Getting nowhere...
I worked my ass off today. Started at 8:30am, and I wrote my final entry in the last patient`s ticket at 4.30pm. No breaks, no lunch. Only answered nature`s call in between. My hand shook because of the tiredness and probably hunger pang. I`m surprised I do not have gastritis with the amount of torture I put myself into. Only had a glass of milk for breakfast.
I have been taking care of people, strangers and families, friends and foes. Ever since I knew medicine. Be it physical and emotional health. Even when I am damn tired, still, I put on a smile and offer my best. My friends say i`m the coolest lady, never crumble even when I am under tremendous pressure. If only they knew how good an actress i`ve become.
Over the years, I had a lot of practice. Layman always have this perception that doctors are serious, emotionless, nerdy, bulletproof, tough, untouchable bunch of people. They even question when doctors get sick. The truth is, we had a lot of practice in hiding our emotions. You can`t expect the doctor who announce death to the demised family members to cry and wail with everyone else. Can you?
But at certain times, when the going gets tough, when the night seems lonelier than usual, when the breeze refuse to blow, when the rain turn to thunderstorms, I wonder… who takes care of me? Me, I and myself?
My parents have always taught me to be independent. They have only 2 daughters. But we didn`t get everything easy… well, not for me anyway.
I remember my first day in kindergarten, Abah sent me. Then he left me there, without a word. I thought he was amongst the other parents who waited for their kids, well at least on their first day. I was too oblivious, with new friends and all. Everyone went home by 11. I had to wait for him till 4pm because his office was too far away. I cried so hard, thinking he dumped me there. Thinking he didn`t want me no more. I wetted my underwear because I was too afraid to say anything to the new teacher. Thank you Cikgu Puteh for staying behind everyday with me.
When I was in Std 1, abah did the same thing. But this time, I ride the bus to school. He made sure I memorise the house address. I got on, and he just waved. What if I got down at the wrong school? What if the bus leave school without me? What if.. what if??? I grew up fast enough.
When abah left for studies, I was left to fend for myself. Mak was busy with work, adik and making ends meet for all of us. I learnt to ride the bicycle all by myself. When a motorcycle hit me while I was crossing the road to school, no one came to help. Mak was working, abah was away. I pushed the bicycle, crooked rim, flat tyre, bruised all over…. to school. I always learn things, the hard way.
When I was in med school, I was down with dengue fever. Despite bodyache, temperature of 40 degrees, I walked to the hospital. I hailed a cab halfway because I was too weak. I admitted myself in. Only informed my parents when I was discharged.
I`m so used to doing things myself, making my own decision. But I always have those people whom I love to consider, behind that every decision. Took up medicine because partly, I want mak and abah to be happy, to be proud of me. Partly was my own personal challenge.
Although I have lived under mak and abah shelter for so long, I crave for the freedom. After few years starting work, and living independently, I was transferred to a hospital near to home. Mak was ecstatic. I, on the other hand, felt suffocated. And thus the masters programme and back to KL again.
At 32, many of us would have a life of our own. Husband, wife, kids to take care of. Where to settle in.. etc etc. Me…. Mak still calls just to check on me. They were busy when I was growing up, so now why all the attention??
Sure, i`ve had my fair share of mistakes. Did things I regretted till this day. Met the wrong people. Got fooled and crushed. But isn’t that what life is all about? Ain`t all bed of roses, of sweeties and honey? Sometimes you do not know that something is not right for you, till you`ve experienced it, tasted it, live it youself. Is it fair to judge, before something even started?
I have been taking care of people, strangers and families, friends and foes. Ever since I knew medicine. Be it physical and emotional health. Even when I am damn tired, still, I put on a smile and offer my best. My friends say i`m the coolest lady, never crumble even when I am under tremendous pressure. If only they knew how good an actress i`ve become.
Over the years, I had a lot of practice. Layman always have this perception that doctors are serious, emotionless, nerdy, bulletproof, tough, untouchable bunch of people. They even question when doctors get sick. The truth is, we had a lot of practice in hiding our emotions. You can`t expect the doctor who announce death to the demised family members to cry and wail with everyone else. Can you?
But at certain times, when the going gets tough, when the night seems lonelier than usual, when the breeze refuse to blow, when the rain turn to thunderstorms, I wonder… who takes care of me? Me, I and myself?
My parents have always taught me to be independent. They have only 2 daughters. But we didn`t get everything easy… well, not for me anyway.
I remember my first day in kindergarten, Abah sent me. Then he left me there, without a word. I thought he was amongst the other parents who waited for their kids, well at least on their first day. I was too oblivious, with new friends and all. Everyone went home by 11. I had to wait for him till 4pm because his office was too far away. I cried so hard, thinking he dumped me there. Thinking he didn`t want me no more. I wetted my underwear because I was too afraid to say anything to the new teacher. Thank you Cikgu Puteh for staying behind everyday with me.
When I was in Std 1, abah did the same thing. But this time, I ride the bus to school. He made sure I memorise the house address. I got on, and he just waved. What if I got down at the wrong school? What if the bus leave school without me? What if.. what if??? I grew up fast enough.
When abah left for studies, I was left to fend for myself. Mak was busy with work, adik and making ends meet for all of us. I learnt to ride the bicycle all by myself. When a motorcycle hit me while I was crossing the road to school, no one came to help. Mak was working, abah was away. I pushed the bicycle, crooked rim, flat tyre, bruised all over…. to school. I always learn things, the hard way.
When I was in med school, I was down with dengue fever. Despite bodyache, temperature of 40 degrees, I walked to the hospital. I hailed a cab halfway because I was too weak. I admitted myself in. Only informed my parents when I was discharged.
I`m so used to doing things myself, making my own decision. But I always have those people whom I love to consider, behind that every decision. Took up medicine because partly, I want mak and abah to be happy, to be proud of me. Partly was my own personal challenge.
Although I have lived under mak and abah shelter for so long, I crave for the freedom. After few years starting work, and living independently, I was transferred to a hospital near to home. Mak was ecstatic. I, on the other hand, felt suffocated. And thus the masters programme and back to KL again.
At 32, many of us would have a life of our own. Husband, wife, kids to take care of. Where to settle in.. etc etc. Me…. Mak still calls just to check on me. They were busy when I was growing up, so now why all the attention??
Sure, i`ve had my fair share of mistakes. Did things I regretted till this day. Met the wrong people. Got fooled and crushed. But isn’t that what life is all about? Ain`t all bed of roses, of sweeties and honey? Sometimes you do not know that something is not right for you, till you`ve experienced it, tasted it, live it youself. Is it fair to judge, before something even started?
posted by marina at 9:56 PM
i too have been deemed as the dependable one. during std 1, my mom dropped me at school & my neighbour asked me to take care of her daughter. apsal huh? 7 yrs old pun org dah percaya gitu. and i've been *good* all my life (trust me here ok ;)
As a father and a parent, I promise not to be like my mother, like my father, like your mother, like your father.
I promise to care, understand, support, be there for my children, especially my daughters.
Be kind to your daughters.
marina,
you're still not out of the 'troughs' are you? you write so well, you are so lucky. i can sense your melancholy, but i can only pray for you from afar. May Allah accept your repentance for your mistakes that u mentioned.