want to make a difference, be different.

Some change due to the circumstances, the environment.

Some probably stay the same. Even if not wholly.

**********

Some people keep secrets, does that make them bad?

Some people pray 5 times a day, does that make them good?

**********

Who are we to judge??

Saturday ala my style...

Hmmm... what a day!!!

1. After Subuh, blogged.

2. Had leftover cold pizza for breakfast and coke... there goes my diet down the drain.

3. Kemas rumah, mopped, vacuumed

4. Laundry

5. Clean the cat`s litter

6. Washed the carpet... stained by something avoidable... Adeehhhh sakit pinggang!!!

7. Mandi..... gi shoppingggggg yeahh!!!

8. Someone still ain`t talking... FINE!!!

9. Realised left some stuff kat Pan Pac... oh maannnnnn!!!

10. Shopping spree

- Sent car to car-wash. Hmmm.. offer for wax and polish.... maybe next time...

- Shoes!!! Need some working shoes!! After tawaf JJ Taman Maluri entah ke berapa kali, bought Hush Puppies. Though not the pattern that i liked, but boleh laaa. Yang suka, takde saiz pulak. Malas nak pergi KLCC. Yeaaa!!! Dapat thermos free. My sis sure nak ni. Kena sorokkk!!!!

- Guardian sale!!! Beli bedak... deodorant.... shampoo banyak lagi kat rumah, facial cleanser ada lagi... oh yes some facial wipes, Ferraro roche... yummm... no.. no... put that back... (naughty girl, tap on own finger, cheeks dah cukup bulat... both upstairs AND downstairs.. eheks).

- Bought some hankies, errrmm....belt ni cantik jugak.. and this tie... hmmm nice colour... spender ni looks sturdy... heh..eh...ehhhh... bila masa lak aku berlaki neeiii?? Perasannyaaaaaa....

- Had lunch kat Black Canyon... nasi with chicken green curry and sweet sour chicken and air kosong. Feel akward pulak tetiba makan sorang ni... alahai..

- Tips of the day.... always shop for food with stomach full so that you do not overindulge. Let`s see... Instant Campbell soup, Instant frozen karipaps, Instant barbequed pau, Instant Brahim`s Thai green curry paste, hmmmm what else is instant here.. my love life... oppss oppsss... (take that back!!... terngiang-ngiang je suara orang tu kekeke), Chicken, Barbequed lamb, aaahhhhh bingo!!! found that transparent toiletries bag he wanted - came free with yogurt, what else.... Whiskas offer, waahhh dapat cat care booklet free lagikkk, Tuna with biscuits..... cukup la kut.

- Things i didn`t buy due to some reasons:
Cheesecake kat Secret Recipe.... yummm but that girl tengah sibuk susun cakes yg baru sampai, malas nak tunggu. Waahhh harga dah naik... from RM4.90 now dah RM5.30... aiyakkk!!!

New carpet spray/ deodorizer... ada yg utk hilangkan bau caused by pets, baru nak beli tiba-tiba konsentrasi terganggu disebabkan salesgirl tu di interrogate oleh staff JJ sbb tak pakai tag, takde price display, takde pas etc etc. Kesian budak tu, first day kat situ rupanya.... maleh nak tunggu, so ciow.

Bedroom slippers.... takde saiz laaaa, apesal semua besau ni??

Went home, in clean car. Singgah Pasaraya Taman Mulia, beli selipar, kalau tak nanti ada orang tu bising... kekekekeke ( i love you too). Beli terung nak masak Thai green curry, i think i`m addicted to this green curry la, nak cari resepi nanti. Tak dapat cheesecake, ice-cream pun jadi la... so bought le cremerie almond pecan... ohhhh nyamannyaaaa...

Sampai rumah, AIM dah nak habis.... aiyaakkkkkkkkkk!!! Hari tu pun miss jugak, siaran ulangan pun termiss lagi. Oh maannnnnnnnn....

Ok need to shower... Malam ni nak tengok Audition. Kalau tak best, nak kutuk sorang-sorang.

Sms: Clothes found... yippee!!!!



Hmmm... what a day!!!

All in a day`s work...

I had a bad day at work yesterday. Not because the boss lashed out her anger at me, or being called stupid in front of patients, or making a mistake that made me feel bad and unworthy. None of the above.

It is the patient itself, the one I am supposed to serve, to treat, to help, to satisfy …. Without question, without bias, without prejudice…

Dealing with people, is not an easy task. Dealing with SICK people is much worse. It is much much easier, to operate machines, to deal with softwares. Just ask those working with the public… the clerk at the JPJ counter, the receptionist at the hotel lobby, the waiter in the restaurant. All those attitudes they have to put up with. And with the motto of Client Is Always Right does not make it any easier. There have been so many comments pertaining the public services by government personnel. But i`m only going to talk about the health services as that is my territory.

I have been serving the public for the past 7 years. Within that period, I have worked in few places, in different environment… The district hospital, the outpatient department, the emergency unit etc.… Almost in all situations, the staffs are almost always overworked. Be it the nurses, or the doctors, or the attendants, or the ambulance drivers. A ward which should be manned by 4 doctors, always end up with 3… or worse still 2. The outpatient department which should be run by 5 doctors, never had more than 3. I have seen 50 patients within 1 ½ hours. At the end of the day, it was the patient asking me if I was ok instead.

The public expect us to smile always, be chirpy, to make zero-mistakes, to know everything within the system, to be alert and on our feet all the time (as sitting down for a couple of minutes would reflect laziness). We are expected to be polite always ( even if the public lash out abusive words to us). We are not allowed to show our emotions, of anger, of frustrations. We are not allowed to be sick or tired or hungry. We are truly public *servant* in every sense of the word.

My outpatient clinic is what I shall say, a zoo. We deal with people from all walks of life. From the arrogant Tan Sris, the demanding Datins, the i-know-everything-after surfing the internet-so-I want- this medication- or else (sometimes being too educated is not much of help), the Ah Soh who couldn`t understand a word apart from Hokkien, the kid who just refused to sit still with parents who couldn`t care less, etc. etc.

So everytime, we have to deal with different personalities, different cultures and education, understand their backgrounds, try to make them understand what is going on in simplest way possible. It is not an easy task if you have to see 30 – 40 patients per day, and that excludes the relatives. A specialist clinic takes longer than the ordinary outpatient clinic. The disease is more complex, more tests to do, and consultations to be made. Waiting hour of 3 – 4 hours just for consultation is common, longer if tests are to be done.

Why do we have so many patients? Can`t we control the number? I mean we do give out appointments right?? Well, the clinic is overcrowded because of those who come without appointments, some who think their problem is an `Emergency` and demand to be seen.

Me: Kenapa dengan mata pakcik?
Patient 1: Selalu gatal dan berair.
Me: Tarikh ni kenapa pakcik tak datang? (2 months ago)
Patient 1: Pakcik terlupa la…
Me: Hmmppphhh… (ketap bibir)

Me: What seems to be the problem??
Patient 2: Sometimes my eyes become red, got tearssss, then blurr blurr like that…
Me: (the eye was white) Looks ok to me. Have you been putting the eye-drops?
Patient 2: Sometimes I put…. Sometimes I don`t put…
Me: Auntie… that`s why it becomes red… (Aarrgghhh)

Me: Uncle… you already have an appointment next month… so whats wrong now?
Patient 3: I cannot see. My eyes are blurr…
Me: That`s because you have cataract.You already have a date for an operation.
Patient 3: Can I get an earlier date?
Me: Uncle… can you still walk around without help?
Patient 3: Yes
Me: Can you still watch tv?
Patient 3: Can..
Me: Then NO, stick to this date….
Patient 3: Alaaa yee sang, do me a favour la, one only. Please squeeze me somewhere..
Me: NNEEEXXTTTTTTT!!!!!!

And yesterday, I had a handful of patients, some with complicated cases that needed extra test and consultations from the specialists. Been running up and down. And on a busy and tiring day like that, I had a patient who was demanding, rude, impatient. I`ve examined him, did some tests, even did him a favour by ordering refraction. On a usual day, refraction can only be done by appointment and that is 3 months down the line. He shouted at my nurse, opened my door when I was with another patient… Dokter, lagi lama mahu tunggu ka?? His face looked as if he wanted to swallow me alive. It was waaayyy past the lunch hour. I was too hungry to even bother. I finished examining him and sent him off.

A thank you… would have been nice.

Streamyx galore...

I got my Streamyx on Thursday.. FINALLY.... after almost 2 months!!! Faster connection and less of Mak`s nagging when she couldn`t get me on the phone. Took me only few seconds to get online, to surf websites, to download… maannn this is cool!!!

P/S: If only my love life would stream like Streamyx.. * sigh *

Sleepless In Cheras..

I think I slept around 1 last night. Even though there was no emergencies and the ward was quiet. I just couldn`t sleep. Then i woke up at 4am. Tossed and turned. My mind was doing the 100metre dash. Just couldn`t sleep. Terkebil-kebil je.

Baik buat solat sunat....

Hmmm.... still couldn`t sleep. Baru pukul 5. Must be the nescafe semalam ni. Sampai 2 satchets. Padan muka. Ye la usually saturday night call is quite busy. Those drunken people with motor vehicle accident, kena stitch sana sini, mata dah bengkak tak boleh bukak... usually happens during the weekend. Quiet pulak semalam. Maybe ramai yang balik kampung, long weekend. Maybe thinking about the coming exam. Urghhhhhh!!!! Why did i put myself into this. It`s self torture. Ain`t gonna get any easier anyway bila dah jadi specialist. Or maybe i`m just too excited that he`s coming?? Hmmmm...

List of stuffs to do today:
1. Top up touch&go card
2. Cat food
3. Basuh beg, kena kencing Yibbe lagi... adeehhh.
4. Iron baju
5. Kemas notes.... bilik dah macam tempat kucing beranak
6. Cook lunch
7. Hot oil hair
8. Shave... dah ada hirsutism
9. Isi minyak kereta
10.Cuci kereta kalau sempat

Bila nak masuk subuh neeiii?? Maybe boleh cabut awal sikit. Just leave a note to the next person on-call. Two cases for review. Just simple ones. Then boleh pi pekena tosai.

Boring laaaa tak dapat tengok AIM. I don`t watch TV much. Usually the TV watches me. Maybe tonight can go watch movie. Lama dah tak menghabiskan pulus kat TGV tu. My record was 3 movies in one day. After the 3rd one, i`ve become deaf and dumb. The tympanic membrane was malfunctioned after 5-6 hours of torture. Aaahhh... those were the days.

Three hours of sleep. Apasal rasa hyper je ni? Nescafe hangover ke? Malam ni sure zonked out. Kesian la my date....

6:05am Still wide awake.... AAARRRRGGHHHHHH!!!!!