Saying goodbye is hard to do...
SMS from him: The plane just touched down. Please be strong for me…
SMS from me: I will…
Yeah, I will. I will do anything for him. I hope I am strong enough. He had gone back. We had to say our goodbyes again…
**********
As I drove back from the airport earlier, I just could not stop thinking about him. He is not perfect; nevertheless, I love him for those imperfections. They remind me of my own.
His thoughts, are almost similar to mine. He could not fool me because I knew his tricks beforehand, and neither could I, as he almost always anticipate my next move.
When I stepped on the gas pedal, I could remember him getting upset because I drove fast, so I slowed down. Whilst I looked at the side-mirror, I remembered his guilty face when he almost hit the mirror against the toll side-gate, I smiled to myself. He is a clumsy guy all right, with high affinity to break things. Thank god I have the knack of fixing things, well, almost.
As I read the signboards, it reminded me the time when we fought as we lost our way. He missed the junction because he was 'fondling' with the radio which was blaringly loud, and he was not concentrating. He had a vile taste of my silent treatment. Yes, he pissed me off every 15 minutes, but he also made me love him every 5, instead.
I looked at the place where he kept his stuff. No sign that he had been there at all. I think he left the toothbrush in the bathroom on purpose. There was nothing else to leave behind anyway, other than me.....The room looked barren and desolate. The echoing sound from the idiot box slowly vanished, the white walls looked dark and overshadowing.
I have never felt so empty.
**********
Two hours later, he called….
He: Assalamualaikum… (After spending some time together, my heart ached, just from hearing his voice)
Me: Waalaikumsalam…
He: Tengah buat apa?
Me: Thinking about you… (Control girl …..control yourself)
He: Me too… (*sigh*)
Me: So what did kakak cook? (Trying to sound chirpy)
He: Chicken curry…
Me: Errmmm…..
Me: Dah makan? (Dah pukul 3, of course la sudah, stooppiiddd)
He: Dah
Me: So tengah buat apa?
He: Baring-baring je…
Me: Ok..
(*pause*)
Me: So did you get the knife back from the pilot??
( He forgot to keep his multipurpose toolkit with knife in the luggage, instead had it attached on his belt. Tu la, kan dah kena tangkap...unfortunately, he had a dose of my nagging too)
He: Yeah, of course I did. (Of course he did, what kind of a question was that?? Suddenly i was loss for words)
Me: Ok…
(*silence*)
Me: Abang....
He: Yes?? ( He sounded so near, yet so far away. That fact was hurting me badly)
Me:….….. ( Oh please, please say something. I just wanna hear your voice)
I was blurry eyed again.
(*deafening silence*)
He: I`m a bit sleepy. Think of taking a nap.
Me: Oh ok… ( Was hoping small, short words will hide my breaking voice)
He: I`ll call you later.. (My heart was aching)
Me: Yeah, ugh…. ermm…. sure… ( Words turned into little sobs. I could not contain the feelings any longer)
He: I love you…. ( I could not breathe. He was the first man who cried for me. How could i not love him??)
Me: I love you too… (Barely managed a whisper)
*Click*
**********
Dearest,
I am sorry. I know I promised you that I will be strong. But that feeling of helplessness, the uncertainties, the longing … they engulfed me, all over again.
Despite of the deafening thunderstorm outside..... all I could hear was the sound of my sobs.
I have never cried so hard like that night....
SMS from me: I will…
Yeah, I will. I will do anything for him. I hope I am strong enough. He had gone back. We had to say our goodbyes again…
**********
As I drove back from the airport earlier, I just could not stop thinking about him. He is not perfect; nevertheless, I love him for those imperfections. They remind me of my own.
His thoughts, are almost similar to mine. He could not fool me because I knew his tricks beforehand, and neither could I, as he almost always anticipate my next move.
When I stepped on the gas pedal, I could remember him getting upset because I drove fast, so I slowed down. Whilst I looked at the side-mirror, I remembered his guilty face when he almost hit the mirror against the toll side-gate, I smiled to myself. He is a clumsy guy all right, with high affinity to break things. Thank god I have the knack of fixing things, well, almost.
As I read the signboards, it reminded me the time when we fought as we lost our way. He missed the junction because he was 'fondling' with the radio which was blaringly loud, and he was not concentrating. He had a vile taste of my silent treatment. Yes, he pissed me off every 15 minutes, but he also made me love him every 5, instead.
I looked at the place where he kept his stuff. No sign that he had been there at all. I think he left the toothbrush in the bathroom on purpose. There was nothing else to leave behind anyway, other than me.....The room looked barren and desolate. The echoing sound from the idiot box slowly vanished, the white walls looked dark and overshadowing.
I have never felt so empty.
**********
Two hours later, he called….
He: Assalamualaikum… (After spending some time together, my heart ached, just from hearing his voice)
Me: Waalaikumsalam…
He: Tengah buat apa?
Me: Thinking about you… (Control girl …..control yourself)
He: Me too… (*sigh*)
Me: So what did kakak cook? (Trying to sound chirpy)
He: Chicken curry…
Me: Errmmm…..
Me: Dah makan? (Dah pukul 3, of course la sudah, stooppiiddd)
He: Dah
Me: So tengah buat apa?
He: Baring-baring je…
Me: Ok..
(*pause*)
Me: So did you get the knife back from the pilot??
( He forgot to keep his multipurpose toolkit with knife in the luggage, instead had it attached on his belt. Tu la, kan dah kena tangkap...unfortunately, he had a dose of my nagging too)
He: Yeah, of course I did. (Of course he did, what kind of a question was that?? Suddenly i was loss for words)
Me: Ok…
(*silence*)
Me: Abang....
He: Yes?? ( He sounded so near, yet so far away. That fact was hurting me badly)
Me:….….. ( Oh please, please say something. I just wanna hear your voice)
I was blurry eyed again.
(*deafening silence*)
He: I`m a bit sleepy. Think of taking a nap.
Me: Oh ok… ( Was hoping small, short words will hide my breaking voice)
He: I`ll call you later.. (My heart was aching)
Me: Yeah, ugh…. ermm…. sure… ( Words turned into little sobs. I could not contain the feelings any longer)
He: I love you…. ( I could not breathe. He was the first man who cried for me. How could i not love him??)
Me: I love you too… (Barely managed a whisper)
*Click*
**********
Dearest,
I am sorry. I know I promised you that I will be strong. But that feeling of helplessness, the uncertainties, the longing … they engulfed me, all over again.
Despite of the deafening thunderstorm outside..... all I could hear was the sound of my sobs.
I have never cried so hard like that night....
posted by marina at 5:53 AM
Falling in love with an engineer?
All the best to u Mimi.. I hate to see u being hurt again.
Take care,
An ex-engineer
"He was the first man who cried for me."
He may have been the first to cry for you, but I'll bet you're NOT the first he's cried for. Neither will you be the last.
As a woman who's had first hand experience with this... I plead that you take off those rose-tinted glasses. Treat this as you would any other disease you're faced with in your line of work, Doc. The symptoms sometimes mislead you to the wrong diagnosis.
i've just heard a lovely song
i feel my heart warms
i can fall and be in love so wrong
but my soul be free of wants
that's my pantun for you doc. but your haiku is better no doubt.
Anon1: Being alone hurts too..
Anon2: Yes, he had cried for other women. And i, for other men. Our tears were meant for that particular person, at that particular moment.
My glasses are not tinted, they help me to see clearer. But true enough, sometimes the eyes do not see what the mind refuse to believe.
Being patient and inquisitive, helps a lot in making a diagnosis. But to err is human, even for doctors.
sigh..... the world is never black and white is it. Sometimes it's so blaringly bright that we had to wear glasses to make it glow oh so rosy
Atenah:
Don`t we all wish life is that simple. Nothing is as crystal clear as black and white... there is always that grey area in between.