marina`s eye

PZ...

2009-01-18T16:27:00.005+08:00

Pizza Zionis??

Tak laaaa...

HAPPY 2009, SALAM MAAL HIJRAH 1430.

Ok i admit i am guilty of not updating. Hangat2 taik ayam selalunya. But i have been bloghopping and mesmerised by this particular blog 'Piahzadora dot blogspot'.

It all started when a fellow blogger called me up, told me that i was being mentioned in a blog in a not very nice manner. I was not the subject matter at hand, but by someone who have crossed my path many years ago.

Though i was not quite bothered at first as i have erased that dark episode in my life, it seemed that the Karakatoa had suddenly erupted. As if there are not enough skeleton in that someone's closet, that someone tried to open others' closets too for the whole world to see. That particular blog's comment box was like a warzone with swearing, name-calling, retaliation, assumptions, judgements etc. Would have made Saturday Night Live cry in shame.

I read every comment, every word. But i stayed silent. Didn't leave any comments in that particular blog. Meroyan in my blog je.

Anger turned to pity. A jerk is a jerk. A fool does not need anybody's help to make him/her look more foolish. The blog has moved on. I too, have moved on. A long, long time ago.

So must you....

And then she became Piahzadoralagi. So laaaaggiiii banyak aksi terjah menerjah berlaku. The blogging world can be very disguising and dangerous. Many were fooled including moi.

A CEO of a multimillion company turned out to be a house husband. A cup C was actually a B. A self-proclaimed gay turned out to be a loving husband to a very female wife. Such was the drama.

Issues discussed are interesting too. But the commentators are the one who made the blog entertaining and addictive. PZ is currently the hippiest place to hang out (since Starbucks and anything American dah kena boikot).

I do agree with some issues. Especially on butchering of languages, both english and malay and the bag-ho..... definitely hilarious. They even have english classes in that comment box hehehehe... I think most of the commentators meant well. But certain bloggers are just beyond repair!

So to those who love watching Melodi or reading Mangga or URTV or yang sewaktu dengannya, drop by at the above blog. Unfortunately, the celebrities are not Mawi or Ekin mind you. You shall be entertained, but in a much much classier way. But i think you do need some level of intelligence to understand what's written between the lines or to laugh at the jokes. Nanti ada pulak yang jadi bahan jenaka. I think the people in PZ have taken gossiping to a higher notch.

Foul languages, sarcasm and butt crack jokes aside, don't say i didn't warn you.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

10 Things I Hate About You...

2008-11-21T19:40:00.006+08:00

1. Hot tempered

2. Suka berlagak pandai ( even in things you know little about... like medicine )

3. Suka mencarut dan maki-hamun, calling people names like bodoh, babi, bangang... ( i too, was not spared )

4. Perasan bagus sangat and like to downgrade others ( humble and humility never existed in your dictionary )

5. Suka cakap besar ( the higher above the ground, the better )

6. Very selfish ( you think everything revolves around you, and you only )

7. Very defensive, to the extent of mocking and humiliating others, JUST TO PROVE A POINT!

8. Do not practise what you preach, yet recite ayat itu, hadis ini...

9. No respect for other people's feelings especially those you claim dear to you

10. Mengaku intelligent, ada high IQ, well educated.... tapi bergaduh macam budak2 berhingus

I have mentioned these many, many times in an attempt to reform you to be a better person. Of course, i was delusional back then

Tapi bagai mencurah air ke daun keladi

Bagai anjing menyalak bukit

It backfired and i was hurt in the process

Very, very hurt

A few years later...

Thought he would be wiser

Leopard never change its spots

Old dog can't learn new tricks

I REST MY CASE...

p/s: Nothing to do with the parents, the reason was you, you and only YOU. Kapish???

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AGAIN (BUMMER!)...

2008-10-03T15:43:00.003+08:00

Has it been a year already? Maaannnn..... how time flies.

Happy 35th birthday to me!!!!

It is the 3rd day of Ramadhan and i have to work. Bummer!

I am having migraine and started work in a foul mood. Double bummer!!

Only one person smsed happy birthday to me this morning. A MISEARABLE ONE!!! And he was an EPISODE in my life.

At home, mak is hosting 'Open House' for my cousins, uncles and aunties.

After all those cooking and eating, who has to clean up the mess?? Moi laaaaaa....

It is my birthday, it is still Hari Raya..... and i feel crappy.

Bummer!!!

Happy Birthday...

2007-10-03T20:26:00.000+08:00

I am 34 today..... Yippe!!!!

Regrets...

2007-08-21T18:50:00.000+08:00

Of all that's worthy in this world,

men are not one of them..

Mourning...

2007-07-10T23:28:00.000+08:00

Dear all... one of my cats died after 4 months of combating an unknown delibitating disease. I am in a period of mourning. Will write about it soon.

I am just too sad right now...

Wedding Blues...

2007-07-02T19:46:00.000+08:00

I never liked weddings...

When I was small, I hated weddings.

That was when I had to be the ‘bunga telur’ girl.

I was shy.

Giving out eggs to strangers was not my forte. Even when most of the strangers are in some way, related to my roots.

We didn’t have towels, or sweets, or mini potpourris, or wedding goodie bags back then. Just eggs…. Hard boiled eggs. Grandma used to make delicious egg curry with them left over cracked eggs… yuummmm.

When I was a teenager, I still hated weddings.

That was when all the pakciks and makciks and wan and tokcik were asking….

‘Anok daghe sape ni komeee?? ( I was pimple laden, still shy gal then)

‘Udoh besor bebenorrr’ (yeah, I was chubby. The baby fat stays on till this very day).

‘Udoh boleh kawen niiiii…’ (errr… hello, I was on my way to a higher institute of learning, not jadi tukang kutip kain pelikat kotor, or tukang kemas suratkhabar, or tukang basuh bontot budak…. Okkkk)

When I was a young adult, I hated weddings even more…

Kamu ni bila lagi? Jangan la memilih sangat…

Takkan boifren pun takde kut…

Aiks… belajar tak habis-habis lagi ke?

And when my friends’ younger sisters and brothers started having their weddings too, i just stopped attending them...

I made myself busy all the time… even when I was not. That was one of those moments I took full advantage of being a doctor.

My parents had long stopped asking me to come along.

I started sending wedding gifts thru mail.

I missed my cousins wedding, did not even bother to look at the ‘gubahan hantaran’ or wedding photos…

I skipped that wedding segment in Nona.

I stopped reading about weddings in magazines.

I think it had been ages since I attended a wedding, that I have forgotten why I hated it in the first place…

But yesterday, I went to one. One of my staff’s daughters got married…

As an HOD, I felt obliged to go.

The kenduri was buffet style. I ate at a table, alone.

All around me were families. Young couples with kids. Old couples with teenage children.

My young staffs came with their young wives and babies…..

And it all came back.

It made me feel awkward.

It made me feel embarrassed.

It made me feel inadequate.

I hate weddings….

Rainbow...My Foot

2007-06-15T21:01:00.000+08:00

The operation theatre (OT) where i stab humans eyes, is very cold.

Therefore, i wear socks.

I like colourful socks because they de-stress me and add colours to the OT.

I will be singing.... happy shiny people.... in them rainbow socks

I have chubby cheeks and stubby toes

I wear black OT shoes to avoid sharp objects like needles and scalpels from falling and hurting my feet.

But i do get stepped on my toes, far too often.

And when that happens, the colourful socks, lose their rainbows...

HOD...

2007-06-15T18:33:00.000+08:00

It was about 6 months ago, when I was transferred here. I have gazetted, and am now a full-fledged Specialist with a license to korek bijik mata orang… muahahahahahar!!! Ok ok… that was my version of Jangan Pandang Belakang.

I was glad that I was away from the hustle and bustle of KL. There is more room to breathe here. And of course, more time to do some self-reflections and yes, lotsa berangan-angan.

After so long, I have to admit that I have become a bit complacent. Pergi kerja lenggang kangkung. Punch card right at the dot of 8am and 5pm. Lunch hour till 2.30pm, sempat afternoon nap on Fridays. For a s...l...u...g...g....i.....s......h me, it was a bliss.

Little did I know, that peace of mind was abruptly disrupted when my boss got his transfer back to his hometown and yes, yours truly is the heiress next in line.

I do not mind the clinical work, even if that means catering for half of the population of Pahang and doing my two weekly visits to other districts which are at least an hour plus drive from here. But what really bogs me down is the administrative work.

I attended a budget seminar, then the medical advisory council meeting and today, a seminar on auditing. All that within a space of just a week. There are so many courses down the line, credentialing for my paramedics, visits to other hospitals, ISO9000, accreditation…….

Maaaannnnn. I did not slaughter myself for 10 years in med school to end up doing all these.

I am not a hospital administrator. Someone else should be doing all these non-clinical work. But being the Head of my unit, it is inevitable.

So today, I brought home stacks of files to go through so that I won’t look foolishly bewildered the next time someone mention ISO9000 etc.

The extra responsibilities only come with more liabilities, more hairs being pulled out, higher blood pressure and more wrinkles on my forehead.

My birthday is not till October, but I already feel like 40….. uurrrgghhhhh...

Head of department? Yeah right.... Off with the head!!!!

Dead Poet Society...

2007-06-10T11:13:00.000+08:00

I love poems. Someone sent me one. I do not want to lose it in haloscan, so this one is a keeper.

Melady Marina:

A gift for you.

Forgive me if this is too long, it is the only way I know to show repect and awe to thoughts of a friend in this intangible plane.

Seeing Blind

Hello,
I am new here,
I came from a land of the bewildered,
I have no friends nor lover.

Would you come closer to this tired traveler,
so that I can see you a little bit clearer,
please do not have no fear,
as I am a paralized blind from ear to ear,
a gift i got from me deeds in the coming years,
as a sentinel for devilish deers.

Now, now, do not be wary,
as a blind could never see,
therefore I could never pinch your little tootsy,
like what the demonic diety did to me,
so there is nothing for you to worry.

What is that you said in me hands you see?
that makes your head go weepity wee,
ahh, no, no, don't you go awry,
I'll tell you of the things I brought with me,
so you'll see a what a blind man sees.

A wand in my left and and a torch in me right hand,
is much appropriate for a blinded man,
one for shining the routes to thid land,
the other for telling an enemy from a friend.

A straight line crossed with a cresent on my neck,
a sign of me religous pack,
an order of sinning saints,
who seeks the pleasures of pain,
in hope one day I will again,
be a saintly sinner who preaches out pious blasmephemies,
making me an enemy of the blasphemous piety.

As for this coarse velvet that I wore,
I know it is an eye sore,
but it is a precious gift from me lady whore,
who reminds me we are whoring ladies,
who love to be barbaric gentlemen,
and kill gentlemen barbaricly.

Worry not child,
as i am blind as a blind could be,
and all I know is the darkness that in it you be,
it is the light that helps me see.

demonsinme

Dear poet,

Blindness is a state
Of unseeing
Of unknowing
Even when the eyes are wide opened…

Blinded heart
Hurts but doesn’t bleed
Laughs but cries in silence
Speaks but speechless

In the darkness sometimes
Lights playing tricks
Deceiving the foolish mind

I am just as blinded as you
Seeing miracles, I thought were true…

When the harsh of reality
Struck that chord of sanity
When things you see
Not what they supposed to be

Then I wish I am blind
May I have a peaceful mind

Blindness is a state
Of unseeing
Of unknowing
Perhaps, that’s the best thing…

Jalan-jalan (part 1)...

2007-06-09T06:36:00.000+08:00

Recently, I went to Kota Kinabalu to attend a Malaysia-Singapore conference. The registration was free, since I am a society member (no.. not Klu Klux Klan, okkkk….). The accommodation at Pacific Sutera Harbour was fully sponsored. I only had to pay for the MAS flight tickets (tak kuasa nak naik Air Asia). Economy class je la kan. Itu pun ambik yang supersaver.

But during the journey back, I was given a business class seat. Why??

1. Because I made a pitiful puppy-got-lost face

2. Because I threw a tantrum, golek2 on the airport floor, kicking and screaming and tarik2 rambut

3. Because I flirted with the captain and did the poco poco dance with him

4. Because I am pretty and irresistible

5. Because I am a doctor

6. Because I did a striptease in front of the ticketing male officer

7. Because economy class was full

8. As a courtesy to gomen officers like me

9. Because they were scared shit when I told them a very gruesome story on how I korek bijik mata orang

10. Because they just felt like it

11. Because I deserve it

12. Because I smell like a pussy

Please choose one of the above. If you know me, you’ll know which answer is correct…

Welcome home...

2007-06-08T19:37:00.000+08:00

Has it been that long? THAT long?

Almost 6 months. That’s half year. And many, many days.

My readers (the very few ones), are probably wondering...

Maybe I was abducted by the ‘ikan patin’ cult…

Maybe I got lost in the dense jungles of Pahang…

Maybe I decided to change my ways and live with the Orang asli...

Maybe I had lost ‘it’… you know…. ‘it’…

Maybe just plain lazy…

Maybe i couldn't be bothered anymore to share my mundane, insignificant life with anyone else...

No matter what excuse…

I have not forgotten my blog

As I read the archives,

is like being in a movie,

like flipping through the family album…

Where it all started, and when it all ended…

Familiar faces, familiar sounds, those smell, those smiles…

The heart aches, the victories…

Like... rujuk semula lepas cerai talak satu

Blog is like your home...

That home where you grew up in

Where your dried blood still stuck on the cement floor when you scratched your knee while trying to catch that stray cat with mak's freshly fried ikan bawal in his mouth...

Where your old cupboard, with your old clothes that mom refused to throw away because she didnt want you to grow up, still neatly folded...

Where behind the bed, is your pre-pubertal writings on the wall saying you had a crush on Michael J Fox during his Family Ties days...

That bed where you first dream a beautiful dream...

That dilapidated Raleigh bicycle that first taught you of independence and freedom...

That many things...

That tell you, you have lived...

I miss my home...

I miss my blog...

So, i am here again...

Home Is Where The Heart Is...

2006-12-16T21:09:00.000+08:00

In my 30 odd years of existence on the face of the earth, or to make it sound less dramatic, in my short career span of almost 10 years of serving the public (they dont call it public 'servant' for nothing y'know), I have worked at a few different places.

Big cities, small-almost-dead-town, far away from home, 10 minutes drive away from Mum's...

I have worked with and under different kinds of bosses, colleagues, support staff...

I became the physician, the surgeon, the butcher, the marriage counsellor, the sex therapist... I have cut, chopped, korek, lapah, circumcised, amputated...

Have worked with humans and non-humans (contoh: maggots....). U name it, i have done it.

I have slaved further thru another 4.5 more years to be where i am today. And all those blood, sweat, tears, money, trauma to the heart and soul.... was worth it. Every bit, every drop, every cent...

I wont deny that with further advancement in career will reap in more benefit such as increase in salary and allowances. But 'public servant tegar' like me would probably stay on and contribute to the beloved country and its people, till my service is no longer needed, rather than look for the greener pasteur out there ie. the private practice. But the future is none for us to predict kan....*wink wink*

Though my career did not take me to Europe, or Middle East, or even Southeast Asia, i did get a taste of a few different cultures and people of Malaysia. The urban Klites, the Orang Asli, the makcik and pakcik from kampungs in Kedah and Perak, the Datuk and Tan Sri...

After my 3.5 months rendezvous at the northern part of Malaysia (AS), right after passing my finals, i was transferred to Bandar T which is at the East Coast (hence my disappearance from the blogland).

At first i was skeptical and fuming. I was hoping to be sent to a big city like Melacca or Kuantan. After a decade in KL, i admit that i have become a city-gal. I would die-of-boredom-with-my-eyes-opened if I am to work at another dead town. AS nearly murdered my spirit.

Bandar T is a total alien to me. My first drive thru Karak was nerve-wrecking. I could see my knuckles turned white as i steered the car along the sharp bends. My heart was having arrythmia, dancing to the tunes of Paris Hilton (sedap pulak lagu dia ni.... she can actually sing????).

When i reached Bandar T, i drove thru the town. About 20 minutes later..... "Eh?? That was it??" No malls? No Watson?? No cinemas?? All i could see was Mini Market Rokiah.... Haiyoooo!!!!!

Yeah, it is a small town. But the hospital where i will be working at (the fifth one, just for the record) was a total contrast. It is bigger than the one i worked in before (later i found out, big in size but not in staff). It is a new hospital, fully equipped. I think di bawah RMK8 budget kut??

The Pengarah is very friendly. And he got 9 cats!!! (Dont ask me how i got to know about it). The support staffs are friendly too. I guess, everyone knows everyone over here.

My department has about 9 medical staff, and 4 non-medical support staff. I have only one MO under me. And another colleague, a Specialist, my new partner in crime. He is kinda nice too.

When i drove back to KL today to sit for my PTK exams on Tuesday, he smsed to say good luck and drive carefully. Awwwwwww.... my heart just warmed up.

See...... even small simple gestures like that can melt a girl's heart. But some guys are just too 'dungu' to notice and lack the initiative.

A signboard struck my attention.... Bandar T, Bandar Ikan Patin.... hmmmm. Ikan patin is my favourite fish, esp cooked with tempoyak. Slliiuurrrrpppp.... kembang all my salivary glands. Perhaps, that is a good sign.

I requested to stay at the hospital quarters. Prior to the move, a few people had told me about this hospital and its beautiful quarters. I was given the MO quarters since the Specialist quarters will be too big for me to stay there alone, according to the Pengarah.

At first i sulked. Hey.... since they are cutting my housing allowance and COLA, i should get what i deserve right??? Oh well...

The apartment is big. It has a master bedroom, 3 more other bedrooms, 4 bathroom, a big kitchen (probably 7 times bigger than the house in KL), 2 living areas, dining area, a store room, laundry area, lots of windows and its fully furnished too! Built-in cabinets, 2 sets of sofas, dining table for 8, king size bed, 4 other single beds, mattresses, pillows, tv cabinet.....

Maaannnn... and we are talking about the MO apartment here.

I was thrilled!! Anything bigger than this, would be a bungalow to me.

A new hospital,

friendly colleague and staff (no big boss to harrass me),

a comfortable, cheap, new apartment which is just a walking distance from workplace (can come home for lunch and prayers during lunch break),

bandar ikan patin (can get gulai tempoyak ikan patin from the hospital canteen everyday),

about 2 hrs drive from KL (can still come down to KL during sales or whenever i crave for Chillis),

a small, peaceful town, much less hectic than KL (ie less patients and workload)...

Everything is at a slower pace, just as I like it...

I think I am finally, home...

Passing By...

2006-11-20T14:23:00.000+08:00

It had been a month... yes, more than a month actually, since i last wrote.

I DID IT...

I PASSED...

After a gruelling 4.5 years.... i am now at another level higher than some counterparts.

I have progressed up another notch in my career.

I have achieved something that even i myself doubted in the very beginning.

I am jubilant... i am ecstatic... i am thankful...

I feel like on top of the world...

I have so much to tell, so many things to share.

Yet, all i can say...

Gembira.... tapi,

tak bahagia...

Forget-me-not...

2006-10-14T12:21:00.000+08:00

When desire turns to lust
When love turns to hatred
I forgive him…

When ego is bruised
When dignity is trampled
I do forgive him…

When good intentions are mocked
When self worth is burnt to ashes
I can forgive him…

When happiness is just a word
When respect never exist
I will forgive him...

When happy memories dissolve in the turbulent wind
When sacrifices are merely writings in the sand
When anger echoes like the thundering wave against rocks
I shall forgive him…

But how do I, ever

forget…

*******************************

I think i had been delusional.

Too optimistic in love.

I think i am not destined to love or be loved by another human.

Sometimes, parting is not as hurtful compared to the aftermath that you have to endure.

It really hurts when someone who once promised the world to you, turn against you, and backstab you with the most hurtful words imaginable.

Anger can change a man.

Love changes a woman.

A word can kill.

A sentence scars you for life...

Drama Minggu Ini...

2006-09-21T09:34:00.000+08:00

Scene 34, Take 3

(Suasana seperti di kafe, bunyi orang bersembang-sembang dan muzik latar lagu syahdu instrumental... Bach in C minor)

Z: I sedih la you nak tinggalkan I. Kita start sama-sama. Belajar drive to work sama-sama. Tapi you pulak habis dulu.

M: I pun sedih jugak. Banyak kenangan manis bersama. 4 tahun tu bukannya sekejap.

Z: I hope kita boleh grad sama-sama.

M: I think our graduation will be on the same day.

Z: U carilah boyfriend cepat. At least masa konvo nanti you dah ada someone special.

M: I dah malas. Dah patah hati.

(bunyi latar hujan rintik-rintik)

Z: Jangan la macam tu. Don’t give up.

M: Single kan senang. Tak banyak masalah nak fikir.

Z: Aisey… I takde sedara lelaki yang available la. Kalau tak, boleh I match make kan.

M: Thanks for your kind intentions. Kalau ada tu ada la. Kalau takde nak buat macam mana. Semua ni kan dah tertulis sejak azali.

(muzik latar bertambah syahdu – lagu Kenangan Yang Terindah by Samsons- memang takde kena mengena tapi lagu tu best)

Z: Jangan la macam tu. Find yourself a partner.

M: Mana la I nak cari Z. You nak cari sehelai baju anak pun punya la payah. Turun naik mall, nak kaler camni, nak pattern camtu. Lepas beli pun duk fikir lagi. Kalau I nak cari laki macam tu, orang kata I memilih sangat pulak.

Z: Hmmmm…. Tapi at least once a year kita kena attend conference and meet up like the good ole’ days. (nak tukar topik la tu)

M: Boleh. Cuma I takut semua bawak famili masing-masing. Lepas conference, semua sibuk berhibur dengan laki and anak-anak. I jugaaaaak yang tinggal terkulat-kulat sorang.

Z: Takkan la sampai macam tu sekali…

(I have heard all the sweet promises Z. I have heard them all. Sebelum kahwin, kaulah sahabat ku dunia akhirat, lepas kahwin, anak dah masuk 2 pun tak bagitahu. Family always come first, and I respect that. I hope you’re not like that though)

M: Huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa……

CUUTTTTT!!!!!!

Pain...

2006-09-21T09:17:00.000+08:00

It had been quite a while since I last wrote.

I had been too busy trying to complete my thesis and case reports, traveling from KL to up North almost every other week. The 6 hours journey on the bus was taxing, but had a lot of memories which will be blogged later (*that’s a promise*). Meetings with my Supervisor, correcting, printing, re-printing, errands at home, attending symposiums, workshops etc. took so much of my time and energy.

Last week that exertion really took a toll on my health. I was back to KL over the weekend to finally complete my thesis and submit to my Supervisor. I only had 5 hours of sleep within 2 days. I even corrected my case reports in the bus so as to save time.

Then attended a half day workshop, finished early but my friend asked me to accompany her to the mall. I just could not say no since she is one my best friends. So despite the headache and bodyache, I relented and we spent almost 2 hours going from one mall to another. When we got back, it was raining cats and dogs and we were both drenched. At home, I tried to catch some sleep but sis had a lot to talk about and we spent 2 hours chatting.

Aaaaahhhh… things that we do for people that matters.

By then it was time to travel back.

Slept throughout the journey, reached AS at the wee hours and managed to catch another hour of sleep. When I woke up, my whole body was aching, my ear hurt and I had a splitting headache. Paracetamol was my breakfast that morning…. and lunch….. and dinner.

The clinic was busy the whole day and I was on-call. Tried to swap with someone, but no one else was available. I already had 2 emergency operations scheduled that night and it was only 7pm. I was so stressed out and tired, I might be the one the anasthetist will be resuscitating in the OR instead of the patient. I prayed hard that the operations will be postponed till the next morning and the night will be a quite one.

I think God was kind to me. The operations were both postponed as they had a leaking aortic abdominal aneurysm (those of you who wanna know what AAA is.... no, not that Alcohol Anonymous thingie, google it) which will take all night, and I slept throughout the night without being disturbed. Even the ward was quiet without any complaints from the patients.

The next day the earache was worse, I had a fever, my head hurt, and my body was aching so bad I was practically dragging myself out of bed. Rushed to the ENT and voila! I had otitis media, a middle ear infection. Huh?? Where did that come from? But that explained my splitting headache. Perhaps from contaminated water that entered my ear during shower? Plus the stress that affected my immune system?

I was given the usual meds but that night the earache got so unbearable, I was crying in agony. Even worse than the migraines I usually had. The only painkiller I had was good ole’ Paracetamol. I was awake most of the night. When I fell asleep, I even dreamt that I was back to HUKM and was seeing my ENT colleagues there.

People say that you tend to dream about things that stress you out. But I just had a dream of making out with one of my exes last night… so how laaaa???? Maybe I was hallucinating with all those medications being pumped up into my system eh? Teehehehehe….

Anyways, back to the ENT I went the next day. They were surprised that I was back so soon. Probably thinking I was just looking for more mc, trying to get off work. But nope, my ear was more swollen than before. The Sofradex eardrop was just not working.

So my ear was cleaned by an instrument that was a minute version of a vacuum cleaner. Well, it sounded like one. It sucked out all the debris and almost my tympanic membrane too….. OOOOOOEEEEIIINNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!! Then an ear wick was stuffed into my ear so that the antibiotic stays within the canal. My left ear was totally blocked. I do feel like 'badak' for a while... as in 'pekak badak'.... geddit? geddit? Oh nevermind.....

That evening, the pain was more tolerable but I think it was with the help of Voltaren. It is a strong painkiller. Anything stronger than that would be DF118 or morphine usually given to cancer patients.

Actually, I am still in pain while typing this. Yeah the pain is coming. It is startinggggg. Ouuucch…. Oooowwww….. AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! The paaaiiinnnnnnn!!! The PAAAAAIIIIINNNNN!!!!

( I dunno why but suddenly the picture Fantasy Island came to mind, with Tatoo crying out... the planeeee.... the plaaannneeeeee!!!! Maybe they rhyme??)

The 30s Women...

2006-08-02T14:20:00.000+08:00

I got this e-mail from H, one of my best buddies. Thought i might share it with all of you out there. The best bit of course is saved till the last sentence... tee he he..

THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN.

This is for all you girls 30 years and over... and for those who are turning 30, and for those who are scared of moving into their 30's.
AND for guys who are scared of girls over 30!

This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes.

Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all.

Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it! She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.

For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire PIG, just to get a little sausage.

The Plight of The Eye Witch...

2006-07-21T12:38:00.000+08:00

I guess many of you are wondering how my life is like in AS, esp after the demise of my beloved Yibbe, and my emotional breakdown.

Err... perhaps not that many. To the few who actually follow the story of my life, i think i owe it to you to continue my ramblings.

It would have been easy to just stop blogging, but here is where i feel most safe and comfortable, be it from the PC of my bachelorhood pad in KL, at mum's, the office or the internet cafe.

Due to very limited access of the internet, i am unable to update as regularly and as much as i could.

I think just like felines, humans are very adaptive to the environment. After less than a month here, i guess i have adapted to a certain extent that i do not cry silently at night anymore.

I have turned the room into a comfortable place. I got almost everything i wanted, except internet. I finally managed to snatch a tv from mum's place. Even though that cost me another extra hour from my long drive from KL with a pit stop at mum's and back to AS all in one day. It is an old worn-down tv that might stop producing any pictures or sound anytime soon with the amount of tv i watch everyday. Well, at least i got to see Siti and Datuk K's press statement, perhaps her live wedding too eh?

I found my way around AS. Enough to cater for my basic needs... petrol station, supermarket, banks, eateries, fast food joints, internet cafes.... hey i even found Secret Recipe today. I guess it isn't that bad here. All i need is my car and curiosity.

Work is ok. The bosses are actually quite nice. Colleagues are nice too except one who is a big bully, as big as his size. I stood firm and did not give a damn even when he teased and made fun of me. It made my sadness over losing Yibbe more painful. But there was nothing i could do except to ignore him.

But these past few days, he was treating me better and with more respect. He even asked for my opinion on certain cases. Perhaps he had a change of mind. From what i heard, he was much worse before and always give others a hard time especially to the newcomers. No one was spared. Oh well, if you can't beat them, join them eh?

The supporting staff was also nice to me. They even asked me to stay longer than the 4 months that i am supposed to. Well, we'll just have to see.

Right now i am at the internet cafe. I wanted to look for the movie theatre, maybe catch Pirates of The Carribean. But as usual i got lost, went to another shopping complex instead. When i got out of the parking, i realised that the other shopping complex with the cinema was just next to the one which i went to. Ek ellleehhhh.... so i went back into the same parking place (the complex are adjoined and has the same car park). The young guy manning the car park looked at me curiously, he must be thinking that he was having deja vu when i passed by him again in less than 10 minutes. Tee..he..hee...

Alas i found the cinema, or what they call a cineplex. The word 'cikai' and 'kokak' has never had a better meaning. I bought a pirated VCD of Pirates of the Carribean instead.

Adeehhhhh.... is it August yettttt????

Missing you...

2006-07-08T17:47:00.000+08:00

On Tuesday, 4th of July 2006, at about 10.15am, Yibbe breathe his final breath.

As I just began my battle in this foreign land of heat and paddy fields, my beloved Yibbe finally had lost his own.

I was devastated. I felt like I have lost a piece of myself…

A week before I left to North, Yibbe showed some signs of improvement and both sis and me thought he was getting better. He was eating his food and biscuits. He looked alert when called.

He followed me to the door like the usual mornings when he would send me off to work. Previously as a morning routine, when he was healthier, he would accompany me out the door and walked by my side till I reach the car. Then he would walk back to the house, once I drove off.

On Saturday morning, he walked outside, actually staggered, due to his weak and thin body. He rolled on the cement floor and walked to me slowly when I called him. He could not see well, but he could smell me. He rubbed his nose against my legs. I let him out because he had been cooped up in the house far too long. My sis and I thought some sun and fresh air would do him some good. We never thought that it would be his last time to smell nature. His eyesight had long failed him.

On the next day before I left for AS, I took Yibbe to the vet, hoping that they could take better care of him while I am gone. I planned to come back in 2 weeks time for the course in KL. Hopefully he would be healthier and I could leave him at home with sis.

But Yibbe was not eating too well. My sis and I had to force feed him with the spoon. I was worried. But work was calling, and I had no choice.

The vets were wonderful. I have known a few quite well. They told me that Yibbe did not look too good, but they assured me that he would be taken good care of. Yibbe was clinging on to me. My arms and wrists were numbed from holding him.

Yibbe was a big cat and he still had some strength left despite of his thin, weak body. He was so thin that I could feel his every bones. He weighed 4.6kg when he was healthy, then 4kg after the Parvovirus infection. When we weighed him again, he was only 3.5kg. He lost 0.5kg just within a month, which was a bad sign. He was also very pale and dehydrated.

I left him with a very heavy heart. I kissed him goodbye, hugged him and put him in the cage. I left my kaftan with him, so that he would still feel at home. According to my sis, he held on to the kaftan, burying his face and nose into it, even to his very last moments.

I drove 500km that Sunday. Through 5 states. The journey that should take 5 hours, I managed at 4.5 hours, that including 4 stops, 2 for nature’s call, another 2 for gas…. where I was almost lost trying frantically to look for a gas station as the petrol indicator almost reached E.

It was my longest drive, and my fastest ever. I was doing 150km/hr almost all along the highway.

Dear God, please do not let me get a speeding ticket.

I was bawling my eyes out during the journey. Driving that fast with tears streaming down my cheeks, I know, was not a sane thing to do. But I was so worried of Yibbe and I was already missing him.

When I reached AS, I had to look for the hospital. I had to reach the office by 4 to arrange for my accommodation. I was only aided by the signboards. My friend who works there was in the OT, so she could not be reached.

I reached HAS for the first time. It is an old hospital, though a few blocks are new. It was a far cry from HUKM. I did not expect it to be anything near HUKM of course. But I was still shocked. I could not believe what I have gotten myself into.

I finally got a room at the houseman quarters. Then I decided to have a look at another room which was in a rented house, shared by some staff at the hospital. I thought i may need some human company so that i won't go insane. I opted for the houseman quarters as there was more privacy, cleaner and it was totally free.

Then I had to look for other stuff like mop, broom, small table, a book rack, toiletries etc. I was going round the town in circles. I finally settled down at nightfall. Cleaned up the room and made it as comfortable as possible.

It was so damned hot. It felt as if the fans (there were 2 fans, one is my table fan and another is the ceiling fan) were blowing hot air. I was exhausted but I had a hard time sleeping, probably because of the heat, or maybe the 4 cans of Nescafe I drank to keep me awake during the long drive, or maybe I was worrying and missing Yibbe. I slept on the floor around 2am, waking up a couple of times in between.

First day at work, I had another culture shock. Yeah, things are totally different. Gone were the days of fully air-conditioned workplace, clean toilets, good facilities, a variety of good food, etc. Here the people are more laid-back, the weather is hot, hot, hot, the toilets are… errr… not really clean. And for the first time I found a Hospital without its own canteen. Instead there is a ‘medan selera’ next to it that caters for both patients and medical staff. If I regard some eateries in KL are not hygienic, this is worse. And these places are well-known as typhoid area. But I can’t be eating on KFC and McDonalds alone can I?

That night, I had a call from the vet. Yibbe’s condition had worsened. He was very weak, very anaemic and he wanted me to prepare for the worst. Yibbe was not himself anymore. He refused to eat. He looked lost and depressed. And he was not responding to the medication. A blood transfusion was the last resort and I kept my fingers crossed.

I cried. And I cried hard. I was so sad and worried. I even called that someone and poured my heart out. If you read this, thank you for listening. It was a good thing I opted for that room, I was bawling my eyes out all night long. I did not need anyone to pry and ask too many questions.

I called my sis and told her the news in between sobs. I could not take leave on the next day as I had just reached AS. So I asked her to see Yibbe for the last time. So that he would not feel like we have abandoned him.

At first sis was reluctant. But she finally went the next morning. She even missed her class. She was the one who rescued Yibbe when he was a kitten, so she told me that she felt obligated to see him for the last time.

She called me at work, crying. Yibbe looked so ill. He was so pale and weak, much worse than the day I left him there. When she called him, he opened his mouth, trying to make a sound but couldn’t. The thing that saddened her most was when Yibbe tried to go towards her at the cage door. He recognized her voice but since he was so weak, he could not get up. Instead, he dragged his body till his nose touched my sister’s hands. Seeing that, my sis almost broke down.

And Yibbe was still holding on to my kaftan...

My sis and I were both crying on the phone. After discussing with the vet, we decided to end it all. No more medications, no more needles and drips. At first we thought of taking him home and letting him die peacefully at home. But he refused to eat or drink and that’ll make him suffer even more.

So, we decided to put him to sleep.

That was the hardest decision I have ever made. What frustrated me most was that I was unable to be there, to hold Yibbe for the last time, to hug him and kiss him goodbye. All my cats that had died, died naturally. This is the first time I had to put down a cat. And I felt so rotten inside.

I asked Abah, and he too agreed that we made the right decision for Yibbe.

Please dear God, forgive me…

I cried long and hard when I got home. Suddenly I felt so alone. I cried when I looked at his picture on my handphone. I cried when I saw his picture on my laptop. He was so cute and healthy back then. I cried as I wrote this.

He was not just a cat. He was our cat, our baby. Part of the family.

Yibbe…

it had been 4 days now,

and Mommy is missing you,

more than ever…

Money don't grow on trees...

2006-06-25T18:19:00.000+08:00

I was financially taken aback when Yibbe got sick. His hospital bills, his medication, special diet, his follow-up... was costing me a lot. But i didn't want to give up. Even though he is an animal, he is not JUST an animal. He makes me happy, so i owe him something. At least i can make his life happy towards the end. That is the least i could do.

I am moving up north come July. So need extra cash for the trip, the move etc.

A few conferences are coming up. I have to attend 3 local but major ones. That shall be costing me a lot too.... the trip back to KL, the registration fees and what not.

I shall not borrow from my parents. I think i have too much pride.

I will scrape through. Eat maggie if i have to. Cut down on my unnecessary expenses. Eat out less etc.

Let's not even mention the credit card payments...

As i ponder upon my financial woes, when i checked my account, i found a few extra grands in my bank, apart from the monthly salary. I was pleasantly surprised.

I think it was my backdated salary. I had just submitted my SKT forms and they have updated my tangga gaji.

The money came at the perfect time of need.

I am grateful. Helping out Yibbe was a good cause, and God has answered my prayers.

More Cats for Adoption...

2006-06-25T08:26:00.000+08:00

I found Chiko at the parking lot few weeks ago. He looks so much like CocoLee, i thought they could be from the same mother. He was thin, dirty and hungry. I noticed he was limping on one leg. I thought perhaps i could give him some food, then send him back where i found him.

So i fed him, then i put him outside the house. He sat at the door, waiting. I tried to shoo him away, he just sat there looking at me.

I let him in... again. This time, for good.

It always started off this way. One minute you didn't want the cat to go hungry, the next you just don't have the heart to let them go hungry for long. Like Misha, Memeng, Coco, Tamtam, Baby. I just have this soft spot for felines or other furry creatures. I mean, who else would cry her heart out watching National Geographic ehh??

I hope he finds a good home. Though he limps (i think he had a fractured or dislocated knee joint), he runs as fast when chasing after the toy mouse, and as playful as Coco and Tamtam.

Chiko on my sejadah. He looks excatly like CocoLee. I think he is about 4-5 months old.

See... But Coco's fur is more brown, hence the name Coco. But they look almost alike...

Coco and Chiko hitting off well together. My cats don't fight. Except Memeng who slaps all cats who comes near her, except Misha. If cats from different mommy can live under one roof together in harmony, why can't siblings from the same parents? Sad... isn't it?

Coco posing manja and Chiko was about to jump on the camera phone.

Chiko getting comfortable with the rest of the household. From upper left clockwise... Tamtam, Baby, CocoLee and Chiko.

Cats for Adoption...

2006-06-21T10:10:00.000+08:00

This post is not without a heavy heart...

I will be moving up north come July... then back to KL in November for my finals. Then in December i will be transferred to God-knows-where.

My sis will be holding on to the apartment as she is still commuting to Shah Alam to continue her studies. But it is unfair for her to look after the 11 cats alone.

Yeah, you didn't get me wrong.

ELEVEN...

I have 3 adult cats with one very sick, 2 six-months-old, 1 four-months-old (at least i think so), a mommy and her 4 barely-a-month-old kitties.

I am at wits end. I have asked my staff, my neighbours. I have pestered my parents to ask their cat-loving friends. I thought of sending them to SPCA but i know they'll put them down if at certain period of time, no one wanna take them home for adoption. It shall be my last resort.

This is my desperate attempt to find good homes for my kitties.

They are fun, loving creatures (apart from the occasional vandalism of furnitures and your legs). They brought me joy and happiness, when no humans could.

But i just cannot be their mommy anymore.

I need to take extra care for the ailing Yibbe.

Yibbe when he was still a picture of health.

Misha... 3 year-old. Healthy, fun, manja, can be fierce sometimes. Vaccinated, de-flead, de-wormed, neutered. Likes to sleep in high places.

Memeng... 3 year-old. Misha's best friend. Female. Vaccinated, de-flead, de-wormed, neutered. She is deaf. Loves the vacuum cleaner. She weighs a whopping 5.6kg. Loves to eat and sleep... takes after me actually.

Tamtam... 6 months old. Male. Vaccinated, de-wormed, de-flead. Loves to scratch my legs. Sleeps on sofa and anything soft and fluffy... that includes me. Extra ability - disappearing in the dark.

CocoLee. 6 months-old. Male. Vaccinated, de-wormed, de-flead. Very manja. Loves to lick my face in the morning to wake me up for Subuh. Tamtam's sparring partner. Like any macho stud, loves to scratch his balls like in this picture.

I have more pics of Baby and her 4 kitties, and Chiko our latest addition. But blogger dashboard is playing up.

Next entry then...

FeLV...

2006-06-17T06:11:00.000+08:00

It stands for Feline Leukaemic Virus. And that is what my darlin Yibbe has. No wonder he was still not well even after a week's course of antibiotics for the blood parasite from fleas infestation.

There is no cure for it. I was devastated when i heard the news. Have been crying day and night. I cry everytime i look at him. I felt so helpless. That is one of the worst feelings in the world... not being able to help your loved ones.

Between ferrying him to the vet, work and completing my thesis, i did not have much time for anything else.

Then i noted that he was bumping into things. Being an eye doctor, i was able to diagnose that Yibbe has bilateral uveitis, secondary to the FeLV.

He was going blind.

I was heartbroken.

Yesterday, i cradled him on my lap as i feed him. He ate from my hand. Then he put his paws on my chest and hid his head under my neck.

I just could not hold my tears...

Dazed...

2006-06-09T14:10:00.000+08:00

I am dazed and confused...

I shall be on-call 3 days in a row...

I will be the only Registrar left for the whole of my department, of the whole Hospital...

Everyone else will be in Singapore for the Asia-Pacific Congress...

I passed thru the crowded alley and saw wheelchairs with ED stamped behind the backrest...

It was supposed to mean Emergency Department...

But i kept thinking... Erectile Dysfunction...

Why? Oh why?????

The Mishas...

2006-05-31T21:43:00.000+08:00

This Misha Omar?

Or Misha my pus?

Nope…. Neither...

I am sure many have read about Perkahwinan Misyar recently.

After the uproar on the statement of janda gatal by one of the MALE minister in the Parliament, came another slap in the face to us women. It is not surprising that it came from another MALE, and a Professor for that matter.

It is no doubt that men are created with certain characteristics. They are hunters in nature, love sports and competitions, work well with tools and gadgets, and like to think of themselves as problem solvers. Even when the wife just need someone to listen to her woes, men tend to offer solutions, answers… even without being asked.

So, when perkahwinan misyar was suggested as a solution to reduce the number of singles, divorcees, jandas and to prevent illegal sexual excapades, I felt amused. It is so typical of men to try to solve, without analyzing the root of the problem first.

I thought the janda gatal thingy was the joke of the year, but this one deserves a standing ovation plus an Oscar.

Just because the Arabs do it, is it applicable in Malaysia? Just because Arabs don turbans and burqas, must we too?

It is said to be practiced among the rich Arab women. Do they know how difficult it is to get married in the Arab world? The dowry itself does not only rob a man of all his wealth, but his dignity and sanity too. So, the reason there are many single women over there is just simple math.

What make them think that us single women with good careers and financial independence would be craving for sex? So much so that we allow ourselves to be used and manipulated that way?

Women are unlike men. We do not think of sex like every 7 seconds. Men without sex for 2 days, become fidgety. A week, they act as if they should be awarded the Olympic gold medal. A month or during the wife confinement, they declare Armageddon.

Just ask the jandas… do they miss the sex part? How do they go about for years without a man in their lives? Their answers I can bet you would be… nope, we don’t miss what we don’t have…. Or… it was never satisfying in the first place. But of course, the perkahwinan misyar was suggested by the XY species, enough said.

As cited in the Holy Quran, the women are given 9 parts of lusts and only one part brain, while the men, 9 parts brain and 1 part lust. After they place 1 part on their ding-a-ling, 2 on their balls, and another 2 on their kepala lutut, it is no wonder nothing much is left between the 2 ears. What is hollow, remains hollow. *Pun very much intended.

The perkahwinan misyar requires that both party agree that the men will not be responsible for anything else other than nafkah batin or sex. Is that some kind of pre-nuptial agreement or perjanjian taklik?

So, what else should I include in the agreement? That there must be a regular schedule for sex… say 3 times a week? Or whenever I feel horny? Must I include… the various positions desired? Must i put it in clause that the big O must be reached and multiple ones too? What if the guy is a 3 minute or worse, 1 minute slam-bam-thank you-maam kinda guy? Can I divorce him if he does not fulfill the criteria? Suing the poor SOB is out of the question, as he does not worth a penny from the very beginning.

What makes men think that they can satisfy the women? Do they think that each one of them are godsend to us women? Then why women have to fake the big O? Most guys walk the talk, and talk cock. That’s what they do. They brag. The more they boast on their sexual prowess, or conquest, the more insecurities they try to hide.

We have heard so many wives complaining and bitching about the poor bedroom performance of their spouses. Why do these women stay on? To give the hubbies face or to prevent ego-destruction? Ever wonder why people create SpongeBob? Or why on occasions, the shower head looks tempting? Or why one can never look at cucumbers and carrots the same ever again?

Is this so-called agreement a money back guarantee thing? Perhaps a free 30 days trial or your money back? Then we can advertise it on Smart Shop between the Abdomizer and the Magic Blender ads.

What if there are kids in the picture? Will the husbands cuci tangan as much as they have cuci telur? Is that the kind of male role model they wanna potray to the kids? There are enough gender and domestic roles confusion among kids nowadays. Just look at the increasing trend of lelaki lembut, PLU or pengkid or whatever they call it.

What makes people think this perkahwinan misyar can reduce adultery? Just because someone is married, infidelities still happen, misyar or not.

All it does is legalise sex. That's it.

Polygamy sounds very daunting to the women. Why not make it sound more innocent, more tolerable, friendlier? Let's call it perkahwinan misyar.. eehh???

Do men think that single career women are a bunch of desperados? Just because we choose to be successful, must we be punished and judged?

Whenever I tell people that I am single, I always get the same remarks… Tu la memilih sangaattt… Hello? Do you simply pick a rotten apple in the supermarket just because it is the only one left? And who squeeze the tomatoes till they look mutilated? What’s wrong with being choosy? Life is full of choices. Choosing to choose or not, is a choice by itself.

Men always gleefully point out the fact of higher ratio of women compared to men. But look at the men we have left.

We have so many Mats out there. Mat Motor, Mat Rempit, Mat Rock, Mat Jiwang, Mat Dadah, Mat Gian, Mat Sotong, Mat Nyah, Mat Metro… just to name a few. After the introduction of perkahwinan misyar, I would like to add a few more… Mat Gigolo and Mat Dayus.

And to all the men who are clapping their hands in response to this issue, have you lost your baaaallllllssss?

One of the reasons why successful women remain single is because men feel intimidated by these powerhouse ladies. No way are they gonna woo these women. Well, at least these guys still have their egos checked. Otherwise men, just drooped your wrist and say...... aaaauuuuwwwwwwww!!!!

Women are smarter now. They know what is best for them. Certain standards are set. They want equally smart men or better. Someone whom they can have intelligent conversation with. Someone who can lead. Not someone who can only perform sex… (IF they can actually perform that is), nor someone who does nothing but dangles his dick till his misyar’s wife do the mating call.

So my dear Professor, rather than suggesting an easy way out like perkahwinan misyar, why not figure out ways to improve the quality of men??

And my advice to you guys out there, BUCK UP!

There are already many cases of irresponsible men and husbands. We have heard complaints of men not giving nafkah to ex-wife and the kids. Many wives are left alone digantung tak bertali. Perkahwinan misyar sadly, legalise this too.

I am not the best person to talk about relationships. I never had one that I am proud of. But I do know a thing or two about life.

Marriage is not the answer to everything. I may be naïve, but I believe marriage is to make someone happier, to make life more fulfilling. If it goes the other way round, then work hard to save it. And if all fails, leave.

Life without a man, is ain't that bad.

Friendships can be destroyed by the uncalled sudden urge of sexual lusts. Relationships based on sex, never lasts. Perkahwinan misyar or marriage based on sex, is, i believe, a lost cause.

I have had a few relationships before, which almost ended up at the altar. But I found myself trapped in misery. I realised that i was less misearable on my own. I ended them and so far, I have no regrets.

Mistakes are meant to be learnt. Whenever you fall, bounce back, get back to your feet, stronger and tougher. It is the ABC of survival. Failures make one stronger and wiser.

Just because I am still single in my 30s, it is not the end of the road for me. Just because I do not have a child of my own, that does not make me any less a woman.

I am not trying to be smug here, nor be obnoxiously arrogant, nor am I a feminist. I am just giving my 2 cents worth. It is my humble opinion, and it comes from the heart.

Ladies,

Be it the holy matrimony as witnessed by heavens, perkahwinan misyar, or a night of sexual rendezvous under the sheets, if a guy is not worth it, he is JUST NOT WORTH IT.

I rest my case…

NB: Just for extra reading...

Bidan Kucing...

2006-05-28T19:28:00.000+08:00

There was never a point in my life where I do not have cats. I am always surrounded by felines, ever since I could remember.

Me surrounded with felines...

Everyone in my family loves cats… except Mak who is not really into it, but sometimes do enjoy watching the kitties at play and help feed them.

The love of felines generate from Abah’s side of family. I think it is inherited. Arwah Atok used to feed his cats with rice and pounded ikan bilis or anchovies. His cats will sit around the lesung, just waiting for him to finish pounding the ikan bilis, which was soaked in warm water first, so that it’ll turn soft and easier to pound.

Mak We, Abah’s elder sister and her children also love cats. I remember her nursing a wounded cat with minyak gamat till the cat was fully healed, and the time she swore not to have anymore cats when one of the cats died. I heard a week later, she found a new stray and took it in.

The number of cats we had were so many, it would have made SPCA proud.

Abah always taught us never to harm any other God creatures, be it animals, insects, plants unless it cause harm to us. If we are nice to God’s living creatures, those creatures will pray for you. If you feed the cats, they will pray for your prosperity, and so far rezeki tak pernah putus in my family. I think it is something like sedekah.

A person who loves animals, or any living creatures, I believe is someone who is loving and lovable. Only a kind heart would have a space for loving something that may be insignificant to others, like a cat.

Apart from playing midwife delivering human babies, and I had my share aplenty, I had countless time helped delivered many kitties. Helped pulled it out from mommy, helped massage the little creature till it breathed well as mommy was too tired, helped calmed down the anxious mommy… etc.

But when Baby, my female pus decided to give birth, it was so unexpected. I was unaware and unprepared.

Baby... preggie with pink and huge tits..

I remember her lying next to me in bed, like she always does. I was exhausted and went to sleep early as I had been having from bad to worse shitty days these past week. When I woke in the middle of the night, I saw her face directly in front of me, with her head lying on my elbow. Her face looked different, but I was too tired and drifted back to sleep.

When I woke up at the wee hour for subuh prayers, I heard the sound of small kitties meowing. I thought I was still in a limbo, between conciousness and deep REM sleep. I must be dreamin’, I thought… till I saw tiny pointed ears wriggling between Baby and the stained bolster.

Yeah, Baby gave birth right next to me… in my bed!!.

Her liquor was all over my kaftan and the bedsheet. She looked fine… and I saw 2 tiny, mouse like kittens sucking on her bosoms. Baby became a proud mama. And I was a proud Grandmama. Thank God.. there were only 2. They were born on 27.5.2006 somewhere between 2 – 5am. But I noticed Baby’s tummy was still big… ‘perhaps there are still more to come?’

Baby... the beaming momma!! And her 2 kitties... I think i know the father..

I waited… but there were no signs of anymore babies the whole day.

And boy was I wrong. Last night, I saw drops of blood on the floor. "Darah nifas kut"… I hope it was not infection, or delayed haemorrhage or anything like that. Baby’s tummy has flattened! Hmmmm…

Surprise… surprise… When I checked the kittens… I thought I saw a yellow head bobbing between the other 2 black heads. Aaaahhhh…. 3 kittens. I am proud of you Baby….

Oh…oh wait a minute… another head!! So the last head count was 4!!

Baby loves her newborns and takes very good care of them...

How can i call her baby when she has babies of her own ehh??

The black tompok-tompok ones. Aaawwwww..... How can you not melt??

Look at that pink nose!!!

Aaaaawwwwwwwww......

I put mommy and kitties in an old drawer, covered with old newspaper and my liquor-stained kaftan. I had to hide the kitties under my bed. Yesterday, i found CocoLee inside the drawer, 'playing' with the newborn. He was playfully biting and hitting the poor tiny tots as if they were that mouse toy i bought from Pet Wonderland.

I have 10 cats now…

I dunno why suddenly I have the urge to scratch myself, and them cat biscuits look delicious….

Meeeoooowwwwwww!!!!!...

Sad...

2006-05-25T21:23:00.000+08:00

I am so sad.

Bawling my eyes out.

I have never felt so humiliated in my life before.

I was so angry, my fingers were trembling.

How can a person be so nice, then become so vicious and cruel just at a blink of an eye?

How can i be so foolish?

How can i let him make me feel this way?

I am angry.

No... not angry, I am sad.

So sad....

Bad Day...

2006-05-25T14:33:00.000+08:00

A lot of things have happened these past few days. Work had been hectic, in fact killing me, almost. Was on-call for 2 consecutive days. Monday was busy… as I was the only senior around, running my own clinic and managing cases in casualty.

Yibbe my darling cat had been sick the last couple of days. He was pale, lost his appetite, depressed. On Sunday, I noticed he was staring blankly at his water bowl, but at that time the vet has closed. I was praying hard that he will last the night. I almost cried seeing him like that. How could I have been so ignorant? He survived that Parvovirus attack last year. But I am sure that would have affected his immune status. Can he survive this one? Whatever bug that has attacked him, was almost winning the battle.

After work, I rushed to the vet. It was blood parasite, from the fleas. I remembered spraying all the cats with anti-flea. How can he have any fleas? He has stopped roaming after the spay.

The vet took a peripheral blood film, and diagnosed the blood parasite. I think a few vets recognized me as I regularly bring my cats there for vaccinations and stuff, cat food etc. The last time I brought Yibbe, the vet asked me what I do. I told them, I am a human doctor but veterinarian was previously one of the choices for my future career. That brought smiles to everyone there.

The vet prescribed some medicine, but looking at Yibbe’s condition, I requested for him to be admitted, to start intravenous fluids, intravenous antibiotics, and to do more blood tests. Actually not requested, but demanded. I can be a difficult mommy sometimes.

Tuesday was even worse. I was missing my poor Yibbe, and worrying about him. I was on-call and the day was worse than Monday. An emergency case of a globe rupture came in. It needed surgery, and I anticipated a long one.

We finally managed to get anaesthesia at 11pm… the wound was very extensive. Took me 4 bloody hours, and that was with the help of my Specialist whom even with a young baby, agreed to come over at the wee hours to help out. God bless her for that.

I was sleepy and all pumped out. The tiredness from yesterday, and piles of work during the day, was taking its toll. But as doctors, we are supposed to serve. No matter what. We are not supposed to get tired, or get angry, or get sleepy. Patients are always the priority.

We finished at 3am… it was too late for me to drive home, and dangerous too. Anything can happen at the parking area, or on the way home. A colleague had her car rear hit by another at 11.30pm. What if it was a planned robbery? What if she got raped? Furthermore, at that hour, there won’t be any more parking space left at my apartment. But do people know about the hardship and the problems us medical personnel face, in order to serve the public? Nope, and they do not bother to know. We are supposed to shut up, face the harsh reality. The word money, or better salary, or better perks must never surface or we will sound materialistic and an ungrateful bunch.

I slept in the on-call room. Hardly slept anyway. Woke up at 6.30am… did my subuh, and drove home. Then back to work, rounds, more work. Luckily, afternoon was less hectic. I was not on-call, but the juniors did not spare me of course. I helped as much as I could, but I was groggy, my head was heavy, and I had raccoon eyes.

Yibbe can finally go home. So went to pick him up. Driving in my state was dangerous, and I was fighting to keep awake. But do I have any choice? Have to manage everything myself as usual.

Reached home at almost 4pm. I zonked out. I slept like a log, with Yibbe lying next to me. And all the other cats joined me in my bed. The air-cond was at full blast. The bed and pillows were so comforting. Woke up at 6pm. Damn… I missed my massage appointment. Had to reschedule. Went back to sleep…. Woke up at 10pm. Missed maghrib!! And missed half of American idol!! Dammmnnnn!!!! I was really, really looking forward to watch the finale. Only managed to watch the last half. I think Taylor aced it, but the soul patrol thing was irritating. Kat is as always, had the wrong songs except one.

Was online reading some blogs and discovered a shocking news about someone. Unable to get it off my mind, drifted to sleep with bad thoughts.

Today, I was hoping for a better day. The week is almost over. Yibbe looks better though not completely cured. Sis has gone back to hometown since Monday, so I had to tend to all the cats, healthy and sick.

Unfortunately, all my positive outlooks crashed to ground zero. Had a complication during operation. Though it was manageable and the harm was not that serious, I still felt like a shithead! Even Boss was ok with it.

“Don’t worry, it was part of the learning curve. Hey, at least it happened when I am around”

He was reassuring me, but I still felt bad. Too hard on myself perhaps?

And then the endless sms’es from that someone. I was simply pointing out a fact which may or may not be true. But he turned defensive and all riled up. Bullshit, gila bodoh, padan muka, patut la selalu kena tipu… yeah, those were his exact words. I was indeed stupid and crazy for falling for a man like that.

Then other Boss was complaining because I did not help him out in his clinic. He was creating so much havoc that even Ex-Boss knew about it. He had only 8 patients, and even that, only 4 turned up. FOUR F******G PATIENTS!!!!! What did he need me for?

The last time I helped him, he left me halfway, going off at 10.30am, and I was there till waaayyy past lunch hour sorting out his patients, and i am not even directly under his team. I knew he was pissed because he wanted to leave early, to cater for his own private clinic, in which he is earning much more than this stunted government hospital. Thank god, I am leaving this center soon. Tired with all the bureucracies.

I am pissed, i am knackered , my spirit is at the lowest of the low, and i could hear Daniel Powter crooning the song Bad Day in the background.

Sometimes the system goes on the bling

And the whole thing turns out wrong

You might not make it back and you know

That you could be well oh that strong

And I'm not wrong

Because you had a bad day

You're taking one down

You sing a sad song just to turn it around

You say you don't know

You tell me don't lie

You work at a smile and you go for a ride

You had a bad day

The camera don't lie

You're coming back down and you really don't mind

You had a bad day

YOU HAD A BAD DAY!!!!!

Manicure...

2006-05-20T07:46:00.000+08:00

I went for a manicure yesterday with sis. La Mer Spa Manicure at KL Hilton.

I had to rush home from work. Class was scheduled at the last minute. A Consultant from Egypt came to be the external Examiner for the Masters exams and gave us a few talks. I think i dozed off in between. What with the dark room, the blazing air-cond and the full tummy. Yaaaaawwwnnnn.... But his talk was very informative. It was just me who had attention span deficit.

Picked up sis at home. Did not even have time for tea and mingle around. Took the sardine-packed LRT.... Star and Putra to KL Sentral. That's the best option considering the traffic crawl at that hour. We arrived almost 30 minutes late. So, our manicure session was cut short. Bummer!!!!

But it was nice... having someone to massage your tired fingers, scrub the skin, polish the nails... warm tea, soothing music .... and a door gift which was a facial scrub. Woohoooooo!!!

My nails are shining and my hands soft, smooth and supple.

Debabnyaaaaa tangan...

Berkilat!! Tak pakai Cutex or whatsoever...

And it was all FREEE!!!! Can't wait for the facial session pulak.

We also asked lots and lots of questions regarding the product. The products are quite pricey, but i guess after some calculations, more or less about the same as other products like SKII, Dermalogica etc. But i love the moisturiser.... a simply must-try! I mean where can you find a product that moisturise, balance the oil, even the skin tone, reduce signs of ageing... all in one kan?

The "miracle" moisturiser.

The range of products.

AAAAHHHHH... Thank you for life little indulgences :)

Phacoemulsification...

2006-05-19T06:16:00.000+08:00

This entry is a short one. Something of self-indulgence, self-motivation and a mark of career milestone.

I was very happy with myself yesterday. Was beaming from ear to ear. It was a sweet achievement. I made a bit of progress in my career and training.

I was surprised that i could do it at the first try. Maybe not the whole process, but a crucial one. Even Boss complimented. "Not bad for a first timer eh??". I guess sometimes, i underestimate myself.

I did grooving and a bit of phacoemulsification. That is the latest technique in cataract surgery. I felt proud of myself.... which does not come often. Hehehehe...

And due to moments like this, the passion for achieving greater success, keeps on burning.

Aminnnn...

Seven...

2006-05-17T05:39:00.000+08:00

Remember that gory movie Seven acted by Bradd Pitt... where he was a cop and had to track down a serial killer? And in the end the killer killed his wife and left her head in a box and delivered it to him?

Nope... this has nothing to do with that!

I have been tagged!!!! After more than a year blogging, this is the first time ever that i was tagged!! Thanks to Id... a fellow blogger *wide grin*

7 things to do before I die

1. Perform Hajj
2. Buy a house... with half wooden, half brick walls, terracota porch and koi pond.
3. See other parts of the world... like Europe
4. Pay all my debts…. I managed to cut down my credit cards from 5 to 2… yippe!!
5. Learn how to swim... too shy to wear swimsuit, how??
6. Salji… nak tengok, nak genggam salji, pastu buat ais kepal… letak sirap and susu, pastu ssslluurrrppppp… pastu nak baling kat orang (no Bukit Cerakah won’t do)
7. Have a child

7 things I cannot and will NOT do....

1. Hurt Mak and Abah
2. Menyusahkan orang lain
3. Not be a doctor
4. Berhutang sana-sini
5. Yell at people
6. Mope around in self-pity
7. Pose naked in Playboy magazine… teehehehe..

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex...

1. Intelligence
2. Sense of humour… but not that Senario kind of humour la
3. Good personality
4. Responsible and respectful... of himself and others around him
5. Adventurous… and I am not just referring to the outdoors *wink wink*
6. Humble…. After all, kita semua asal dari kampung kan? I prefer those whom no matter how high their position in the corporate ladder, or how much euros they are making, still love tempoyak and sambal belacan..
7. Nice body... for me to hug.. *sheepish smile*

7 things I can't stand in others

1. Ketiak masam…. A TOTAL turn-off!
2. Ciggerette smoke… nicotine drives me nuts
3. Pengotor… eewwwww!!! * if you wanna know whether a person is pengotor or not, have a visit to their bathrooms and toilets.. Kalau bersih, then orang tu pembersih…*
4. Hypocrites… No.. bukan sepupu Hippocrates tu…Yang sickeningly sweet depan you, yet back-stab you from behind eenggg…enggg…engggg (sound-effect dari thriller cerita Psycho)
5. People who don’t flush!! These people should be banned from public toilets!!
6. Pandai bermulut manis / gives sugary talks…. Mulut kata I love you, tapi showed I don’t give a damn attitude!
7. Show-off!.... yang eksyen entah hape-hape. Suka puji diri sendiri, takbur, lepas tu memperlekehkan orng lain… eeiii.. benci benciiii!!!

7 things I say more often than others..

1. Thanks…
2. Huh?
3. Oohh.. ye ke?
4. Astaga…
5. Ek eleehhh…
6. Cehhh…
7. Alhamdulillah…

7 celebrities I have/had crushes on

1. Michael J foxx. … masa zaman Family Ties… told you I love guys with sense of humour
2. Rano Karno… masa zaman kegemilangan cite Indonesia kat tv
3. Johnny Depp… sejak zaman 21 jump street lagi tauuuu…
4. Bradd Pitt…. *Drrroolllll…*
5. Keanu Reeves… dalam cite Speed and Matrix je
6. Mamat dalam cite Smallville tu… apa namanya ekk?

Dan banyak lagi la… mana cukup 7 je…

Do i have to tag 7 more people? Dunno la nak tag sape. Not many people read my blog. Well, whoever nak tag him/herself... you are most welcome to do so.

HAPPY TAGGING!!

Boxing Day...

2006-05-14T16:16:00.000+08:00

I know I should be writing about the Jalan Kuchai Lama scam, but what the heck. It’s my blog and I can write whatever I want, whenever I want. Kapishhh??

I never liked boxing. As much as I hated the WWF or any form of moronic brutality, ridiculously planned and staged barbaric form of physical abuse (did I just describe the WWF?). Look what happened to Mohamad Ali from all those punches… he developed Parkinson.

But I am not talking about that type of boxing, nor am I referring to that square thing you tear apart on Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions, or during those desperate attempts to reconcile with your dearly beloved after comitting a major, major blunder, like when she discovered the hotel bills and room service bills *wink wink to Id*….. hehehehehe!.

Nope… not that one.

I am talking about something nice and soft. Something very light, that tingles your skin. Something that makes you feel secure, that protects your dignity. Something that clings to your body, hugging your flesh.

Something I just discovered, that I fell in love with.

Boxers…

Some people sleep in their undies, be it boxers, briefs or panties for the ladies. Some perefer pyjamas, shorts, or sexy lingerie.

It is said that the nightly uniform for Malaysian women would be the kaftan or what I like to call baju kelawar. Very airy, and cooling. It can also be used to seduce the guys especially if worn without the undergarments. Just flap the wings, expose some flesh especially that boobies area, and WALLA!!

I have a whole collection of kaftans… Malaysian made, Indonesian imported, winged ones, those with sleeves and without, batik prints, geometric prints etc. My cats are not seduced by them, except maybe Baby who likes to push her nose and sometimes paws between my bare, exposed armpit. I think she’s addicted to my smell.

Some wears the kain pelikat, or kain sarung batik.

Kain pelikat goes beyond ethnicity, I can tell you that. I remember my parents' front Chinese neighbour whom every morning without fail will be out unlocking his front gate, clad only in a kain pelikat, hair still messed up and if you get close enough, can view his ayaq lioq basi.

Kain pelikat is also good for men fertility. The cool air helps in producing healthy sperms. Scientifically proven.

Having said that, I would not recommend wearing kain pelikat at the parents house especially the newly-weds in case of sudden subconscious appearance of a hard-on. Singing Negaraku with that pole sticking out, I assure you, is a bad morning entertainment for the in-laws.

But having a sister who lives with me, and sometimes sleep in the same room with me, kaftan is not such a good idea. I do my salsa during sleep. The pillows will be strewn everywhere. My cats already learnt how to duck. I almost suffocated Tamtam once. And the kaftan will also fly above, and beyond…. if you know what I mean.

Therefore I resort to t-shirts and shorts whenever she's around. And when I saw that Hush Puppies boxers on sale, I decided to buy two. I mean they look like shorts. And it wasn’t that embarrassing for a woman to buy boxers, compared to the skimpy briefs for men. I am sure people would be thinking I was buying them for my hubby.

They felt like shorts… and even better!!! I liked it so much, I bought another 5 to complete my whole collection for an entire week. So I have one each for Monday till Sundays, just like those panties embroidered with days of the week.

Now I can salsa all I want at night, and not worry.

On the other hand, despite the comforts of all that, i still love sleeping in my own skin anytime.... Au naturalle!!

Happy Boxing everyone!!

Lost In Translation...

2006-05-07T08:03:00.000+08:00

Malu bertanya, sesat jalan…

If you are too shy to ask for the way, you’re bound to get lost…

It happens to both us men and women. Only men do not admit it, due to their ego thang… if ya’ll know what I mean.

As for me, getting lost in KL, is as common as the flash flood forays in the Klang valley, or the motorcyclist zooming across the red traffic light, or me getting crushed in relationships (teehehehe… sempat lagi selit kisah cinta).

This is my re-enactment of self-exaggerated drama of a woman, lost in the maze of concrete jungles, never-ending highways, motorists hooligans, confusing signboards and her own insecurities.

Yesterday, I had to go to Jalan Kuchai Lama. Need to return some goods and get my refunds. I drove there once before, almost 2 months ago. Weekdays were too hectic, and Sunday is when most shops are closed including the one I was planning to go to. So Saturday was my only option. I remembered it was not too far from my place, a mere 15 minutes drive away. Of course then, I had someone to show me the direction.

I recalled the route vaguely. Get into the highway, pass thru a toll, turn to the right at a junction somewhere and that row of shops were on a sloping hill.

So I reached a highway, but got into the wrong junction, the toll was on the opposite side. Is that the correct toll plaza? Had to make a U turn somewhere in Kg. Salak Selatan…. Ehhh… suddenly the toll disappeared and I was on this long stretch of highway with cars speeding past by me as if practicing for the F1.

Ok…ok… need to make a U turn somewhere and go back to where I started….
Damn…. This road is endless….
Uhh…ohhh… a U turn… yeay!!

Got honked during the process of changing lanes….

Sorryyyyy… a lost lady commmmming through, make way…make waaaaay…. (Can I say the exact words during sex? Hehehehe…)

Toot…Toottttt…
OOiitttt!!!!… There are like 4 lanes on this road why do u have to use the one I am on… and stop hooting meeee!!! I gave you the signal, didn’t you see it??

Breathe in and out…. Ok ok… managed to make the U turn…
Where the hell is this heading to?? Tried to read the signboard while doing 8okm/hr… being short sighted didn’t help at all…
Cheras…. Yessss!!!!

Shiiittttt!!!! Missed the junction…

Ok… do not panic… find a road that’s familiar….. hmmm… Pusat Bandaraya, Cyberjaya, Putrajaya… aiyoooo mana nak pegi neeeiiii????
Sungai Besi… Seremban…. Istana Negara.... Should i? Should i?
Loke Yew…. Alaaaaas!!!!!! That’s a road I am familiar with…

Ok…(while trying to figure out where I went wrong just now)… Jalan Loke Yew….traffic light… da..di..dum…

JALAN KUCHINGGGGG???? I know Jalan Kuching but I was on the opposite direction, driving away from my place … WTF??…. Mana pulak nak pusing balik neeeiiiii??? Adooiiiiii….Lost again!!!

Should I go to Dataran Merdeka? There’s a roundabout there….
Oh man… this road is straight on…. Have no choice… got into exit to Jalan Sultan Ismail….

Tried to read every signboards yang terpacak along the way… KLCC… should I go towards KLCC? Jalan Ampang…. Adeehhhh…. ( I was already an hour on the road)

Ahhh... Jalan Bukit Bintang… I am familiar with that one… drive…drive…

Shitttttt!!!

Miss the junction!!!! ^&*^&%^$$...

Jalan Tun Perak?? Where the hell is that??
Ok…Ok… just follow the flow first. Thank God Saturday traffic was not too bad….

Jalan Hang Tuah… Aahhhh maybe I should follow the monorail… Jalan Pudu….

Yessss…. Finally found the road back home.

Back to starting point…. Contemplating… maybe I should get a cab to show me the way? But some taxi drivers may not know the way, and some may even purposely use a longer route so that they could charge passengers more…

But but… it looked so easy the first time I went. Ok… call someone…
Unfortunately, although being a Klite, the person whom I called did not know the route either. Can’t blame him though. Guys do not read maps. Period.

Ok… second try… need to fill some petrol just in case. The fuel indicator of my car had gone haywire since a few months back, typical of Proton laaa kan? First the sunscreen at the back jammed, then the passenger’s window, then the fuel indicator… I am definitely buying a Honda after this!! After that hour long drive… pretty sure a quarter of the tank is empty and I hadn’t a clue how much was left before.

As the saying goes…. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again…

Tried I did and I ended up back at Sungai Besi highway… I’ll be dammned!!! At that time I was changing lanes like a lunatic. A van refused to give way, I glared and almost, almoosssttt showed him my pinkie.. (yeah, I do not use the middle finger…. I am polite maahhh).

At that time, I felt like I had tawaf KL few times round, and I was going in circles!! Then that damn Jalan Kuching again…. But this time I was a bit smarter…. A bit laaa kan…Once bitten twice shy kata orang. I remembered a roundabout just before exiting to Jalan Duta. Back to Cheras again. It was almost 12…. My back hurt, not because of the 2 hours of driving but the feeling of being lost, helplessness, frustrations… (Macam wife yang tak dapat orgasm while the husband is snoring next to her with a big grin…. Contoh je laaaaa kan? Ehekss...)

Breathe in…. breathe out…. So what to do next? Try again? Go on another day with someone? Get a taxi driver to show the way? Lantak la dia nak charge berapa pun….

I am not a quitter… I am not a quitter…( those words kept echoing in my head)….
Ok… one last try….. Tawakkal neeii….
Well, for consolation, at least now I know which route NOT to take. A simple trial and error ( macam nak cari teman hidup la jugak kan? ).

Ok.. into the highway… at a junction, I went up instead as the other lane didn’t lead me anywhere. Toll… AAAGGHHHHH!!! I almost screamed in ecstasy (ini bukan cerita porn ye, Idham *wink*), dan dengan megahnya tertera… Jalan Kuchai Lama…. I felt like getting out of the car and kiss the signboard!! Literary!

And it did only took me 15 minutes. Although I missed another junction and ended up at some cowboy town, I managed to get to the Kuchai Lama Business Centre.

I was looking for Jalan 1/114…. Eh yang ni 1/247??? Mana pulak nak cari ni. I stopped at the gas station and asked the way…. Hmmm.. almost there..

And after another U turn, and 2.5 hours on the road, I finally reached my destination (another half hour, i would have reached my hometown in Perak!! Adeehhh..)

I laughed when I recalled the event yesterday. Perhaps it would have been easier if i had asked the way before i even begin my quest. I dunno how to translate it. Maybe my ego has turned into one of a man’s. Malas nak tanya, pakai redah aje… Maybe it was my sense of independence. Asking help from others demonstrates a form of weakness, which actually translate into my own insecurities.

Well, I guess life is like that. You are bound to get lost once in a while. And when you don’t have anyone to turn to, or any means to help you in your predicament, just follow your instinct and listen to your mind. You won’t get lost forever.

As for me, I learnt a big lesson too…..

NEED TO GET THAT DAAARRNN MAAAAPPPP!!!!!

Next entry: The Jalan Kuchai Lama scam...

Heart of Steel...

2006-04-30T06:15:00.000+08:00

It had been almost a month since the break-up and I am slowly recuperating. I guess my tears have all dried up, and the heartache does not hurt that bad anymore.

I no longer have his number. Although I have deleted it a couple of times whenever he pissed me off, I still saved it, hidden somewhere in my phone, like Inbox, Outbox, old messages, so that I could retrieve it whenever I felt like missing him. Not anymore. I also do not memorize the number so that the memories do not linger on. I used to hope that it was him, whenever my phone beeped indicating sms or when the phone rang. And I was disappointed time and again. Now I just could not be bothered.

Have I turned into a woman of steel? A woman without feelings? Without passion? Without love? Maybe. To me it is an act of survival. It is a cruel, unforgiving world out there.

I am now starting to build that fort around me, which I let crumble not too long ago. The fort which was my blanket of security, my barrier of all things bad, my barricade against the oh-too-familiar pains and hurts. I am slowly building it back, this time bigger and stronger, like the Great Wall of China which is so big, you can see it from space. Mine will be even bigger, so that you can see it from heavens.

All I wanted is a simple man, to lead a simple life with me. I don’t need big bungalows, or fancy cars, or expensive jewelleries, or high-class dinners, or exclusives clubs, or Europe vacation. I am a simple woman, who does not even know what escargot mean, who still cannot figure out why u need so many forks and spoons just for a meal, and who pronounce Carrefour as care-four instead of kah-foo.

All the simple man need to do is to make me happy. It does not take much to make me happy. A clean house makes me happy. A good meal makes me happy. As long as I feel loved, respected and appreciated, I am happy. But that was still too much for a man to give.

I want to think of myself as a survivor. Perhaps not in Panama, or the Virgin islands, clad only in shorts and bikinis, surrounded by nasty, backstabbing people who won’t bat an eyelid in killing me in my sleep whenever they get the chance. No, not like that. But I have survived living alone.

I managed when the house flooded because of the leaking sink. I survived a major car overhaul (the engine was so hot, it could have burnt me alive anytime). I remembered driving myself to the pharmacy to buy meds and air kelapa muda, albeit blisters and all, when I was down with chicken pox. My body ached so much, I was almost on all fours when I had to go pee. I had been through disastrous relationships before. I survived a car accident without Abah holding my hands. I survived failure in exams, which was my first time ever. I was crying alone when Yibbe, my darling cat was sick and almost died. I managed to sort out in court, when I was duped with a business scam costing me thousands of ringgit. I survived all those.

And I braved them all… alone.

Perhaps I could find him in Tesco (right Bergen sir?). But there is no Tesco at where I live. Just a supermarket called Hero. Maybe I could find my hero there? Yes? Or maybe Jayajusco. That’s near, minus the jam.

Perhaps, I am meant to be alone in this world. And that soul-mate I still foolishly believe exist, is waiting for me there, amongst the skies. Perhaps it was already written in the books.

I shall not cry. Maybe I should morph into a man instead. Body of a woman, yet mind and soul of a man. Hey, I don’t want a sex change. I love my anatomy the way it is.

Men seemed to be more heartless, have i-don’t-give-a-damn attitude. They don’t bother about matters of the heart. Breaking up is easy, like swatting a fly. Footballs, fast cars and sex are their only indulgence. Mushy stuff ain’t gettin’ me nowhere. Tears are only for the sissies.

Maybe I should have the heart of steel.

Perhaps I could be Superman…

Goodbye My Lover...

2006-04-23T11:24:00.000+08:00

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the mother of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Coco Lee

2006-04-12T21:18:00.000+08:00

About a month or two after we found Tamtam, I saw Coco lost, crying his lungs out in front of my neighbour's door. I gave him some food, then left for work. Thought of taking him in, but i have 5 already!!! But knowing the kids nearby my house are all cat-killas, my sis (as usual) rescued the kitten and took him in.

When i got home, he was asleep, all cleaned up as my sis had bathed him, and well fed. He had that doeful look.... tak sampai hati laaaaa. So, we welcomed him to our almost very crowded abode.

At first we thought Coco was a female. And as his fur is brown, like cocoa, we ( actually me ) named him after the famous Taiwanese singer, Coco Lee. When he grew bigger, his bonbon grew bigger too.... laaaaa jantan rupanya. Patutla main kasar. Like Tamtam, he plays around with all 10 claws spread wide!!

Mommy, come play with me!!

( Now tell me how can you resist that look?)

Coco and Tamtam at my mum's place...

Do you guys notice? Coco's whiskers had been cut short by an unknown animal-hater!!

Other than me, Coco also took Baby as his surrogate mother...

Tamtam

2006-04-12T20:56:00.000+08:00

I have 6 cats now. Not three.... not four... but sixxxxxxxx!!!!

I have written about Tamtam in my previous post. I wanted to call him King Kong initially but my sister and i agreed with Tamtam. Yeah, like in 'yennadeeiiitambeeiii' kinda hitam.

He is full of mischief. Quite well built. Boroi because he eats a lot. Playing with him is a painful ordeal, as he bare out all of his claws, including from the toes. My hands and feet are always full of scratches whenever i play with him.

Mommy, mommy, can you see me? Can you? Can you? Can you???

Mommy... look! Look!! I found a new friend. It is as black as me...

OOOOIIIITTT!!!!! THAT'S MY BRRRRAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Entah mimpi ape laaaa anak jantan sekor ni, sampai terjuih lidah dia...

Tamtam and Coco rummaging through my bags after my trip from Trengganu. Bau keropok gamaknyeee...

Permata Hatiku...

2006-04-11T11:00:00.000+08:00

Memeng

Tamtam & Baby

Coco Lee

Yibbe

Eh..... Misha takde pulak...

GUBRA...

2006-04-10T13:14:00.000+08:00

Life is cooler now. Working life that is.

Starting April, I will be working under another Consultant, though SHE is just a visiting surgeon ( yeah, my department lacks testosterones). Another Junior Specialist, my senior though she ( yup, another femme fatale) is 1 year younger than me, is also in-charge whenever the Consultant is not around. We only have 2 days clinic, Monday and Wednesday and operation day is on Tuesday. Thursdays and Fridays are our free days. YESSSSSS!!!! There will not be many admissions, and no patients to see over the weekends. YESSS YESSSS!!!! ( jemu dan penat la every weekend kena datang hospital )

I took most of the Thursdays and Fridays off this month, to finish off my annual leave for this semester. Kalau tidak burn je. May will be a busy month as a major exam is on the way ( Major exams are held every May and November). There will be quite a number of trainees taking study leave with 2 weeks of exams. So there will be a shortage of doctors in all clinics for the whole of May and all leaves are suspended except study leave. Siapa lagi yang nak fill in… moi laaaa!!

I only have another 8 days to work this month, plus 2 weekend on-calls. This week, I only work on Monday. YAHOOOO!!!! I was supposed to be on-call this Saturday but swapped with my colleague. Ex-Boss is on-call this week. She noticed I am taking long leave and asked if I will be on-call with her this Saturday. I gleefully said I have swapped my call. Jahatnya kan? Tak baik buat macam tu kat cikgu. But doing call with her is a NIGHTMARE!! Dah la kes yang datang entah hape-hape. Teruk-teruk pulak tu. Patients yang kena jahit sampai 5 jam, yang kena korek bijik mata, semua tu datang masa dia on-call la tu.

Thought of going for a vacation, a getaway, nak release tension, stress, rasa siksa jiwa yang terpendam, sakit hati yang membuak-buak, macam volcanoe yang dah nak erupt ala Marinakatoa…

Unfortunately, I am penniless this month. Hutang credit card banyak lagi. On-call claims tak dapat-dapat lagi. Belum sampai tengah bulan, duit dalam bank tinggal RM30 je. Bila time ada duit, takde masa nak pi mana-mana. Bila ada banyak masa ni, takde duit la pulak.

So, last-last setakat pi KLCC tengok movie je la. I watched GUBRA.

********************

There were not many people in the cinema, perhaps less than 20. Most were couples, yang lone ranger macam me pun ada gak a few. I wonder if they also have a zero love life like mine.

I sat in the row second last from behind, right smack in the middle. My favourite spot. A Malay couple sat next to me. The girl kept giggling. Menyampahnya aku, tapi dalam hati je la.

Then, suddenly a guy sat next to me. He was alone. Agaknya, gf dia pi toilet kut. I was minding my own business. Then …

Him: Hi…

Me: Errr… (Are you talking to me?? Are you talking toooo meeee??? Macam cerita Godfather tu) hi…

Him: Sorang je ke? (Hensem gak mamat ni… although cinema tu gelap, still nampak lagi)

Me: Ha ah. Kenapa? (Ada ke tanya kenapa? Stupid dam dam betul laaaa. Lantak pi la mamat hensem nak tanya)

Him: Saya pun sorang gak.

Me: (Yabedabeddduuuuu!!!!!) Oh… (kontroollllll)

Him: You selalu tengok wayang sorang ke? Tak dating dengan boyfriend ke? Dengan kawan-kawan ke?

Me: Ha ah. Sorang je. Boyfriend takde. Kawan-kawan lain busy.

Him: I see…( Entah apa yang dia nampak, cinema tu gelap laaa)

Me: How about you? ( Cewah… memberanikan diri. Doctors are supposed to be inquisitive kan?)

Him: No gf. Broke up a long time ago. ( Yabedabeddduuuuuu lagi!! ) Malas dah nak cari baru. (Errrrkkkk…)

Me: Oh gitu ( Dengan nada kuciwa)

Him: But you’ll never know kan. Kut-kut terbuka hati pulak kat orang lain.

Me: (tersengih).. That’s true. Jodoh di tangan Tuhan.

Him: Betul tu. So, what’s your story?

Me: Nothing much to tell. Broke up with someone recently too.

Him: I guess we are in the same boat.

Me: Yeah, now in the same cinema, watching the same movie too.

Him: Hehehe… true…true.

Me: (Uishhh… am I flirting with him??) So, u like mushy film like GUBRA?

Him: Yeah, salah ke?

Me: (Uyyooooo… sensitive guy… me like!!) Eh tak la salah. But most guys jarang nak tengok movies macam ni, unless kena paksa dengan gf dia. Pastu midway, dah tidur.

Him: Well, I am not like most guys I guess…

Me: I guess so…

Him: By the way, my name is ***. Salam perkenalan.

Me: My name is ****. Nice meeting you too.

Him: You’re from KL?

Me: I work here. I am from Perak.

Him: Cool! I am from Perak too! (Yahooo!!! Kalau raya tak payah gaduh nak balik kg mana satu…. Eh eh… jauhnya angan-angan!!)

Me: May I know what you do? If you don’t mind. ( Nampak macam educated. Dressing pun boleh tahan smart gak)

Him: I’m a software engineer. ( Huyyoooo!!!!) How about you?

Me: I’m a medical doctor.

Him: That’s cool!! (Apasal la org selalu teruja sangat bila dapat kenal dengan dokter? Best sangat ke kerja dokter ni?)

Me: It’s ok. Tak la fantastic sangat.

Him: I have always wanted to become a doctor. Tapi takut darah, so cancel… hehehehe…

Me: Hehehehehe (Gelak gedik)… mula-mula je. Alah bisa, tegal biasa.

Him: Boleh tanya umur you berapa tak?

Me: I will be 33 this October. You?

Him: I am 31. Tak kisah kan younger guys?

Me: Kisah apa pulak?

Him: Ye la, kalau bf you younger. You tak kisah kan?

Me: Bila masa pulak you jadi my bf? ( Mula dah tunjuk cengeng… tapi ala-ala manja gituuu )

Him: Hehehehe…. Mana la tahu. Kenapa… tak sudi ke?

Me: (senyum penuh makna)….

Him: So, may I get to know you better??

Me: ( Dalam hati…. YABBEDABEDDDUUUUUUU!!!!!!)

Yeaahhhh??? As if????

Maaf ye. Kat atas tu cuma angan-angan saya sahaja. Never took place. Tiada kaitan dengan yang hidup atau yang mati. Biasa la, I am a daydreamer. I only wish it is as easy as that to find good decent guys.

******************

I liked SEPET. But I loved GUBRA, though the heroine acted too childish at times. Tak appropriate for someone yang dah kahwin. The story is simple, yet meaningful. And for those who might have experienced what the characters went through, they could emphatise and understand the sadness, the pain, the conflict, the longings, the love and the hatred.

Why do we hurt the most, the people we love the most? (taken from Gubra)

Yes, we do that sometimes, don’t we? Sometimes unintentionally. Sometimes as an act of revenge. For whatever reason, it is still not a right thing to do. Sometimes the wound heal, and usually you are scarred for life.

Some people are lucky with love. Some found love, yet lost it along the way. Some longed for the love they have lost, and no matter how much you try to love again, it just ain't the same.

In the end, air mata ini menitik lagi.

Time heals all wounds...

2006-04-09T06:43:00.000+08:00

Breaking-up is hard to do. Letting go is even harder.

I have been bawling my eyes out these past couple of days. On that heart-wrenching day, I did not go to work. I was too heart broken, devastated, stunned, angry…. all those mixed feelings engulfed me. I just froze in time.

I cried till my eyes turned puffy. I tried to distract myself by doing housework, anything as long as I could forget. I cleaned the house, mopped, vacuumed, scrubbed the bathroom tiles, ironed clothes. My house was spick and span, but I could not stop myself from sobbing in between those tasks. And when I finally rested, the memories came flooding back, and I was too weak to stop those tears from falling again. I cried so hard, I think my cries echoed the entire house.

I had to work the next day, as I do not have any more excuse not to go to work. At work, on and off I will be lost in my own world, staring blankly with glassy eyes. Whenever I am alone, my heart start to sink further and further deep in the abyss of the unknown.

How can I forget? Things that he left behind reminded me of him. But as much as our relationship had changed, so are the things that he left behind. The shower head he helped me fixed, has gone rusty. The pepper-spray he gave me, probably has expired. The restaurant we first had our meal together, is closing and moving to another place as a condominium project is under way. Perhaps that is a sign. Telling me that life has to go on, no matter where you are, no matter what the circumstances are.

It had been almost a week now. My heart still aches. And the tears still flow.

Time heals all wounds. But this time, the cut is much deeper.

Di manakah cinta?

2006-04-06T20:28:00.000+08:00

Dalam ribut, ada tenang
Dalam tenang, kesabaran...

Dalam tangis, ada dendam
Dalam dendam, kerinduan...

Dalam rindu, ada sendu
Dalam sendu, keresahan...

Aku masih
kesamaran
di manakah cinta??

Broken...

2006-04-03T13:07:00.000+08:00

Waiting for him to come, was probably one of the most exciting things that had happened to her since the past few months. To be able to relive those fond memories, the anticipation and just the thought of his presence, gave her butterflies. She will again hear that familiar voice, able to look at his lips when he utters those words. No more mere imaginations, phone calls, or just words in cyberspace.

It had been a while since they last met. Due to work and other factors, communication was reduced to a minimum, although unwillingly to her. Not even a weekly phone calls. Just a few smses here and there.

Though feeling neglected, she had tried to understand his predicaments and worries. She tried very hard to ignore the void that he had left behind.

It was an opportunity to pick things up where they have been left off. It was a chance to rekindle the relationship, or whatever that is left of it.

But when hopes are placed too high, the rejections came crushing down faster and the pain more excruciating.

Everything was plain ordinary. The spark was just not there anymore. The warmth turned bitter cold. The intimacy felt awkward and pretentious. The silence was deafening. They both felt different.

They parted as lovers, but they met again as strangers.

People change. Love changes.

Why must words be twisted? Those beautiful, soothing words turned into anger and sarcasm.

Why must there be analogies? Why must he be so philosophical? Why couldn’t he just say it straight to her face?

I do not love you anymore… not as much as before.
I do not care anymore…
Let’s just do nothing and perhaps nature will take its course…

Priorities have changed. Ideas and opinions are no longer heard and respected. Different, unaccepted views were mocked and pushed aside even before they reach the table of discussion.

Perhaps, she was too idealistic. Too secured and too comfortable within her shell. Living in her own fairy-tale. Where hearts don’t break. Where marriages are sacred, and meant to last forever. Where loving someone means making him/her happy, in any ways rendered possible.

Or perhaps, he was plain ignorant.

During most of the limited time he spent with her, he seemed rather too pre-occupied with other things. She no longer mattered She no longer became the epitome of his attention. Not even when she was right next to him, breathing the same air, sipping from the same glass. The news on tv was far more exciting. The neverending smses were more interesting. Perhaps they were from that someone whom actually DID matter to him.

She felt unwanted. She felt insignificant. She felt invisible.

Maybe he did not care anymore? Maybe he loved her for the wrong reasons? Maybe he never did love her?

Things were so much different a year ago. She still remembered how much she was in love with him. One message on the phone from him was enough to light up her entire day. And because of those memories, she still held on.

Was she deceived into believing that happiness is something achievable? That love is immortal? Was she too naïve in thinking that the reason of marrying someone is purely out of love, not because one has to or feels obligated to? Was she foolishly optimistic back then?

In the end, she took the easy way out. She blamed herself. It was typical of her.

She was not the perfect lover. She was not understanding enough. She was not patient enough. She was wrong. He was right. She had indeed, lost her dignity and self-worth.

She had forgotten who she was. She did not have the right to ask for his time and attention. She did not have any rights to feel jealous or angry. She did not have the right to feel anything or ask anything from him. She did not have any rights at all.

He did not belong to her, but to someone else more lawful, more deserving. She realized that she had out stepped her boundaries.

She tried, in her last failing effort, to talk to him. She tried to vent out her frustrations, to explain why she did certain things, believe in certain things. Hoping that he would understand. Hoping that he could be part of her life again. Perhaps she did not sound right over the phone. Perhaps, things are simpler to comprehend when said face to face.

He understood everything, he said coldly. Then, he refused to listen anymore. He did not even look into her eyes.

At that moment, she knew she had lost him. And there was nothing she could do. Her heart shattered to pieces. Her chest felt heavy, she almost stopped breathing. Her eyes glassy with those familiar salty waters. She clasped her hands together to prevent them from trembling.

When they eventually parted, there were no kisses, no goodbyes, not even a handshake. She walked on and this time, she did not look back. It was obvious that she was holding back her tears. She must be strong. She shall not falter. She shall not succumb.

As she reached her car, alone, away from seeing eyes, she finally broke into sobs. Her shoulders shook violently. She was no longer that strong woman. She was no longer the pillar of her own strength.

She kept whispering, over and over again…. ‘but I gave you my heart, I gave you my heart…’

*******************

Today, I am a broken woman.

The Boss...

2006-03-30T19:53:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow will be my last day in The Boss team (http://marinaseye.blogspot.com/2005/12/frozen-albino.html). I think i have braved the last 4 months with her rather victoriously.

Of course there were a few screw-ups here and there. But none major ones and they are all part and parcel of the process of learning.

I know some people will call me crazy, especially those who have worked with her and been in her team, but I do gonna miss her.

Despite all her viciousness and intimidating stares, I know deep down, she is a caring person. Though she tries very much not to show it. Hey, she loves cats like me!! And people who love animals are a gentle, loving bunch.

I guess our love for cats gave us something in common. Other than the fact that she is still single of course. So we exchange cat stories, healthcare tips etc. I even showed her the pictures of my cats on my handphone.

That sort of broke the barrier between a student and a teacher. She could be angry and shouted at the top of her voice at a junior doctor, yet could laugh with me at the next moment. Sometimes, that does create some jealousy among the other trainees.

My juniors all cowered behind me when they knew she was in a bad mood. Whenever they were in a tight spot, or a mistake have been made, they make sure I was around to cool things down.

I may not agree to some of her medical management as she is a tad bit conservative. But I respect her sharpness, her vast 20 years experience and her never ending quest for knowledge. Whenever she is in one of her best moods, she can be an excellent teacher.

I think she does trust me in some ways, without even me realising it. She let me do a lot of procedures and gave me the more difficult cases to handle. And I notice, she does pamper me a bit compared to other trainees. Maybe she has a soft spot for me.

I first got to know her in my fourth year medical undergraduate. Fate has it that 6 years later, I encountered her again. She has mellowed down over the years. Yet, she is still feared even by the heads of other departments.

To be able to talk about anything under the sun, laugh at silly stuffs, discuss serious medical problems with her, make me proud to have sailed an accumulated 13 months with her.

She will surely be missed, when I leave this institution.

Vu who???...

2006-03-30T19:16:00.000+08:00

I guess to some people, love is nothing but just a word.

And the more often you say it, to too many people, the more it becomes meaningless.

But if you don’t say it at all, you’ll forget that the word ever existed in your vocabulary.

Then it’ll feel odd, sounds weird. And when someone utters the word to you, you’ll stare back, trying to comprehend the situation, trying to recall the meaning of the word vehemently.

To me, love is like déjà vu.

I have been in and out of love so many times. In fact, too many. Those feelings seem familiar, the word sounds familiar.

I recognize that lukewarm, fluffy, tingling sensation in my tummy. I notice that glow in my face, that neverending smiles. But was I really in love?

Was I ever in love?

When will my love be a jamais vu instead?

Berhenti Berharap...

2006-03-26T11:32:00.000+08:00

To that someone...

Aku berhenti berharap
Dan menunggu datang gelap
Sampai nanti suatu saat
Tak ada cinta kudapat

Kenapa ada derita
Bila bahagia tercipta
Kenapa ada sang hitam
Bila putih menyenangkan

Aku pulang..
Tanpa dendam..
Kuterima kekalahanku

Aku pulang..
Tanpa dendam..
Kusalutkan kemenanganmu

Kau ajarkan aku bahagia
Kau ajarkan aku derita
Kau tunjukkan aku bahagia
Kau tunjukkan aku derita

Kau berikan aku bahagia
Kau berikan aku derita...

Aku berhenti berharap
Dan menunggu datang gelap
Sampai nanti suatu saat
Tak ada cinta kudapat

Yeah, it was just temporary. Nothing lasts. Not even love. Especially not love. Forget all those empty promises and sugary talks.

Now that the earth has turned full cycle, i am back to the beginning.

But this time... i am DONE hoping...

999...

2006-03-07T20:21:00.000+08:00

This is my version of the TV3 programme 999...

This entry had been long overdue. I just bought a new Nokia 7360 with camera, infrared, GPRS etc. etc. But till very recently, i was not able to download the pictures. These were downloaded thru infrared, via my friend's laptop. Mine doesn't have infrared, and my plan to look for an infrared sensor at Low Yat seemed impossible. The USB cable for the Nokia costs RM249... erk!

If you had seen my evisceration pictures here http://marinaseye.blogspot.com/2005/12/cannibalingus.html, i must warn you, these are much worse.

Much... MUCH... worse...

Worse than Nang Nak...

Worse than them flood in Shah Alam...

It was very early in the morning, when the earth was still in bluish hue and the air fresh from the morning pollution...

The robbery caught him offguard. He was totally unaware... totally unprepared.

He was about to open the car door. He was planning to go to town N to meet some friends and buy some goods for his shop.

The action was so swift. He didn't feel any pain at first. Then his right vision suddenly turned pitch black.

He heard voices. His head felt heavy. He felt a thud. It was him falling down on the hard cement on his very own porch.

Then he saw the blood....

And more blood...

His right eye was slashed with a sharp object... most probably a parang. His face was mutilated. But he was still alive.

The eyeball was squished to a pulp. The anatomy disintergrated. The eye had become blind instantly.

It took me FIVE painstaking hours, to anastomose whatever was left. I was suturing, and re-suturing. Playing the image of the facial and ocular anatomy in my head. Hoping to salvage as much as i could.

It was not perfect, but at least i could re-form the eyeball. Though the intraocular structures were all destroyed.

And 2 weeks later...

It was worth the 5 hours. He was a lucky man indeed to still, be alive.

The Ugly-Lookin' Stone Beach...

2006-02-28T11:59:00.000+08:00

Today, i am off again to the East Coast for my thesis project. This is the 5th time and probably the last.

I am excited. Happy as i could finally conclude my thesis, though the final results may not be as what i expected to be. Not very happy, as no more staying at hotels, free food, free flight. But i think i have had enough of Pantai Batu Buruk sandy beach and Laut China Selatan breeze.

Maybe next time, another different spot... like Tioman, or Pangkor. I don't go for holidays. Not that i can't afford to, I just don't. Pathetic huh? Patut la tension je all the time. I guess my cats have managed to reduce my stress level to a tolerable point.

Hasta La Vista!!!

Nice weather but cloudy...

Told you my feet is not naked...

Nice sands...

View from my balcony...

Another view from the balcony. A tennis court.

It was windy and the waves were crashing verociously...

Yang brown tu kontena, terdampar kat pantai... Dunno why it is left there, for terumbu karang breeding kut??

Happy Birthday...

2006-02-19T09:10:00.000+08:00

I wrote my first entry in this blog on the 6th February 2005.

A year had passed since.

Today, on a lazy Sunday, I decided to walk through memory lane.

I first got to know about the internet back in 1998. Yeah, I was a late bloomer. Back then, it was just for e-mail.

Then I learnt about MSN chatroom and Instant Messaging. I had online friends from all over the world. Even had a Hindustani friend who crooned the song Kuch Kuch Hota Hai over the phone for me. Yup, he called me up all the way from Mumbai.

I was also swept away with the IRC phenomena and chatting in yahoo chatrooms. I found Uncle Mann ( or famously known now as Pokku …. yeah, we went a looonnngggg way back….) in IRC. Despite everyone else calling him Pokku, I still fondly address him Uncle Mann. Dah terbiasa. He is responsible in introducing me to the blogging world.

But what actually motivate me to start blogging? I visited a few and was mesmerized by them. Blogging has become a way of expressing one’s idea. It is like reading journals, short stories. Some are funny and entertaining. Some are informative. And there is a level of intelligence that you can relate to. No more…. ‘asl please’, or ‘awak orang melayu, kenapa tak chat dalam bahasa melayu’ craps.

And it is also a good way to have a personal journal. A place to vent out those feelings trapped six feet under. A psychotherapy, without the psychiatrist laughing about your case over lunch and extorting you with exorbitant fees. Or just to note any memorable points in your life.

I have always loved language and literature. My favourite class was English especially when it came to Shakespeare. I even chose to be in the Arts stream after my SRP. But fate has it that I was offered Science boarding school. And I guess my life took a 360 degree turn after that.

In my line of work, due to the hectic schedules and work demands (and trouble between my IT un-savvy-ness and the forever problematic streamyx), it is difficult to keep up and be constant in my writings. But write I shall even if it is read only by me. It was meant for me in the beginning anyway.

Just me…

Happy 1 year Marina`s Eye…

One Way Ticket...

2006-02-12T23:22:00.000+08:00

Isn't it human nature to do something and expect something in return?

You go to work, do the same thing day in and day out, no matter how mundane or monotonous the job is, you still do it. At the end of the day, or week, or month, you expect to be rewarded. And if your reward does not amount to the effort you put in, you get annoyed.

Then it turns to frustration, frustration builds up to anger, and anger results in remorse. You quit the job, and hunt for greener pastures. Or at least something that values your worth.

That applies to love too...

If you love someone, the other person should love you back, and you'll love that person even more for doing so. Thus the love propagates, proliferate. Instead of disintegrating into million pieces.

If you think you have sacrificed your energy and soul to that someone, is it too much to expect the other party to do the same? If the other person expects you to understand his or her woes and difficulties, is it unfair to ask for the same consideration and empathy?

I know life is not fair sometimes, but even a dog that barks at the tree will eventually stop and trot away.

Love is about give and take. You love, and be loved in return.

Like a 2 way track. Like a return flight.

I am taking a flight of no return...

Happy Valentine's Day everyone...

And then, there were 5...

2006-01-21T07:28:00.000+08:00

Maybe I was a cat in my previous life…

I think most of you have read about my 3 cats… Misha, Memeng and Yibbe. The last time I wrote, another addition to my family was Baby. She was supposed to be the youngest, hence the name.

It turned out that our door had opened to another lucky fella.

My sis was of course, the culprit. Or shall I say… the Rescuer, and me… the one bearing all the consequences.

My heart just melt when I saw the kitten. It is one of my many weaknesses.

He’s hardly any bigger than my palm. There was not a single strand of hair on him that is not black. Like ‘bontot kuali’. His nose is black, his lips, paws… even his ‘bonbons’. I was so afraid I might step on him in the dark, or crush him when I sleep as he likes to cuddle next to me in my bed.

My sis suggested names like Hitam, Kabam, Tambi.

I wanted to call him King Kong...

Welcome 2006...

2006-01-21T07:12:00.000+08:00

I know. It has been 21 days into the new year and I have not written a single word. Streamyx is partly to be blamed, my cloned desktop with its faulty internet card and oh yes, pure laziness.

A lot have happened of course…

I slept early on New Year’s eve, but woke up just in time to watch the fireworks from the window of my apartment. My block overlooks KLCC. The panorama at night is breathtaking… even without the fireworks.

(Ijun... pinjam gambar ye)

It was déjà vu all over again. Despite all that had happened, on New Year’s eve, I was alone. Still alone. Just like last year, and the year before.

Between the singing from the New Year’s concert on television, the thundering sounds from the fireworks, and my own sobbing, I was swept with emotions.

I felt down, depressed. I know sometimes I tend to over react. It was not PMS for sure. It was an indescribable feeling of helplessness, of vulnerability, of insecurity. Wanting things to be different, wishing for the possible but far from reach.

What is happiness, if you can’t see that same smile and sparkles in the other person’s eyes? What is success, if you can’t share it with someone that matters? What is pleasure, if you can’t enjoy it without any guilt? What is contentment, if you can’t satisfy but keep demanding for more instead?

More questions asked, than answered.

Perhaps this year, I could find the answer.

Maybe this year, I shall stop asking.

Happy New Year everyone…

A not-so-merry Christmas...

2005-12-26T12:52:00.000+08:00

Dear Santa,

I have been a bad person.

And i am ashamed of myself...

From the time of the last evisceration, I have done another. Usually one gets to do it perhaps once or twice a year. Not that many patients require that destructive procedure. I had the opportunity to do 2 in just a month.

My friend H’s father, had a myocardial infarction. His second, and developed another whilst in the ward. He had a 50-50 chance. If it was not because his son is the Specialist in the A&E Department where he was admitted, and 2 daughters whom are both medical doctors, his chances would be slimmer. With 3 of them around, everything was done fast… extra fast, to the hospital’s standard of course. He is better now after the angiogram and the stenting.

We do have one of the best medical facilities in South East Asia. But we are no ER or Chicago Hope. There is still much room for improvements… much, much more.

H was supposed to be on-call, but I swapped with her at the last minute. I didn’t think she would be in the correct mind to work what with her father so near at death’s door. What are friend’s for? Hence, my second evisceration.

Last night, H was on-call again. She is also a new registrar like me. We have promised each other to help out in case of difficulties. But I failed her last night.

She called me at 10.45pm. I didn’t hear the phone which was in my bag. I am a heavy sleeper. Could sleep like a log. Whenever I am on-call, I usually put the pager or phone right next to me. So that I won’t miss any beep or ring.

H had to SOS S, a more senior registrar. He is the kindest, most gentleman, helpful person I have ever met. I would have married him any day, without the usual hullabaloos. Unfortunately someone already beat me to it.

I felt bad. Smsed H but she still hadn't return my sms. Probably sleeping since the operation was done at the wee hours, from 3am till 6am.

I have always been a loner. Even at school, when girls walk around in groups, I would be alone minding my own business.

I don’t have many friends. Many were lost especially once they got married. Those I can count on are just a handful, including H. After tonight, perhaps the list is even shorter.

I guess no Christmas presents for me this year…

Cannibalingus...

2005-12-17T21:12:00.000+08:00

Warning!!!!

This is not for the weak hearted.

Nor children below the age of 18.

If you have not had your lunch or dinner yet, better do so before you proceed.

Don't say i didn't warn you...

Are you sure???

You wanna proceed?? Do you? Do you???

Ada yang nightmare karangggg... haaaaa... tak tahuuuu!!!

Suit youself.........

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The evisceration that i did...

Those were my hands. See how red the eyeball was? It was infected.

That orangey bit was the patient's lens.

Tengah korek the gooey stuff in the eyeball... Muahahahahar!!!

Can you see that gooey stuff on the gauze??

Haaaaaaa..... ni close up.

The hollow eyeball. Haa... siapa yang nak tengok sangat tadi?? I warned you didn't i??

That powdery stuff is antibiotic powder which i stuffed into the eyeball before i stitched it up.

Amacam, best tak? Gross tak? Scary tak?? Kekekekeke...

Hannibal Lecter... eat your heart out!!!

Frozen Albino...

2005-12-13T20:18:00.000+08:00

Time flies so fast. It had been a week since I last entered anything in my blog. A lot of things had happened.

********************

A famous blogger got caught … wet… with a famous tv personality. I think many was fooled, thought that they were blood related.

Met that someone again… Unfortunately, work was too demanding, physically and mentally. Could only offer 2 hours of my time. I hope he appreciates that.

Family members came over to my house… all 20 odd of them. Cooked macaroni, mushroom soup (ala Campbell je), toasted garlic bread, fried some French fries (tak tahu which bit yang frenchnya) and soya cincau….. licinnnnnn!!!!

*******************
Today, I did cataract operation on an 81 year old patient, with THE BOSS! Boss is the Guru of cataract operation, although she only operates the conventional way. Hers is as fast as 25minutes. Mine was 1hour 10 minutes. The fastest I had ever done was 50minutes.

My hands were trembling, with her breathing on my neck and scrutinizing every step. Yang betul pun jadi salah. Terketar-ketar macam kena Parkinson. How to do microsurgery with tremors la??? Nasib baik takde complications.

Those yang buat op dgn dia semua ketar. Memang la dewan bedah tu sejuk. Tapi bila dia ade, semua membeku. My junior nak cut suture pun ketar. There was another complicated case that took 2 hours. Sape lagi yang kena assist? Me laaaaa, yang lain semua nyorok belakang. Takut. Nasib baik masa tu mood dia ok, siap boleh gelak ketawa. Adeeeiiii… roller coaster betul. Maybe she’s perimenopausal.

*******************

Work has been very,very demanding. I go to work at 7am, and I reach home at 7pm. Day in and day out. Tak nampak matahari langsung. I think by the end of this 4 months, I will be fairer than the Albinos.

Kassim Selamat...

2005-12-06T20:12:00.000+08:00

Today, I korek bijik mata orang. No, not Kassim Selamat style. But korek… as in korek. Literary.

It is called… evisceration.

One remove the content of the eyeball, but leaving the scleral coat (that white part of the eye) intact. So, the eye tu tak la kemek sangat. Korek using a spoon.

The patient had panophthalmitis. Siapa yang rajin tu, pi la cari meaning dia. In layman term, the eyeball was infected and could not be saved anymore. Kira macam orang kencing manis kaki dah gangrene la, kena amputate. Haaa... something like that.

It was gross, disgusting. The eyeball kept bleeding. There was so much pus inside, some of it had consolidated. The anaesthetist who gave gas tu pun tak lalu nak tengok. But to me, it was fun and I was having a ball (no pun intended). Kekekekeke…. Eh... Kijam kah daku?? Tapi memang la sympathize kat patient tu kan. And it is something i have to learn to do in my line of work.

My boss let me do the procedure all by myself, but she was watching like a hawk. Berpeluh la jugak ketiak. Just imagine, pukul 6.30 pagi dah sampai hospital. Baca buku dulu. Pukul 7 buat round. Pukul 8 masuk dewan bedah. We had 7 cases today. My evisceration was the last one. Pukul 7 malam baru habis. Bukannya boleh duduk, sepanjang hari on my feet. Adooiiii... varicose vein la macam ni.

Ala kasiimmmm....

Yibbe the hensem eunuch...

2005-12-05T20:32:00.000+08:00

Today i bought nasi beriyani with honey chicken for break fast. Yibbe ate the left over rice. I found out that he has a penchant for curry and spicy food. First, he licked my fingers. Then he kept nudging the styrofoam filled with rice and honey chicken gravy. I let him have a little. Banyak sangat nanti cirit pulak anak jantan sekor ni.

Then, i closed the box and refused to let him have more. I think he got angry and peed on my lap. Yibbe sprayed on my lap with his clean shaven nuts (post castration... uish sounds like Emperor of China punya eunuch pulak... i mean post vasectomy).

********************

Talking about vasectomy... why is it ok for women tu have tubal ligation in order not to have anymore children, whilst it is sssooooooo not ok for a man to have a vasectomy? It is the best form of contraception compared to other methods like coitus interruptus.

Dah la yang pompuan teruk kena bawak anak 9 bulan, nak bersalin rasa macam nak mati, nak contraception pun pompuan gak yang kena korban. Bila suruh makan pil, berat badan naik, dah tak solid, laki jugak pi cari pompuan lain. Bila pakai intrauterine device, ada risk of infection, pastu pompuan kena seluk lagi sekali, malu laaaaa. Pastu kalau nak buat tubal ligation, pompuan kena endure major operation. Padahal vasectomy tu external je.

Reason?? Lelaki tak nak vasectomy because even if he had completed his family, mana la tahu kut tergatal nak cari pompuan lain, then he is still capable of reproduction, and menabur benih-benih ke tanah yang subur.

Whaddaya think??

The Calling of Nangka...

2005-12-03T22:34:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was my first call as a registrar. I was scared shit...

It was like going thru another exam, without the proper black and white written questions or nerve wrecking ticking minutes of waiting to be summoned to face the examiners. Being the registrar is equivalent to being a junior specialist where one makes own decision in managing a patient. At this level, mistakes are intolerable and unforgivable. Especially stupid ones.

The day before my first call, I was down with flu and fever. I was coughing my lungs out. My nose was blocked, so had to breathe thru my mouth. I looked like a blowfish. The anti-histamines and cough suppressant really knocked me out. I slept like a log the whole night. My sputum was yellow. I was coughing out pus.

The next morning, with the same dose of medications, I was praying hard not to misjudge or err carelessly. Can’t blame it on the meds, can i? As I got out from the car, I felt groggy, lost my balance and GEDEBUK… fell on the tar-coated road, with a thud, which sounded like a very, very ripe nangka. Luckily, there was no one around. My right knee was grazed and bled. I was still able to walk without a limp though. I think my ego was more bruised than my kneecap at that very moment. But a gal gotta do, what a gal gotta do. Work!!

What a way to start the first call…

Hey big spendeerrrr...

2005-11-30T20:08:00.000+08:00

I bought more spenders today. I know... i already have 30. But i just lurveeee the ones i bought recently, so i bought 5 more today. Don't ask me why.

I am just in one of those panties mode...eheks!!

Harry Potter...

2005-11-30T09:12:00.000+08:00

I was gallavanting KLCC yesterday, this time without guilt as exams are over. Arrived at 11, had an early lunch, watched movie, browsed the shopping complex, met a friend, had dinner at Chilis, and went back way past 8. Parking cost me RM17.50 Adoi!!!

Harry Potter was scary. I can tell you that. A lot of gruesome and bloody acts, evil stuff. Not suitable for kids. Especially the ones prone to have nightmares. Even for the weak-hearted adults. If you wanna watch something not so scary, go watch Pontianak 2. Even better, Anak Mami 2.

I had an attack of migraine even before the movie started. All those sound effects made it worse. Had to buy Ponstan from the pharmacy. Took almost an hour for it to take effect. So i did not really enjoy the movie.

Next movie in line... The Chronicles of Narnia.

I have learnt to discipline myself. If there's something i don't need, do not buy it, no matter how much discount they give. It'll probably end up in those storage boxes i have, or on the rack somewhere, collecting dust. No shoes, no new clothes, no stocking up stuff. Plenty is already too much.

Need to save up. In 2 years time, i will be residing somewhere, building my dream house with terracota bricks and koi pond, with plenty of grass for my cats to roam free.

Need to lose some weight...... reeaaaalllyyyyyyy need to. I don't want to die in my 30s. Perhaps some Harry Potter magic can do the trick aye??

To all the jerks...

2005-11-29T07:39:00.000+08:00

To all the jerks i've loved before,
Who travelled in and out my door,
I regret you came along,
I dedicate this song,
To all the jerks i've loved before.

To all the jerks who terrorize my dreams,
Who now are (or have been) someone else's hubby,
I regret you came along,
I dedicate this song...

Macam pernah ku dengar lagu ini tapi bila dan di mana ya??

The Desperate House-not-yet-a-Wife...

2005-11-28T20:15:00.000+08:00

Been a while since I last blogged. Streamyx is back!! The modem was out of order. I told them that, but they kept saying the cable line was faulty.

I had been on leave since Saturday till this Wednesday. On leave as in, no need to do rounds over the weekend. And no scrutinizing people's eyeballs!!

The house is spick and span. I just lurveee the smell of soaps, bleach and detergents.

I managed to revamp the whole wardrobe. Kept all the ones I don’t wear anymore in storage boxes (dah tak muat... uwaaaaa!!!! Bila la nak start diet ni???). Buying a closet is just out of the question. Berat nak angkat bila pindah nanti, and takes so much space in my little apartment.

Let’s see, what else have I done…

- cleaned house
- washed windows
- washed fans – ceiling and table fans
- reorganized the storeroom
- reorganized stuff in my storage boxes, I have 10 in all sizes
- revamped clothes… winter fashion is out, summer line is in
- ironed semua baju yang ada, yang perlu di iron
- revamped shoes collection… hmmm need new ones for work laaa
- washed cushion covers, curtains, bedsheets and apa-apa lagi yang boleh dibasuh
- tidied my books, gave those I don’t need to my juniors for their exams
- re-arrange my notes, documents, files
- tidied my drawers in my room at the department
- overhauled the aircond… cost me rm200… chemical wash and all
- went to the bank, settled all credit card debts…. Dah nanoooooo Yippe!!!
- oh yeah, pestered Telekom to fix the streamyx
- paid all bills, including maintenance for the apartment till April 2006
- isi minyak kereta… now dah full tank
- spayed Yibbe…. Yeah, Yibbe dah kena sunat
- pulangkan buku library and the one loaned by the bookstore

- on Sunday, went shopping and bought some lingerieeee…. Alaaa just bras and spender. I now have 30 seluar kecik, and 15 baju kecik. Cukup stok sebulan. Mana la tahu kut takde air ke, washing machine buat hal ke… Yang peliknya, i found that i have bras of different sizes. Different brands, different cutting kut. Pastu time hormon menggelodak, water retention, PMS, menggemuk sbb makan byk due to stress eg. exam, size became bigger... Kena dieetttt!!!!!

- hantar printer/copier/scanner untuk service, then fix the other printer yang kat rumah ni

Apa lagi yek? Hmmm… lebih kurang tu la. Accomplished all that in 3 days.

Bukan apa, starting Dec 5th, I’ll be posted under a Consultant yang paling digeruni in the whole department. Even those who are now Specialists, after graduating so many years ago, still fear her. It’ll be work, work, work and more work. No time to think about other stuff.

After surviving the exams, now masuk team dia pulak. Macam keluar dari mulut buaya, masuk mulut rimau. It’s not like I’ve never worked with her before, but never as a Registar, or a senior most medical officer in the team. So more responsibilities, and noooooo screw ups. Teruk la kena dera for the next 4 months. Doing Registrar calls pun menakutkan. Kena banyak baca yassin and solat hajat nampaknya.

So, I am desperately trying to settle stuffs as much as I can before Doomsday.... eerrrkkkk!!!!.

Of Kenduri and El-Nino...

2005-11-23T05:47:00.000+08:00

Yesterday evening, after Asar, we had a kenduri kesyukuran. Somehow, Mak misled the guests saying that I have passed all my exams. So, kena la perbetulkan. Perhaps another kenduri in a year’s time ( Kenduri nasi minyak kut.... muakakakaka).

So, I helped Mak cooked rendang daging, kuah kacang, nasi impit, kuah lodeh, and Mak also ordered kuih bengkang, agar-agar, popia, kuih koci, meehoon, pulut kuning, roti jala and kari ayam. Alhamdulillah, baki sikit je, Tak la membazir.

Orang yang datang pun dalam 40 people. Just nice. Sampai ke isyak la orang berkunjung. Macam raya pulak. The weather had been gloomy past few days. Nasib baik tak hujan masa kenduri. When most of the guests have left, baru hujan turun selebat-lebatnya. Sempat la pindahkan semua masuk dalam rumah. Kalau tak buffet kat porch je.

Those who came were my parents’ Terawikh buddies, kawan persatuan Mak, my staff nurse kat old hospital (Mak gave them English classes too and my auntie works as a matron there, so kenal la my family), neighbours, my grammies, aunties, uncle and cousins.

********************

The night before, Mak went to a dinner function meraikan wife D.O. yang dah nak transfer. Mak had been active in so many persatuan, NGOs and political ones. Almost nak bertanding jadi Ketua Wanita Bahagian but me and Abah tak kasi. Tak lekat kat rumah karang. The Datin acknowledged mak’s contribution and gave her a surprise gift (a 21 inch TV! Dunno where to put la) and more importantly a tribute to Mak.

********************

Today, kena balik KL. Jadilah 4 hari kat rumah parents. Bawak Baby je balik sini. Yang lain tinggal. Itupun bergaduh dgn Nino, kucing Abah. Tapi lama-lama jadi member, bergusti and tidur sama pulak. Nino asyik nak cium bontot Baby je. Memang Nino takde member lain selain Astro, Abah’s other male cat. Baby is a female. I guess Nino has found out, he is straight after all…. Kekekekeke.

PAS...

2005-11-20T16:35:00.000+08:00

Errrrr...... nothing political.

Really....

Yeap... I PASSED!!!

I'm sorry this posting came late. I'm sure a few people out there have been dying to know ( A handful je la kan...). My streamyx has gone kaput. I called TmNet 3 times, and they still can't figure out what is wrong. Cheeehhh!!!!

*********************

Six of us took the exams, only 3 came out with tears of joy. It was indeed a tough, tough exam, mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. Something no one in the right mind would want to go through again. My friend H said... this was worse than labour ... and she has 3 kids.

Remember my dear friend Z? Whose husband had a girlfriend? She didn't make it. She is as competent as i am, perhaps even more knowledgeable. But luck has it that she had an uncooperative patient and a difficult case. Out of all 8 sections, she only failed in one. But exams are exams, and failing one section is failing all. My fear for her is that her husband might grow more impatient as she has to sit for the exams again in 6 months time. The reason he gave last time for falling for another woman was because she was too busy with work and studies that he felt neglected. I feel so afraid for her.

I dunno why, but when my professor gave the results to me, i just hugged her and cried. Then, I cried even more. I just couldn't stop crying that day.

I prayed hard that the examiners only asked me things that i know. It is impossible to know everything. And they did. I prayed that the cases that i get are simple enough for me, and they were. I prayed that the patients i get will be cooperative, and yes, they were fantastic patients. One even wished me good luck during the exams. I prayed hard that i'll pass, and i did...

I have to confess, that i am a last-minute person. Something that i failed to change ever since i could remember. Be it in studies, be it in anything (kahwin pun last minute la kut, kan kan??). Somehow, that adrenaline rush makes me work better or think clearer. Perhaps i work better under stress. Well, that is at least what i think of myself. But if i had studied harder, or earlier, perhaps i could have done better. Something i kept promising myself, but never achieved.... (something like losing those extra pounds la... kekekeke)

So when i passed, somehow i felt God was too kind to me. If there was a person who had to fail, it should be me instead of Z. She had sacrificed so much, plus all those emotional turmoil she had to endure regarding her husband. I felt so undeserving. Especially since i had not been His utmost pious, loyal and truthful follower. I had too many shares of mistakes and sins. I felt so ashamed. I felt so small.

Indeed, Allah itu Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Mengasihani.

********************

Sitting for the exam again is like putting a halt to your life for the next 6 months. You can't enjoy movies, can't spend time outing too long, can't read something non-academic without feeling guilty, have to control onself from so many distractions, etc. etc. especially when you have failed the first time around. That was how i felt when i failed my Part 1 exams. Good luck Z, I'll always be here when you need me.

Now,

I can blog all i want

I can chat all i want

I can watch as many movies as i want

I can go dating with as many people as i want (sekoq pun tadak, nak berlagak... chaaiitt!!!)

I can read story books

I can watch VCD cetak rompak

I can watch TV.... Alias, Desperate Housewives, The OC, Lost etc. etc

I can...

I can get married.... (Oiittt!! Will you snap out of it girl!!!)

Hehehehehee...

**********************

Life is wonderful again...

Exam is over...

2005-11-16T17:12:00.000+08:00

Finally, after a long 6 days ordeal, the exams are finally over. Pheewwwww....

Results will be out on Friday.

Wish me luck!!!

Bits and pieces...

2005-11-12T08:49:00.000+08:00

Raya was not really raya. Celebrated only the first day, then had to come back to KL to study for the exams. Duit raya pun i passed kat my sis to give away. Masa orang tengah sibuk berhari raya, makan ketupat rendang, me duk menatap buku. Somehow the words started to dance into bunga api, lemang, and mak's rendang pedas.... uwaaaaa!!!!

********************

My kitties semua dah ok except Memeng. Still sneezing and conjunctivitis. Yibbe mata dah celik, bukan main lagi mengurat. Pastu bergaduh sampai gigi taring dia patah. Kena spay ni, but sometimes rasa tak sampai hati pulak. Baby tu betina, dah nak remaja. Karang kena sontot dek Yibbe, bertambah la kaum kerabat kat rumah ni.

********************

Yesterday was the last day of theory exams. Alhamdulillah, boleh la jawab. Tak la blank. Multiple choice questions pun boleh la jawab. Insyaallah, setakat nak lulus. In medicine, there is no such thing as first class honours, Grade A, B or C. So, orang lain yang ada first class honours tu, jangan pandang rendah. Elleeehhhh, pass setakat cukup makan ape kelasssssss... Passing is already hard enough.

So, this weekend nak pulun the clinical bit and viva pulak. Bab clinical la yang ramai stumbled. It is all about performance, and a bit of luck and of course, rezeki dari Allah. Kalau terer macam mana pun, dah ditakdirkan tak pass, ade la macam-macam obstacles nanti. But of course kena usaha. Macam my quest nak mencari jodoh la kan? Kekekekeke.... sempat gak melencong ke situ.

Anyways, gian nak memblog. Entah kenapa, my streamyx meragam pulak during the exam week. Ni pun pakai internet kat hospital, sementara tunggu my study buddies datang. Memang ada blessing in disguise. Tak la melekap kat komputer instead of studying. Tu salah satu rahmat Allah kut.

So clinical exams start on Monday till Wednesday. By Friday, results will be out.

O thy 3 well-wishers, do pray for me!!!!

Exam fever...

2005-11-08T20:26:00.000+08:00

My exams start tomorrow. I have never felt so unprepared in my life. This was worse than Part 1, gonna be much much harder. Hope they only ask me things that i know.

Do pray for me everyone....

Tapi kalau tak pass pun, the worst thing that could happen is that i have to prolong my stay in KL for another 6 months. Then it'll be taking exams just for the experience... eheks!!

I think i'm too high on caffeine.

HEEELLPPPPPPP!!!!! I'm DOOOMMEEDDDDD!!!!

Hari Raya...

2005-11-04T04:52:00.000+08:00

Raya was ok. As usual Mak was busy cooking. She made rendang pedas ayam ala Perak, rendang dinding, kuah kacang. Biskut raya beli je. We also tempah ketupat daun palas, and boiled ketupat nasi and nasi impit. Me tolong kupas bawang (sampai menangis tak berlagu), halia etc, ramas kacang, kacau rendang. Sambil kacau, sambil meratah... kakakakaka.

The house needed few touch-ups here and there aje. Nino, Abah's cat asyik eye my bag. Nak spray la tu. Dia pantang tengok beg, or plastic bag, siap laaaa. Hmmmm... miss my cats. Entah ape la depa buat kat rumah tu, esp. Baby. Balik nanti sure macam tongkang pecah.

**********

Pagi raya, mak and abah pi solat raya, while sis and i siapkan apa yang patut. Since Abah was coughing, i volunteered to drive the car to grammies and rumah Mak We (oiittt bukan girlfriend tau, my dad's sister yg paling tua, so panggil Mak we. We as in tueee.. geddit? geddit?? But i can never call her late husband what he should be called. Geli geleman teman weeehhhh!!!)

It was not such a bright idea. Halfway thru, my mum tiba-tiba...

Eh, dah tutup ke api kat dapur tadi? Mak ada panaskan kari.

Aiyoooo.... patah balik pi check. Pastu mak and abah duk bicker dalam kereta. Tadi baruuuu je bersalaman. Mak ni dah menopause, teramatlah sensitifnya. Abah pun dah andropause agaknye.

At my hometown, memang la banyak speed trap. And most areas, speed limitnya 60 je. Adoiiii rasa macam penyu bertelur, slow ya amat. Dah la i ada a live speedometer sitting next to me.

Haaa... kat sini tak boleh bawak laju. Ada speed trap.

Ok Bah.

Haaaaa... kasi signal.

Ye Bah.

Jangan laju sangat, kena speed trap karang.

Ok Bah.

Bawak pelan-pelan siket. Kat sini jalan dia tak rata, sempit. Nanti rosak shock absorber tu.

Ye Abah.

Adeeeiii.... Imagine la when he first taught me driving. One lesson je, then i terus pi kelas memandu.

***********

So, pagi ni dah nak balik KL. Kalau balik weekend, takut jem. Besides my cats dah 3 hari kena tinggal. Dah la kena flu belaka hari tu. Hope they are ok. Siap solat hajat, doakan kesejahteraan kucing-kucingku.

Even though it is nice to be back to the place where i grew up, i still miss my own house, my bed, my pillows, my fridge, my bathroom, my computer, my streamyx.... It is not the same as having your own bachelor pad. Can walk around naked, siapa nak peduli kan? Hehehehe... ishhh habis pahala puasa sebulan.

Hope i'll have a good journey ahead. Taaaa!!

Memoirs of that long bridge...

2005-11-02T06:52:00.000+08:00

Driving for 3 hours straight, gave me a long time to think about stuff. The radio's blaringly loud music drowned by flashes of events and episodes in my life. Personal self reflections. The past relationships. The things and people that matter most.

Funny, how i was upset by someone, and another one cheered me up all in the same day (*i know you didn't have a clue but thanks for putting that smile back on my face, cookie*). How life is like but a roller coaster.

As i passed that long bridge, memories just flooded in. The instant it began, and the day it ended. Those special, beautiful moments. And of course the tears and heartaches.

It's time, now, to create new memories...

Pavlov...

2005-11-01T09:19:00.001+08:00

Have you ever heard of Pavlov theory? Of "conditioned reflex"? A dog salivates whenever it hears a bell which is associated with the presence of food, even when there is no food.

I have been "conditioned" too.

Whenever a guy hurt my feelings, i will just shun him away. Shut him out. Without questions, without mercy. Some people call it cruel, some call it too clinical, some call it unfair. I call it 'cold turkey'. Yes, just like the drug addicts. Just like when you click that ignore or delete button. Take a step back, reflect, then move on. The scar won't be too deep.

Because whenever i get hurt, whenever i become gullible and be at my most fragile self, the ending has never been good on my side. The repercussion difficult to fathom. The effects, cling to me far too long. It is like cancer, slowly eating me from within.

But it is never as simple as that, is it?

Avoid! Avoid! Avoid!

Why dive into troubled waters?

Someone said, i do not appreciate what i already have, instead concentrating too much on things i don't. Maybe that person is right. Why dwell on relationships, when it was doomed from the very beginning or there never had been one in the first place? Why make a fuss with a so-called friend, when that person treats you like just an entity in cyberspace?

In pavlov theory, he stimulated the dog many times in order to condition it.

I was hurt, many times, far too many.

I think i just heard the bell ringing again...

DeepaRaya...

2005-11-01T04:45:00.000+08:00

To everyone,

Gulai lomak ikan keli,
Happy Deepavali...

Asam pedas ikan pari,
Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri...

Masak stim ikan patin,
Maaf zahir dan batin...

Pucuk ubi gulai tempoyak,
Kasi duit raya jangan sampai koyak...

Ulam-ulaman cicah budu,
Di jalanraya jangan pandu laju.

Ewahhh!!!...

Animal doctor...

2005-10-30T10:28:00.000+08:00

Yibbe and me made the trip to the vet this morning. Chloramphenicol didn't work for his conjunctivitis and he started having rhinorrhea (running nose) and sneeze a lot. Kesian hidung meleleh je. Unlike us humans, cats cannot blow their nose.

As it was a Sunday morning, there were not many four-legged patients yet. So, I had a chat with the vet. Today, Yibbe's usual vet is off so he was attended by this lady vet. Nice gal. Found out in Malaysia, there are vets who can do cataract operation for animals.... phacoemulsification lagi (break the cataractous lens using ultrasound waves then aspirate it thru a sutureless incision) but that is only available in UPM. Most of them vets are trained there. But for subspeciality, they have to be trained overseas.

I almost wanted to become a veterinarian. I included that in my UPU form. Never thought i will become as i am today, instead.

Maybe if the blue moon turns yellow, or the motorists in Malaysia start driving dengan berhemah, perhaps i shall change career and become an animal doctor instead eh??

Duit...duit...duit

2005-10-29T05:53:00.000+08:00

Being single, i have to rely on me and myself for all expenditures, and the consequences of intermittent impulsive splurge...

This year, no baju raya, kasut raya, kuih raya etc. Just sent Mak and Abah some money. It has been a quite depressing year. Takde mood nak raya because of the upcoming exams. Birthday tahun ni pun tak cuti, siap on-call lagi.

With the bonus and scholarship received this month, i managed to pay off all my credit card debts. Yippe!!! Tinggal last installment for the computer next month je. Lepas tu financially merdeka!!

I do have to keep aside some money though:

1. nak betulkan aircond... dah tak sejuk, bau hapak, make a lot of noise.

2. nak betulkan screen my laptop. Kalau mahal sangat, maybe beli baru but tu kena tunggu next PC fair le. Maybe i'll trade in ke... my old fujitsu and this current twinhead.

3. Nak service kereta. Tapi buat kat hometown je la. Sini mahal.

4. Still owe my father 4k. Dah 2 tahun, tak habis-habis bayar lagi. He said tak payah, tapi kesian pulak. Banyak tu. Though he is still earning some side income, and takde anak nak tanggung lagi, hutang is still hutang. That's my principle.

Hmmmm... so far, itu la yang pending lagi.

Now, i can start saving again...

Money, money, moooooney......moooooonnnnneeeeyyyyyyy!!!! (macam lagu tema *the Apprentice*)

Conjunctivitis...

2005-10-27T05:49:00.000+08:00

Yibbe is having conjunctivitis. First the right eye, now both.

He probably contracted it from the cats outside. Everyday i have to wrestle with him to instill the eye ointment. Sometimes he just know when he sees the cotton tip or the ointment tube. He even refused to have his eyes cleaned.

I remember when he was down with Parvovirus. I was chasing him everywhere and he kept vomiting out his meds.

Baby likes to play with Yibbe. Now she too has conjunctivitis in the right eye. But since she is still small, it is easy for me to apply the ointment.

Memeng is the easiest to give meds. Even at the vet, she was the most well behaved.

Baby will need deworming, vaccination and later BTL. If not, i might have grandbabies soon enough.

Not easy to be a single mommy... adeehhh!!!

Life little things...

2005-10-25T20:18:00.000+08:00

It does not take much to make a girl happy…

Today, I was pleasantly surprised when I received a postcard from a faraway place.

I knew the sender had been back home for a couple of days. Never expected anything from that person. I mean a mermaid, be it a live one or a statue, would be too implausible. A Danish cookie would crumble once it reaches the Malaysian shore. Danish pastry would taste stale and musty by now.

But I was indeed happy. Was brimming from ear to ear. Felt like I was there too. We could have painted the mermaid red!! Hehehehe…

I dunno why some guys are so oblivious about small things like this. A peck on the cheek, a card, a flower, i-love-yous, a hug, a phone call, an sms…. can make a whole lot of difference to a woman, especially when she is feeling down, or just not herself.

It does not entail too much time, energy or expensive gifts that’ll dry your pockets. It’s the thought that counts.

Showing that you’re concerned, that you care, that she is important to you, does not require Oxford education or a PhD.

It just need a diminutive effort, a minute sensitivity, a little creativity, and a bit of common sense.

I wish I was there with you too in København...

Beyond Logic...

2005-10-25T19:54:00.000+08:00

Your IQ Is 110

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average

Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional

Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional

Your General Knowledge is Exceptional

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

Beyond logic am I??

Dear Oreos...

2005-10-23T20:43:00.000+08:00

I have no idea why people would regard us doctors as superhumans. We breathe the same air, walk on the same ground, exposed to the same microorganism. We swear out loud, we fart, we pee, we procreate, we reciprocate…

There are doctors who get divorced, get cancers, are smokers, alcoholics, who get depressed and commit suicide. There are doctors who wear glasses, even eye doctors. Not all have the hour-glass figure like Beyonce or macho studs like Calvin Klein models.

We have flaws…too.

When doctors get sick, patients always act surprised. Eh, dokter pun boleh sakit ke?? And this usually drives me up the wall. Even the computers need disk clean-up and defragmentation or whatever they call it, from time to time. Being among the sick, we in the medical line are actually more exposed to all kind of sickness. Remember the Bird’s Flu?? A lot of medical personnel died including the doctor who discovered the virus.

We are not six-million-dollar-man or Bionic woman or the immortals like the Elves in Lord of the rings.

We are not perfect…

We just don’t show them while at work. We were trained to be professional, and to act like one. Otherwise, how can a person trust his or her life in the doctors’ hands. A split decision can make a huge difference.

So, we have feelings, we get sick, we get angry, we get upset… we get emotional breakdowns…

We are just human… so please treat us like one.

Marina

My sister..... My destroyer

2005-10-21T19:52:00.000+08:00

First, she broke the plastic door of my freezer. Tunggang terbalik i glue balik dengan gam gajah. The door still works, but silap haribulan boleh tanggal lagi if not gentle enough.

Then, she broke the kepala paip in the bathroom, cost me RM80 for the plumbing.

Then, she left the hot iron on my linoleum covered floor, of course terbakar laaaaaaa plastic tuuuu.. Habis berlubang lantai. My clothes basket pun ada lubang sebab dicairkan dek hot iron...

Then, sinki sumbat because she always throw left over food, sisa bawang etc. into the sink.

Then today, she broke the only big bowl i have. Ade ke letak bowl tu atas washing machine. That's the place where all my cats will jump on whenever they want to go to the verandah.

What next??

Oiittttttt!!! Ingat kakyung hang ni cap duit kaaaa????

TENSIONNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

Rock Bottom...

2005-10-20T06:24:00.000+08:00

I am tired.

I am depressed.

I am feeling at the lowest of the low... rock bottom.

Yesterday, daytime was busy with work, then class, then group discussion. I think the nearer towards exam, the more unprepared i feel. I have this feeling, i can't make it in this exam. I am just not ready.

Then, rushed to the cafeteria to finish up my food coupons. Almost expired. Only bought some drinks. The food looked terrible. Then, stopped by at another cafe to buy bread and kuih. Still had an hour before breaking fast, so stopped by at the supermarket to buy some groceries. The fridge was practically empty. Then realised it was like 25 minutes more, i didn't have time to cook anything. So stopped by at pasar ramadhan and bought 2 packets of chicken rice.

Rushed home.

Sinki sumbat... THAT welcomed me home.

Oh maannnnn...

After breaking fast, i tried to fix the sink. I was wet all over, the kitchen floor was flooded with stinking water. I was at it for almost an hour. I sat on the wet floor in frustration. But of course, i fixed it in the end. Then, had to clean the kitchen, mop the floor, washed the dishes, washed the fish, chicken etc before stuffing them in the fridge. Took out the trash. Cleaned the litter. Laundry.

In the end, i was so tired. Only had my shower at 10:30pm. How come i am doing all these? I should be studying.

I am tired of doing almost everything.

I am tired of thinking whether or not there is food on the table. Whether there is enough money this month to pay the bills. How to fix the leaking sink. How much more cat food left in the store room. When to service the car. Why does it start making funny noise?

I am tired. So damn tired.

I wish someone could do all those for me for a change. Maybe not all, but perhaps some of it.

Tried to talk to someone whom i thought could cheer me up. Everyone else was not available at that hour, they were with their husbands, kids, families. It was not of much help either. I felt even more depressed. I forgot that the person was not available too. I was just a pest, being selfish. No, i did not want my misery to be contagious. Everyone has a problem of their own.

I wish i could talk to someone. Pour my heart out. Is it wrong to be negative sometimes? I am just a human. I cannot be positive, happy, cheerful 24/7.

Is there somebody out there?

Someone?

Anyone??......

I know what you did...

2005-10-19T22:06:00.000+08:00

I found out who broke my car front signal light.

A neighbour (a guy and quite good lookin' i may add... eheks) told me he saw from his window, a Chinese guy pushing a taxi which was blocking his red, Iswara aeroback. Because the road was uneven, the taxi just reversed and crashed into my car. He even gave me the plate number of the culprit and the taxi. I thought i saw a taxi with a scratched bumper, a couple days ago, exactly where the spot should be if it was the one which hit my light.

I thought of searching for the Iswara. A red one is not hard to find. Perhaps leave a note under the wiper... SOMEONE SAW WHAT YOU DID TO MY CAR... then sign with my car plate number. Does that sound spooky enough? Just like that movie... 'I know what you did last summer'. Perhaps later, put a dead lizard, or cockroach or a dead bird... maybe more gross, a bloody, freshly enucleated human eyeball.....Muahahahahahaaarrr!!!! That is if i could find one.

Or maybe not...

The new light only cost me RM17. Not worth the trouble.

Maannnnn... sometimes it is hard to be kind...

Home is where i become Peter Pan...

2005-10-16T10:48:00.000+08:00

Cruising together,
Down miles and miles yonder,
To the place where I grew up in.

Memories near and distant,
Familiar faces in an instant,
Felt like I am a child again…

*********************

I am typing this from the comfort of my parents' house.

We moved here when I was seven. The place was a cowboy town, with lots of rubber plantations. It started to grow when TLDM was opened in Lumut. Back then, marrying the naval officers was the in-thing. But yang memalukan, you could find them naval officers getting’ drunk, having brawls at the pubs, over some chicks. Yup, most of them are malays. I mean berapa kerat sangat la non-malays yang nak masuk tentera ni kan? Gaji kecik. Lagi bagus bukak bisnes, join the corporate world and lead a yuppy, kiasu life, yes?

After 2 decades, the place has changed a lot. Parking dah kena bayar. Dah ada Kamdar. Dulu ada KFC je. Now ada Pizza hut delivery. Shopping complex dah banyak. Schools dah banyak. Taman perumahan dah melaut luasnya. Jalan dah 4 lanes. Dulu ada satu junction je with traffic light at the center of the town. Now, kejap-kejap jumpa traffic light. The town never failed to amaze me whenever I come back home with its vast changes. I kept getting lost.

And Mak and Abah are getting old. Alhamdulillah, they are still healthy. I plan to work here after graduation. Get my own place, but still not too far away from them. Whenever I am with my parents, I felt so at ease. I felt secure. There are no worries in this world. I felt like a child, all over again, like the first time we came here. I felt like I have never grown up, and I do not have to.

It felt so good to be home…

Malaysian motorists...

2005-10-16T09:58:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I was cruising with my sister at the North-South Plus highway, back to Mak and Abah.

On the way, I observed the way motorists behave on the Malaysian road. Terrible, horrendous, ugly, impatience, rude. No wonder, it claimed so many lives.

Express busses going at the speed of 110km/hour…..

Lorries overtaking each other recklessly. Ada sampai kereta from the opposite lane terpaksa ke tepi and actually stopped sebab takut bertembung dengan lori tu.

Cars zigzagging, overtaking others, kalah Formula One.

Motorcyclist yang dah la slow, bawak tengah-tengah jalan. Kita nak potong pun payah. Pastu kaki terkangkang. Oiittt nak anginkan your a*u tu keerrrrrr??? Rasa nak ram je kepala lutut depa.

Kereta yang bawak slow, tapi kat fast lane. Oiiittt cik adik, baru dapat lessen P ke (rupa-rupanya memang pun).

Kalau hari-hari macam ni, memang boleh dapat hypertension, tak payah makan garam lebih.

********************

Points to ponder:

Kalau nampak kereta buruk plet starts with AB or WB or yang huruf dia 2 je (plet zaman Tok Nobin) = Pak aji with cataract. You do not want to tailgate them. Their cars are solid, British made. Timpa kelapa pun boleh melantun balik. Far superior compared to our tin can locally produced cars. Overtake ASAP.

Kalau nampak kereta Proton yang dah recon, yang ada double exhaust pipe with sound macam kereta lumba tu + a young guy with a cap on, you would want to avoid this people too. They are the die-hards of malaysian motorist. Yup, they die.... hard.

Kalau nampak kereta mahal, Hondas, CRV, MPVs with a young yuppie driving it, avoid them too. Tak payah la nak overtake. They are the snobbish, road bullies.

Kalau nampak lorries, esp. yang kontena or lori panjang.... avvoiiidddd, avoiiiddd!!! Especially to drivers of Kancils and other cars that fall into the midget category. Kalau nak mati cepat, try la overtake these gigantic bulldozers on tyres. They have this Bernoulli effect around them, you can get sucked. I am one who is still alive to tell the tale.

Kalau nampak kereta yang jam packed with budak kecik yang tak diam mcm ulat ta*k, you also would like to avoid them as the driver usually tak boleh concentrate with all the commotion at the back. Or worse, the child might jump suddenly to the front and land on the steering wheel, the gear or the driver!

Kalau nampak kereta with lesen P, overtake je la. They are known to change lanes tiba-tiba, tak kasi signal, drive slow in a fast lane, tak sure nak turn ke tak, nak masuk junction tu ke tak, etc (macam i dulu masa mula-mula drive kekekekek...)

Dugaan di bulan puasa...

2005-10-10T19:57:00.000+08:00

I think the bad karma is still loitering around me. First the break-up, then the bad flu… previously my car windscreen broke, then yesterday was my car front light. Kena mandi bunga la macam niiiiiii!!!

My call yesterday was not too bad. Actually, one of my good ones. Did all my ward work from 8.30 till 12.30. Then linger around ward. Around 2pm, came a little girl with corneal abrasion. Mak dia lembiknyaaaaa, nak pegang anak pun payah. Last-last I have to call the father, baru la budak tu nak diam sikit. Ni jenis mak yang tak pernah marah anak kut. Pukul 3 baru settle.

Then went home, masak, did some household chores, then slept. Tak tahu la kenapa mengantuk sangat. Mentang-mentang la tak pose. Haaaaa jangan fikir yang bukan-bukan. Uzur tauuu… Woke up at 10, tetiba je ada cerita Smallville season baru. Bestnya! Then ada cerita sitcom ape entah. Then dah pukul 12 and I felt too lazy to drive back to the hospital. So, I decided, I will only go back if there is any emergency or case to review. 8 more hours to go before my call finishes. So, I slept with Baby (the new kitten) playing with my hair, jumping and clawing me, I was too sleepy to even bother.

Tahu-tahu bangun dah pukul 5.30am. Terus tengok pager, takut kalau-kalau I missed any page. Alhamdulillah, takde. Handphone pun takde missed calls. Terus mandi and siap-siap nak pi kerja. Before that, cleaned the litter first then fed the cats.

As I was walking towards the car, nampak kaca bersepah.

Uisshhh amende pulak laaa yang pecah ni.

Pastu… UUUUAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

Rupanya lampu signal depan kereta pecah!

And as usual, the culprit dah hilang la. Tensionnyaaaaaaa! Hari tu cermin depan… habis melayang RM360, ini entah berapa pulak. Adeeeiii.. baru je nak panggil orang repair air-cond. Duit lagiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii….

Masa tu rasa berasap, sikit lagi dah nak tukar kaler hijau macam Incredible Hulk tapi tak boleh la koyak-koyak baju, me pompuan kena la censored sikit kan. Dah la nak operate orang pagi ni, dalam keadaan kekusutan, ketensionan, keterkejutan….

Adoiiii dugaan di bulan puasa…..

The Daughter...

2005-10-08T20:17:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I received birthday cards from Mak and Abah. Mak’s was a musical card… with a huge teddy bear picture in front, and abah signed his name with a cartoon character. That really made my day. I was beaming the whole day… macam orang angau kekekeke.....

I think I have never gotten myself into trouble. I was the obedient daughter, the one with good grades, the prefect in school, the only one who got into medicine in the whole family, the independent one whom they do not worry so much, the one who always finishes her food then asks for more eheks……

But I was also the kuat merajuk one, the stubborn daughter, the one whom male suitors are afraid of due to my straightforwardness and the title in front of my name, the one who gives them headache when it comes to the opposite sex…

I think no matter what, no matter how old I get, I will always be Mak and Abah’s little girl, their first born, the person who introduced them to parenthood…

And I'm lovin' every minute of it…

Happy birthday to me...

2005-10-05T21:01:00.000+08:00

People celebrate their birthdays in many ways. Some would party all night. Some would spend it with their loved ones. Some would just treat it like any other days. Some would sulk and drown themselves in sorrow.

I had to work… and I was on-call.

Two days ago was my 32nd birthday. Instead of feeling happy, I woke up with tears in my eyes. Again, like many times before, there ware no cakes, no gifts. Just a few sms wishes from Mak and my close friends, which are very few. Someone dear to me even forgot my birthday. Perhaps, I am not important anymore.

I was tired.
I was stressed with the upcoming exams.
I was everything, but happy.

It did not feel like one of the most precious day in my life, but just one lousy, crappy day. The call was not too bad. I managed to sleep for a couple of hours. The clinic on the next day was busy. Then we had a meeting with the boss that dragged on till 6pm. I was dog tired at the end of the day, with a tension headache. Thought of calling Abah to wish him Happy Birthday (his was the next day after mine…. Mak said I was his biggest birthday present :) ), but both of them already went to the mosque for terawih. Did send him birthday sms earlier in the morning and hope his birthday card reached him in time.

My family is not very affectionate. We don’t hug or kiss or be mushy and all that. It is just not our way of expressing love. I think the last time I kissed Mak and Abah on the cheeks was when I sent them to Mecca…. 14 years ago. But I guess we love each other in our own way.

I zonked out the whole night. Only woke up for sahur.

Then it dawned to me… 33 is coming soon….

Maaannnn… where have all the years gone? What have I done? What have I achieved? So many things just flashed through my mind. Like watching a movie. My life part 1…. Part 2… part 3… part 30…. I wish things are like this, I wish these did not happen… I wish… I wish…I wish I am 20 again…

I think I had a good childhood. I had a wonderful time at school, at the boarding school, during university days. But I think I started to get messed up when I got emotionally exposed to the opposite sex.

Things I regretted.
Things I am ashamed of.
Things I wish I could undo.

It started then… and I am still messed up now…

When will I learn?
Will I ever learn?
Will I stop having hopes?
Will hope stop having me?

Happy birthday to me…

Sunday course...

2005-10-02T17:14:00.000+08:00

Uwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.... mana ada door gift thumb drive. Cesssss Tipah tertipu. But at the end, ada quiz, dan hadiahnya thumbdrive. And i absolutely did not win la. Nasib baik bukan laptop, kalau tidak bertambah la jakinyaaaaa... I only dapat markah cukup-cukup makan je. Macam mana la nak ambik exam nih....

Cayuukkkk... cayuuukkkkkk!!!!!! (ala Korea) Kena usaha lagiiiiii!!!!

Life ain't that bad...

2005-10-01T16:53:00.000+08:00

I am done being angry. I will just exhale and let that bad karma seep out away from me. Anger takes so much out of you. It is tiring, energy-sapping, inducing low morale, with guilty hangover afterwards. No, I don’t want to be angry no more.

I am recuperating well. I think the stress of exams, the preparations of departmental presentations one after another, really compounded my sickness, and my immune system was in the lowest danger zone. But I am much better now. My bouts of cough have reduced in frequency, I no longer need to do fishmouthing (trying to breathe through my mouth). I don’t wake up in the wee hours coughing my lungs out.

I think this episode was the worst ever. Usually it only took me 3-5 days to fully recuperate, but this time almost 2 weeks. Signs of aging?? I hope not. Even after 5 days of Augmentin, my phlegm was still yellowish and thick. I even auscultated myself, praying hard I did not hear any crepitations, to make sure it was not pneumonia.

With exams coming soon, and then the Ramadhan, I must be in perfect health. Physically, mentally and spiritually.

I have not much confidence in passing this upcoming exams. But I will try my best so that I don’t regret later for not trying hard enough. Exams are unpredictable. Even the best ones fail on the first attempt. Just like in life. Reality bites, sometimes.

As for my love life, it is back to square one. Letting go and forgetting is not easy. Never was. Perhaps there is still that bit of me that is still hoping. Hope is what makes people go on living, what makes them strive further. Perhaps, I am just stupid that way.

Yesterday, was my last presentation till my exams. It went ok. But one of the big boss came towards the end of the presentation. Another colleague was presenting. The boss voiced out her dissatisfaction on the trainees in general. It was indeed demoralizing. Something you do not want to hear at the start of a well-deserving weekend.

My colleagues and I decided to spend some time out to boost our morale. It is a blessing that I have colleagues who, despite their marital tribulations etc, still can make time for all of us. So we went makaaaaan!!! Biasalah typical orang Malaysia. We went for a steamboat and barbeque promotion at Kelana Seafood and ate to our heart content. It was worth it. RM14++/person for all kinds of seafood, tomyam, fried rice, barbequed lamb…. Balik rumah macam ular sawa kekenyangan and I slept the whole night thru. I was well rested, finally.

This morning I had a preparatory class for exam with my senior. I was pleasantly surprised with an early morning, long-distanced phone call. I know you’re reading this. Thank you for the call. It really made my morning :). I seldom get any phone calls nowadays, well not as often as before anyway.

Need to return the library books, pinjam je lebih. Bacanya tidak. Didn’t realize dah lambat. Entah berapa la kena denda. Then found out, on first Saturday, the library is closed. Adeeiiiii… banyak la I menderma kat Perpustakaan ni.

Came back in the afternoon, slept some more. Then woke up and cleaned up the house. My sis had done much of the housework. So I bought McDonald burgers for her. I’m taking some time out albeit the blogging before continuing some more household chores, ironing etc.

Just few days back, Memeng bulldozed my laptop and the LCD screen cracked. Shucks!! I have not even finished paying the installments. Even with the upcoming bonus, I still have a lot of debts to pay. Hopefully by end of this year, I could finish all my debts and start saving up money instead. Maybe I’ll buy a new laptop later once I graduated. The desktop is still useable, even the laptop too despite the dark curtain on top of it due to the crack.

Tomorrow, I will be attending a one-day seminar at Pan Pacific. The door gift is a thumbdrive woohoooo!!!!. There will be a quiz later and the first prize is a laptop. Hope I can win!!

My birthday will be on 3rd Oct, and i will be on-call. Tak sempat nak swap with anyone. Ingat nak ambik cuti, tapi kalau cuti pun bukannya boleh enjoy pi mana-mana. So takpelah. Birthday ke tak, it is just another day. A day to remind myself of all the things that i have done with my life, be it good or bad. A day to reminisce.

Life is like a box of chocolates... maybe it is just Kandos instead of Ferraro Roche this time.

At least the box is not empty...

I am angry...

2005-09-27T14:57:00.000+08:00

I am angry…. still.

Dah mandi, dah solat….. tapi am still angry.

I am sick, recuperating and not 100% well yet. All the energy I have left, I wasted on anger.

Angry at that person.
Angry that he failed to understand.
Angry that he refused to listen.
Angry that after all the hurt he inflicted, he pretended as if nothing happened.
Angry that he brushed off all reasonings.
Angry that he is no longer that sweet, passionate, caring person I used to know.
Angry that he made jokes out of my misery.
Angry that he made me listen to his twisted preach, yet refused to listen to a single word I say…

I am angry.

I felt like pushing someone down, onto the tar-coated road, head first, from 17th floor…
I felt like rolling someone over and over again with Petronas oil kontena truck… yes, P. E. T. R. O. N. A. S!!!!!
I felt like shoving someone’s head into the blender and turn it on to the max… then feed it to the wild dogs!!

Man… I am so angry!!

I need some ice cream…

My Haiku...

2005-09-25T22:13:00.000+08:00

I am angry, and sad. I just can't believe that some people are beyond reasoning, beyond compromise, beyond respect...

The same person who claimed to be understanding, promised to at least try to understand...

*********************

Hatred clouds sanity,
Judgements lost amongst dusts,
Mended heart broken, yet again.

Rambling away...

2005-09-25T08:14:00.000+08:00

I have been busy.

I have been sick.

Had fever and flu since Tuesday. Had to do a presentation on Friday. Despite the croaky voice and bouts of whooping cough, i think i delivered well though. Siap kena puji lagi (nak riak sikit).

Still not well. Had to attend class for exams on Saturday. Then, today kena buat rounds. Adoiiii...

Last night couldn't sleep due to the cough. Perhaps i talked too much commenting on Malaysian Idol. Kekekekeke... Nita tu seksi sangat la, Daniel tu suara tak power la, etc etc.

This morning woke up. Sakit pinggang yang teramat sangat. Slipped disc ke ape ni? Still in pain as i am typing this.

Kalau ada laki, boleh gak suruh dia urut. Itupun kalau dia nak.

Mi... you ni bila nak kahwin?
Esok...
Hisshh...

Mi... pi la cari sape-sape buat teman hidup.
Nak cari kat mana? Sogo? KLCC? Pasaraya Hero??
You niiii...

Mi... you tak nak kahwin ke?
Kawin tu menatang ape?
Oiitttt...

I think they finally gave up...

Letter to him...

2005-09-25T08:11:00.000+08:00

Waalaikumsalam,

Yeah, cosmetics do wonders nowadays. There are shows like extreme makeover etc where plastic surgeries and make-up could change just anybody to be more beautiful. Sure it gives one more confidence and boost the self-esteem. But can it make someone's heart and soul more beautiful?

Six years is a very long time. You have to learn to let go and move on. I knew this guy from his blog that he waited for one particular girl for 8 years. They finally broke up. I guess if someone or something is not meant to be, then it is not meant to be.

Yeah, we tend to compare. To our ex, to our mother or father. I think that's just human nature. But it is a bit unfair for that particular person kan?

Me? Well, almost got married twice. You know, the guy's parents datang rumah, cincin etc etc. My story is almost as colourful as my character i guess. I have dumped people before, got fooled, cheated, taken for granted, heartbroken etc etc. The usual Cerekarama or Drama Minggu Ini or soap operas. Been there, done that. I even almost became someone's second wife, with the blessings of the first wife, of course. I think i have been through a lot that nowadays, i almost don't bother anymore. Felines make better companions, true. They don't question your love.

Whatever reasons for marrying a person, be it economical or out of pure love, make sure it is for the right reasons.

A good friend of mine told me that i am too independent. That i don't need a man to take care of me, except for maybe companionship. Perhaps that's true. I think i am too secure in my own comfort zone. I am so used to do things by myself, for myself. All i need to think about is just me and myself.

I have fallen in love, then out of it. Some i regretted. Some i take as a lesson in life. Those that add colours to my life. Life is short kan? So, why dwell on things.

I guess i see most things in a humorous way. Jokes and laughters are good at hiding those sorrowful bit.

Till later.

Marina

Almost Heaven...

2005-09-16T21:06:00.000+08:00

On Wednesday, I was at the Primula Beach Resort. I decided to take a walk along the shores of Pantai Batu Buruk. It had been ages since I last went to the beach. Any beach for that matter.

It was indeed a beautiful sight…..

Wind blowing softly against my cheeks
The soft sand between my toes
The fluffy cotton candies amongst bluest skies

The breaking waves synchronizing with my heartbeat
The fresh air of each and every breath
The blue green water as salty as my tears
The never ending sea till the world’s edge

There was just me and myself

There were just Him and my soul

There were just us… and He was talking

I felt so peaceful, it was almost Heaven.....

D Day

2005-09-10T15:04:00.000+08:00

7 more weeks....

Then...

I can blog and merapu meraban all i want
I can watch tv as much as i want
I can watch as many movies
I can merendek wherever i feel like
I can read story books, watch VCD, read blogs
I can flirt and mengurat as my heart desires
I can balik kampung as often as i could
I can sleep as much as i want

7 more weeks...

Till then..

Geliga kucing...

2005-09-10T12:36:00.000+08:00

First, a mommy cat gave birth to 5 kitties, 4 died. Tinggal satu. They always come over to my house for food. Sometimes, even lepaking in my house because my neighbour's kids jahat-jahat. Suka kejar and buli kucing-kucing tu (my sis rescued Yibbe from these kids. They were suffocating the poor cat in a tupperware!!).

I don't know why some kids are so ruthless. Mak bapak depa tak ajar ke sifat sayang pada makhluk Tuhan? Agaknya mak bapak depa pun main sepak je kalau ada kucing lalu depan depa.

Anyway, as you know, all my cats were strays that my sis picked up tepi jalan. So, recently we had another addition to our household. Yang ni jumpa tengah-tengah tangga. Nasib baik tak kena pijak. Kecik lagi..... baru nak teething. Biasa la I memang melt kalau tengok kittens ni.

So now, the kitten is happily playing around the house, even though Memeng and Misha kept hissing and pelangkung the kitty whenever it comes near them. We have not given the kitty a name yet. Dunno jantina dia lagi. Haven't checked the bon bon yet. But i have a feeling it is a male. Maybe nak kasi nama Ciki, or Naruto or Shinchan, kalau betina Cumi atau Nita macam Malaysian Idol tu. Ok tak? Kekekeke..

This morning, jumpa pulak a cat yang dah besar sikit, maybe couple of months old. Kurus kedengking. Ni mesti ada orang buang. Kesiannyaaaa.... soooo kurus and dehydrated. So i put a bowl of water, and dia minum and minum and minum. The cat looks so sick. I think it is dying. Same thing when we rescued Memeng dulu. But I think with enough tender loving care, the cat will survive. But i have too many already. Isskkkk... macam mana ni? Tapi bila tengok kucing tu, sayu rasa hati (at this very moment, Ciki/Cumi is playing at my feet). I hope it doesn't die in front of my house. Tak sampai hatinyaaaa....

My father loves cats. Cats always follow him around. Kalau pi makan kat gerai pun mesti ada kucing datang. According to Mak "Abah kome tu ada geliga kucin..." So, he attracts cats wherever he goes.

I think he has passed on that geliga to me... adeehhhh..

Jiwang mode...

2005-09-09T22:14:00.000+08:00

... till the night wind freezes into snowflakes
....till the sun emerges from behind the dark clouds
....till the rain softens the rocks at river banks

i too, shall wait...

for the soft hands to caress my cheeks
for the voice that sings me to sleep

even for a lifetime...

Baby Cats

2005-09-08T21:11:00.000+08:00

I am not really good with kids. I do not have much patience. I could not stand a baby’s cry. I could not tolerate a toddler’s tantrum

I could never comprehend why parents bring their a couple months old baby to crowded shopping centres. Nak show off ke? Hey, we made him… that’s our doings. I mean, that baby is too small to comprehend anything at that age anyway. Pastu dengan beg besar isi diapers la, botol susu, air masak dan entah hape-hape lagi. Tu belum talk about all the infections the baby is exposed to at a public place like that.

Today, I saw this kid with panhypopituitarism secondary to corpus collosum agenesis with epilepsy and global developmental delay. Yeah, it is as bad as it sounds. I hope God will not test me with that kind of ordeal. I pity her mother. Tough lady she is.

Examining a child can be difficult and tricky. Examining a mentally challenged kid is a challenge on its own. I was kicked at, my glasses almost fell off my face, I was spat at, but noooooooo… give up I shall not. It is my responsibility. In the end, I managed to examine her. After a bit of crying, everything ended well, and the child and I waved bye-bye.

I still don’t know if I want a child, with or without a father.

I think I am happier with felines…

The wind of change

2005-09-04T11:14:00.000+08:00

People change...

Sometimes a change is inevitable...

Sometimes a change is good...

Sometimes people change for the better, or worse...

Sometimes it takes a lifetime to change...

Sometimes a person changes in a blink of an eye, in a breath of a word, in a drop of a tear...

I am still the same...

Merdeka! Merdeka! Merdeka!

2005-08-31T17:57:00.000+08:00

This time around, Merdeka day carried a deeper meaning for me. A poignant self discovery.

I finally made the decision.

I feel liberated from those feelings of doubts, insecurities, unnecessary longing, the unpredictables, the uncertainties, guilt, qualms, reservations… ie. the emotional roller coasters.

Only death and the afterlife are certain… others are just that aspect of life that you could plan and execute, but the end results are of course, not always predictable.

I was indeed swept away, smitten, overwhelmed by my own feelings at times. And of course, despite it's short half-life, at that point in my humble existence, I was happy. Was..

I guess, in the end, it was my head that overtook my heart. My feet finally landed on the ground.

I hope I did not hurt too many people out of my own foolishness and selfishness.

I appreciate myself more now.

I think I worth more than that.

Happy Merdeka Day, everyone…

The Odd Couple..

2005-08-31T13:00:00.000+08:00

I had a blast last night with my friends at work... single friends (will blog about it some other time). But what was peculiar, the conversation i had with my sister....

As I was browsing in Times KLCC..

Sis: Hello... balik makan tak? E*** masak ni. ( Sebab tu my groceries list panjang, apart from the 3 cats, i have another mouth to feed at home)

Me: Tak balik makan malam ni. Makan kat luar.

Sis: Kat mana tu?

Me: Kat KLCC.

Sis: Makan dengan siapa?

Me: Dengan member kat tempat keje la.

Sis: Laki ke pom?

Me: Pom laaaaaaaa...

Sis: Balik pukul berapa ni?

Me: Lambat sikit, karang maybe nak tengok movie.

Sis: Dah tu food banyak ni?

Me: Ala.... kalau lebih simpan la, boleh makan esok...

********************

This morning as i was about to leave the house (i have a discussion session with my exam-goer friends)..

Sis: Hari ni kerja ke?

Me: Ada discussion kat hospital.

Sis: Balik lunch tak?

Me: Tak tahu lagi, tapi masak je la..

Oh maannnnn... i think we sound like a couple.... eerrkkk!!!!

Anugerah Skrin

2005-08-29T22:05:00.000+08:00

Kan dah kata.... drama Miftahul Jamilah tu best.

Tapi Sekeras Kerikil dan Cinta Si Penggali Kubur tu pun meruntun perasaan juga. Lakonan Lisdawati memang bagus. Nasir Bilal Khan pun memang terer bab watak orang 'mentally challenged' ni. Since Isteri, Perempuan Dan ... Nasir has improved a lot in his acting. Dah takde haaaa....haaaaaa... kat hujung every sentence.

Lakonan Rosyam dalam Kerikil pun memang best, and bini si penggali kubur tu pun memang gedik sakan. Benci sungguh kat dia, tapi last-last kesian. Ada sambungan cerita tu, tapi tak tengok. Tertido.

Kalau saya jadi juri, memang la tak tahu nak pilih.

Lagi satu drama yang saya suka.... lakonan Azean Irdawati... yang lima puluh sen tu, eh... lupa la tajuk penuh dia. Sungguh mengharukan mengenang nasib mentally challenged person ie Azean yang bagai jatuh ditimpa tangga, pastu escalator.... bertimpa-timpa. Siapa yang ada tengok drama tu, will understand what i mean.

I hope tv3 or RTM will produce more quality dramas.

Dulu suka sangat cerita Kutub Utara Kutub Selatan. Me??? Beruang Kutub kut.... kakakakaka! No, i have not met him masa minat cerita tu. Tiada kaitan dengan mereka yang masih hidup atau dah arwah ye.

Other dramas like yang ada Nasha Aziz, Erma Fatima(wanita vogue), Hans Isaac, Rosyam.... apa tajuk dia ek?? Pelupa betul la. Tapi drama tu memang colourful, dan characters pun memang colourful. Banyak la locally produced quality drama, tak le asyik-asyik tengok drama alihsuara je Brazil, Jepun, Filipina, Thailand, Korea.... kan? kan?

Tapi kalau drama Cinderella atau Cinta Korporat atau Romeo dan Juliet tu, saya tak berkenanlah. Macam tak real je. Bila tengok orang Melayu berlakon macam korporat, rasa memang macam fake, macam berlakon je. Kenapa ye??