I am angry...

I am angry…. still.

Dah mandi, dah solat….. tapi am still angry.

I am sick, recuperating and not 100% well yet. All the energy I have left, I wasted on anger.

Angry at that person.
Angry that he failed to understand.
Angry that he refused to listen.
Angry that after all the hurt he inflicted, he pretended as if nothing happened.
Angry that he brushed off all reasonings.
Angry that he is no longer that sweet, passionate, caring person I used to know.
Angry that he made jokes out of my misery.
Angry that he made me listen to his twisted preach, yet refused to listen to a single word I say…

I am angry.

I felt like pushing someone down, onto the tar-coated road, head first, from 17th floor…
I felt like rolling someone over and over again with Petronas oil kontena truck… yes, P. E. T. R. O. N. A. S!!!!!
I felt like shoving someone’s head into the blender and turn it on to the max… then feed it to the wild dogs!!

Man… I am so angry!!

I need some ice cream…

My Haiku...

I am angry, and sad. I just can't believe that some people are beyond reasoning, beyond compromise, beyond respect...

The same person who claimed to be understanding, promised to at least try to understand...

*********************

Hatred clouds sanity,
Judgements lost amongst dusts,
Mended heart broken, yet again.

Rambling away...

I have been busy.

I have been sick.

Had fever and flu since Tuesday. Had to do a presentation on Friday. Despite the croaky voice and bouts of whooping cough, i think i delivered well though. Siap kena puji lagi (nak riak sikit).

Still not well. Had to attend class for exams on Saturday. Then, today kena buat rounds. Adoiiii...

Last night couldn't sleep due to the cough. Perhaps i talked too much commenting on Malaysian Idol. Kekekekeke... Nita tu seksi sangat la, Daniel tu suara tak power la, etc etc.

This morning woke up. Sakit pinggang yang teramat sangat. Slipped disc ke ape ni? Still in pain as i am typing this.

Kalau ada laki, boleh gak suruh dia urut. Itupun kalau dia nak.

Mi... you ni bila nak kahwin?
Esok...
Hisshh...

Mi... pi la cari sape-sape buat teman hidup.
Nak cari kat mana? Sogo? KLCC? Pasaraya Hero??
You niiii...

Mi... you tak nak kahwin ke?
Kawin tu menatang ape?
Oiitttt...

I think they finally gave up...

Letter to him...

Waalaikumsalam,

Yeah, cosmetics do wonders nowadays. There are shows like extreme makeover etc where plastic surgeries and make-up could change just anybody to be more beautiful. Sure it gives one more confidence and boost the self-esteem. But can it make someone's heart and soul more beautiful?

Six years is a very long time. You have to learn to let go and move on. I knew this guy from his blog that he waited for one particular girl for 8 years. They finally broke up. I guess if someone or something is not meant to be, then it is not meant to be.

Yeah, we tend to compare. To our ex, to our mother or father. I think that's just human nature. But it is a bit unfair for that particular person kan?

Me? Well, almost got married twice. You know, the guy's parents datang rumah, cincin etc etc. My story is almost as colourful as my character i guess. I have dumped people before, got fooled, cheated, taken for granted, heartbroken etc etc. The usual Cerekarama or Drama Minggu Ini or soap operas. Been there, done that. I even almost became someone's second wife, with the blessings of the first wife, of course. I think i have been through a lot that nowadays, i almost don't bother anymore. Felines make better companions, true. They don't question your love.

Whatever reasons for marrying a person, be it economical or out of pure love, make sure it is for the right reasons.

A good friend of mine told me that i am too independent. That i don't need a man to take care of me, except for maybe companionship. Perhaps that's true. I think i am too secure in my own comfort zone. I am so used to do things by myself, for myself. All i need to think about is just me and myself.

I have fallen in love, then out of it. Some i regretted. Some i take as a lesson in life. Those that add colours to my life. Life is short kan? So, why dwell on things.

I guess i see most things in a humorous way. Jokes and laughters are good at hiding those sorrowful bit.

Till later.


Marina

Almost Heaven...

On Wednesday, I was at the Primula Beach Resort. I decided to take a walk along the shores of Pantai Batu Buruk. It had been ages since I last went to the beach. Any beach for that matter.

It was indeed a beautiful sight…..

Wind blowing softly against my cheeks
The soft sand between my toes
The fluffy cotton candies amongst bluest skies

The breaking waves synchronizing with my heartbeat
The fresh air of each and every breath
The blue green water as salty as my tears
The never ending sea till the world’s edge

There was just me and myself

There were just Him and my soul

There were just us… and He was talking

I felt so peaceful, it was almost Heaven.....

D Day

7 more weeks....

Then...

I can blog and merapu meraban all i want
I can watch tv as much as i want
I can watch as many movies
I can merendek wherever i feel like
I can read story books, watch VCD, read blogs
I can flirt and mengurat as my heart desires
I can balik kampung as often as i could
I can sleep as much as i want

7 more weeks...

Till then..

Geliga kucing...

First, a mommy cat gave birth to 5 kitties, 4 died. Tinggal satu. They always come over to my house for food. Sometimes, even lepaking in my house because my neighbour's kids jahat-jahat. Suka kejar and buli kucing-kucing tu (my sis rescued Yibbe from these kids. They were suffocating the poor cat in a tupperware!!).

I don't know why some kids are so ruthless. Mak bapak depa tak ajar ke sifat sayang pada makhluk Tuhan? Agaknya mak bapak depa pun main sepak je kalau ada kucing lalu depan depa.

Anyway, as you know, all my cats were strays that my sis picked up tepi jalan. So, recently we had another addition to our household. Yang ni jumpa tengah-tengah tangga. Nasib baik tak kena pijak. Kecik lagi..... baru nak teething. Biasa la I memang melt kalau tengok kittens ni.

So now, the kitten is happily playing around the house, even though Memeng and Misha kept hissing and pelangkung the kitty whenever it comes near them. We have not given the kitty a name yet. Dunno jantina dia lagi. Haven't checked the bon bon yet. But i have a feeling it is a male. Maybe nak kasi nama Ciki, or Naruto or Shinchan, kalau betina Cumi atau Nita macam Malaysian Idol tu. Ok tak? Kekekeke..

This morning, jumpa pulak a cat yang dah besar sikit, maybe couple of months old. Kurus kedengking. Ni mesti ada orang buang. Kesiannyaaaa.... soooo kurus and dehydrated. So i put a bowl of water, and dia minum and minum and minum. The cat looks so sick. I think it is dying. Same thing when we rescued Memeng dulu. But I think with enough tender loving care, the cat will survive. But i have too many already. Isskkkk... macam mana ni? Tapi bila tengok kucing tu, sayu rasa hati (at this very moment, Ciki/Cumi is playing at my feet). I hope it doesn't die in front of my house. Tak sampai hatinyaaaa....

My father loves cats. Cats always follow him around. Kalau pi makan kat gerai pun mesti ada kucing datang. According to Mak "Abah kome tu ada geliga kucin..." So, he attracts cats wherever he goes.

I think he has passed on that geliga to me... adeehhhh..

Jiwang mode...

... till the night wind freezes into snowflakes
....till the sun emerges from behind the dark clouds
....till the rain softens the rocks at river banks

i too, shall wait...

for the soft hands to caress my cheeks
for the voice that sings me to sleep

even for a lifetime...

Baby Cats

I am not really good with kids. I do not have much patience. I could not stand a baby’s cry. I could not tolerate a toddler’s tantrum

I could never comprehend why parents bring their a couple months old baby to crowded shopping centres. Nak show off ke? Hey, we made him… that’s our doings. I mean, that baby is too small to comprehend anything at that age anyway. Pastu dengan beg besar isi diapers la, botol susu, air masak dan entah hape-hape lagi. Tu belum talk about all the infections the baby is exposed to at a public place like that.

Today, I saw this kid with panhypopituitarism secondary to corpus collosum agenesis with epilepsy and global developmental delay. Yeah, it is as bad as it sounds. I hope God will not test me with that kind of ordeal. I pity her mother. Tough lady she is.

Examining a child can be difficult and tricky. Examining a mentally challenged kid is a challenge on its own. I was kicked at, my glasses almost fell off my face, I was spat at, but noooooooo… give up I shall not. It is my responsibility. In the end, I managed to examine her. After a bit of crying, everything ended well, and the child and I waved bye-bye.

I still don’t know if I want a child, with or without a father.

I think I am happier with felines…

The wind of change

People change...

Sometimes a change is inevitable...

Sometimes a change is good...

Sometimes people change for the better, or worse...

Sometimes it takes a lifetime to change...

Sometimes a person changes in a blink of an eye, in a breath of a word, in a drop of a tear...


I am still the same...