Woman to Woman, Heart to Heart

To be a woman, in this era of liberty, civilized world, is still as tough as the times of our mothers, our grandmothers and those before them. Perhaps, in a different manner. Sure, women are given more opportunities in terms of education, voicing out their opinions. Their roles in shaping the world are more acknowledged. Yet, there are still restrictions, limitations, boundaries, created not only by men, but sadly by the women themselves.

The society invents norms, a certain way of living, doing things, hidden laws to abide, unspoken rules to follow, tradition passed on between mothers and daughters. Those who break these rules will be shunned away.

Being a woman, single, financially independent, climbing up the ladder of higher career and social status, I too, have not been spared.

There is nothing wrong, being single at 30. There is nothing wrong, to not to depend on a man for every little things. It is not wrong, to be successful on your own. It is not a sin, not to have a child. They do not make me any less, a woman.

Some women chose to be single. Some women stay single due to certain circumstances. Rather than settling down earlier on, I chose to establish a career. I did not want to be a burden to anyone, especially not to my future husband. I wanted to be able to survive on my own, and survived i did. But it is a career that took so much out of me, that demanded so much sacrifices, time and energy. I do not think one could ever understand, imagine or empathize, unless one lives it him/herself. A career that is noble, yet a hindrance in disguise, that unfortunately set limitations to certain opportunities, affecting my social life which I still believe, have never existed.

At my age, with my career and title, men would think twice, even thrice, before consider dating me. I have never set any benchmark. Nevertheless, the inferiority, the pressures, the insecurities, emerged from the opposite sex themselves. Believe me, i`ve dated them. Those with established careers are mostly already in their 40s, married with kids or divorced with so much issues at hand. I`ve known them too. So who is left? Younger ones who just graduated from puberty? Who are still struggling between jobs? Who can`t decide which woman to choose? Who can`t control their raging hormones? Yup, I scared them away.

At 32, i`ve had my share of relationships. Those that were total disasters, those that should not be, those that could have been, those that exhausted me from trying too hard, those just for the sake of satisfying the parents. All piling up towards my resentment to the opposite sex. I became an angry, bitter person. Almost a feminist.

I have gotten to know guys from all kinds of backgrounds, educations. Almost got married twice, well, almost. Had relationship that dragged on till more than a year. And yes my friends, they were all singles. Though I also had the opportunity to get to know the divorcees, the married ones, was even offered to be 2nd, 3rd wife. I turned them down politely. Not because of the insecurities, the social status nor the financial chaos. Mostly because I felt used, taken for granted, manipulated, unappreciated…. unloved. I was misearable. I was tired. I was burnt.

It is not easy to find someone you like, and the other person likes you in return. This is a person whom I can have intelligent conversation with. Whom I can be serious, at the same time crack jokes with. Who can accept my views and opinions without getting his ego bruised. Who understands, or at least tried to understand, the craps that I have to swallow day in and out at work. One who accepted my flaws and weaknesses. Who took me the way I am. No more, no less. And for those reasons, I fell in love. Because of them, my love grew. But, as you`ve already known by now, he is not single.

Sadly, the society, being the ‘flawless’ society as it claimed to be, do not accept this. Even when the very religion they abide to allows it, it is considered unacceptable. Even if marriage is a way to prevent adultery, the society refused to acknowledge it. Thus, the social stigma, the titles, the name calling, the finger pointing….. Dah takde lelaki lain ke? ….. Dah tak laku sangat la tu…. Perampas laki orang… Being single at 30 means…. Andartu… Andalusia… Memilih sangat…Too career minded….Too desperate. Just like janda, the andartus have also become a threat to other women, especially married ones. Does this reflect their own insecurities?? I don`t know. Perhaps. We are labeled, ironically, by those who are supposed to support and stand by us. Even if the 1st consented, even if we have acknowledged each other, in good terms with one another, will the society understand? Does it believe in fate? Qada` and qadar?

I have my needs and desires. I have my own cause to fight, my war to win, my journey to travel till the very end in the afterlife. I want to be good, do good. Be a good daughter, a good wife, a good mother, a good servant to God and fellow human beings. I want to love and be loved. I want to be a woman, feel like a woman. Just like you..... just like everybody else.

Now tell me, what is wrong with that??