Broken...

Waiting for him to come, was probably one of the most exciting things that had happened to her since the past few months. To be able to relive those fond memories, the anticipation and just the thought of his presence, gave her butterflies. She will again hear that familiar voice, able to look at his lips when he utters those words. No more mere imaginations, phone calls, or just words in cyberspace.

It had been a while since they last met. Due to work and other factors, communication was reduced to a minimum, although unwillingly to her. Not even a weekly phone calls. Just a few smses here and there.

Though feeling neglected, she had tried to understand his predicaments and worries. She tried very hard to ignore the void that he had left behind.

It was an opportunity to pick things up where they have been left off. It was a chance to rekindle the relationship, or whatever that is left of it.

But when hopes are placed too high, the rejections came crushing down faster and the pain more excruciating.

Everything was plain ordinary. The spark was just not there anymore. The warmth turned bitter cold. The intimacy felt awkward and pretentious. The silence was deafening. They both felt different.

They parted as lovers, but they met again as strangers.

People change. Love changes.

Why must words be twisted? Those beautiful, soothing words turned into anger and sarcasm.

Why must there be analogies? Why must he be so philosophical? Why couldn’t he just say it straight to her face?

I do not love you anymore… not as much as before.
I do not care anymore…
Let’s just do nothing and perhaps nature will take its course…

Priorities have changed. Ideas and opinions are no longer heard and respected. Different, unaccepted views were mocked and pushed aside even before they reach the table of discussion.

Perhaps, she was too idealistic. Too secured and too comfortable within her shell. Living in her own fairy-tale. Where hearts don’t break. Where marriages are sacred, and meant to last forever. Where loving someone means making him/her happy, in any ways rendered possible.

Or perhaps, he was plain ignorant.

During most of the limited time he spent with her, he seemed rather too pre-occupied with other things. She no longer mattered She no longer became the epitome of his attention. Not even when she was right next to him, breathing the same air, sipping from the same glass. The news on tv was far more exciting. The neverending smses were more interesting. Perhaps they were from that someone whom actually DID matter to him.

She felt unwanted. She felt insignificant. She felt invisible.

Maybe he did not care anymore? Maybe he loved her for the wrong reasons? Maybe he never did love her?

Things were so much different a year ago. She still remembered how much she was in love with him. One message on the phone from him was enough to light up her entire day. And because of those memories, she still held on.

Was she deceived into believing that happiness is something achievable? That love is immortal? Was she too naïve in thinking that the reason of marrying someone is purely out of love, not because one has to or feels obligated to? Was she foolishly optimistic back then?

In the end, she took the easy way out. She blamed herself. It was typical of her.

She was not the perfect lover. She was not understanding enough. She was not patient enough. She was wrong. He was right. She had indeed, lost her dignity and self-worth.

She had forgotten who she was. She did not have the right to ask for his time and attention. She did not have any rights to feel jealous or angry. She did not have the right to feel anything or ask anything from him. She did not have any rights at all.

He did not belong to her, but to someone else more lawful, more deserving. She realized that she had out stepped her boundaries.

She tried, in her last failing effort, to talk to him. She tried to vent out her frustrations, to explain why she did certain things, believe in certain things. Hoping that he would understand. Hoping that he could be part of her life again. Perhaps she did not sound right over the phone. Perhaps, things are simpler to comprehend when said face to face.

He understood everything, he said coldly. Then, he refused to listen anymore. He did not even look into her eyes.

At that moment, she knew she had lost him. And there was nothing she could do. Her heart shattered to pieces. Her chest felt heavy, she almost stopped breathing. Her eyes glassy with those familiar salty waters. She clasped her hands together to prevent them from trembling.

When they eventually parted, there were no kisses, no goodbyes, not even a handshake. She walked on and this time, she did not look back. It was obvious that she was holding back her tears. She must be strong. She shall not falter. She shall not succumb.

As she reached her car, alone, away from seeing eyes, she finally broke into sobs. Her shoulders shook violently. She was no longer that strong woman. She was no longer the pillar of her own strength.

She kept whispering, over and over again…. ‘but I gave you my heart, I gave you my heart…’

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Today, I am a broken woman.