Happy birthday to me...
People celebrate their birthdays in many ways. Some would party all night. Some would spend it with their loved ones. Some would just treat it like any other days. Some would sulk and drown themselves in sorrow.
I had to work… and I was on-call.
Two days ago was my 32nd birthday. Instead of feeling happy, I woke up with tears in my eyes. Again, like many times before, there ware no cakes, no gifts. Just a few sms wishes from Mak and my close friends, which are very few. Someone dear to me even forgot my birthday. Perhaps, I am not important anymore.
I was tired.
I was stressed with the upcoming exams.
I was everything, but happy.
It did not feel like one of the most precious day in my life, but just one lousy, crappy day. The call was not too bad. I managed to sleep for a couple of hours. The clinic on the next day was busy. Then we had a meeting with the boss that dragged on till 6pm. I was dog tired at the end of the day, with a tension headache. Thought of calling Abah to wish him Happy Birthday (his was the next day after mine…. Mak said I was his biggest birthday present :) ), but both of them already went to the mosque for terawih. Did send him birthday sms earlier in the morning and hope his birthday card reached him in time.
My family is not very affectionate. We don’t hug or kiss or be mushy and all that. It is just not our way of expressing love. I think the last time I kissed Mak and Abah on the cheeks was when I sent them to Mecca…. 14 years ago. But I guess we love each other in our own way.
I zonked out the whole night. Only woke up for sahur.
Then it dawned to me… 33 is coming soon….
Maaannnn… where have all the years gone? What have I done? What have I achieved? So many things just flashed through my mind. Like watching a movie. My life part 1…. Part 2… part 3… part 30…. I wish things are like this, I wish these did not happen… I wish… I wish…I wish I am 20 again…
I think I had a good childhood. I had a wonderful time at school, at the boarding school, during university days. But I think I started to get messed up when I got emotionally exposed to the opposite sex.
Things I regretted.
Things I am ashamed of.
Things I wish I could undo.
It started then… and I am still messed up now…
I had to work… and I was on-call.
Two days ago was my 32nd birthday. Instead of feeling happy, I woke up with tears in my eyes. Again, like many times before, there ware no cakes, no gifts. Just a few sms wishes from Mak and my close friends, which are very few. Someone dear to me even forgot my birthday. Perhaps, I am not important anymore.
I was tired.
I was stressed with the upcoming exams.
I was everything, but happy.
It did not feel like one of the most precious day in my life, but just one lousy, crappy day. The call was not too bad. I managed to sleep for a couple of hours. The clinic on the next day was busy. Then we had a meeting with the boss that dragged on till 6pm. I was dog tired at the end of the day, with a tension headache. Thought of calling Abah to wish him Happy Birthday (his was the next day after mine…. Mak said I was his biggest birthday present :) ), but both of them already went to the mosque for terawih. Did send him birthday sms earlier in the morning and hope his birthday card reached him in time.
My family is not very affectionate. We don’t hug or kiss or be mushy and all that. It is just not our way of expressing love. I think the last time I kissed Mak and Abah on the cheeks was when I sent them to Mecca…. 14 years ago. But I guess we love each other in our own way.
I zonked out the whole night. Only woke up for sahur.
Then it dawned to me… 33 is coming soon….
Maaannnn… where have all the years gone? What have I done? What have I achieved? So many things just flashed through my mind. Like watching a movie. My life part 1…. Part 2… part 3… part 30…. I wish things are like this, I wish these did not happen… I wish… I wish…I wish I am 20 again…
I think I had a good childhood. I had a wonderful time at school, at the boarding school, during university days. But I think I started to get messed up when I got emotionally exposed to the opposite sex.
Things I regretted.
Things I am ashamed of.
Things I wish I could undo.
It started then… and I am still messed up now…
When will I learn?
Will I ever learn?
Will I stop having hopes?
Will hope stop having me?
Happy birthday to me…
posted by marina at 9:01 PM
