marina`s eye

PZ...

2009-01-18T16:27:00.005+08:00

Pizza Zionis??

Tak laaaa...

HAPPY 2009, SALAM MAAL HIJRAH 1430.

Ok i admit i am guilty of not updating. Hangat2 taik ayam selalunya. But i have been bloghopping and mesmerised by this particular blog 'Piahzadora dot blogspot'.

It all started when a fellow blogger called me up, told me that i was being mentioned in a blog in a not very nice manner. I was not the subject matter at hand, but by someone who have crossed my path many years ago.

Though i was not quite bothered at first as i have erased that dark episode in my life, it seemed that the Karakatoa had suddenly erupted. As if there are not enough skeleton in that someone's closet, that someone tried to open others' closets too for the whole world to see. That particular blog's comment box was like a warzone with swearing, name-calling, retaliation, assumptions, judgements etc. Would have made Saturday Night Live cry in shame.

I read every comment, every word. But i stayed silent. Didn't leave any comments in that particular blog. Meroyan in my blog je.

Anger turned to pity. A jerk is a jerk. A fool does not need anybody's help to make him/her look more foolish. The blog has moved on. I too, have moved on. A long, long time ago.

So must you....

And then she became Piahzadoralagi. So laaaaggiiii banyak aksi terjah menerjah berlaku. The blogging world can be very disguising and dangerous. Many were fooled including moi.

A CEO of a multimillion company turned out to be a house husband. A cup C was actually a B. A self-proclaimed gay turned out to be a loving husband to a very female wife. Such was the drama.

Issues discussed are interesting too. But the commentators are the one who made the blog entertaining and addictive. PZ is currently the hippiest place to hang out (since Starbucks and anything American dah kena boikot).

I do agree with some issues. Especially on butchering of languages, both english and malay and the bag-ho..... definitely hilarious. They even have english classes in that comment box hehehehe... I think most of the commentators meant well. But certain bloggers are just beyond repair!

So to those who love watching Melodi or reading Mangga or URTV or yang sewaktu dengannya, drop by at the above blog. Unfortunately, the celebrities are not Mawi or Ekin mind you. You shall be entertained, but in a much much classier way. But i think you do need some level of intelligence to understand what's written between the lines or to laugh at the jokes. Nanti ada pulak yang jadi bahan jenaka. I think the people in PZ have taken gossiping to a higher notch.

Foul languages, sarcasm and butt crack jokes aside, don't say i didn't warn you.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

10 Things I Hate About You...

2008-11-21T19:40:00.006+08:00

1. Hot tempered

2. Suka berlagak pandai ( even in things you know little about... like medicine )

3. Suka mencarut dan maki-hamun, calling people names like bodoh, babi, bangang... ( i too, was not spared )

4. Perasan bagus sangat and like to downgrade others ( humble and humility never existed in your dictionary )

5. Suka cakap besar ( the higher above the ground, the better )

6. Very selfish ( you think everything revolves around you, and you only )

7. Very defensive, to the extent of mocking and humiliating others, JUST TO PROVE A POINT!

8. Do not practise what you preach, yet recite ayat itu, hadis ini...

9. No respect for other people's feelings especially those you claim dear to you

10. Mengaku intelligent, ada high IQ, well educated.... tapi bergaduh macam budak2 berhingus

I have mentioned these many, many times in an attempt to reform you to be a better person. Of course, i was delusional back then

Tapi bagai mencurah air ke daun keladi

Bagai anjing menyalak bukit

It backfired and i was hurt in the process

Very, very hurt

A few years later...

Thought he would be wiser

Leopard never change its spots

Old dog can't learn new tricks

I REST MY CASE...

p/s: Nothing to do with the parents, the reason was you, you and only YOU. Kapish???

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AGAIN (BUMMER!)...

2008-10-03T15:43:00.003+08:00

Has it been a year already? Maaannnn..... how time flies.

Happy 35th birthday to me!!!!

It is the 3rd day of Ramadhan and i have to work. Bummer!

I am having migraine and started work in a foul mood. Double bummer!!

Only one person smsed happy birthday to me this morning. A MISEARABLE ONE!!! And he was an EPISODE in my life.

At home, mak is hosting 'Open House' for my cousins, uncles and aunties.

After all those cooking and eating, who has to clean up the mess?? Moi laaaaaa....

It is my birthday, it is still Hari Raya..... and i feel crappy.

Bummer!!!

Happy Birthday...

2007-10-03T20:26:00.000+08:00

I am 34 today..... Yippe!!!!

Regrets...

2007-08-21T18:50:00.000+08:00

Of all that's worthy in this world,

men are not one of them..

Mourning...

2007-07-10T23:28:00.000+08:00

Dear all... one of my cats died after 4 months of combating an unknown delibitating disease. I am in a period of mourning. Will write about it soon.

I am just too sad right now...

Wedding Blues...

2007-07-02T19:46:00.000+08:00

I never liked weddings...

When I was small, I hated weddings.

That was when I had to be the ‘bunga telur’ girl.

I was shy.

Giving out eggs to strangers was not my forte. Even when most of the strangers are in some way, related to my roots.

We didn’t have towels, or sweets, or mini potpourris, or wedding goodie bags back then. Just eggs…. Hard boiled eggs. Grandma used to make delicious egg curry with them left over cracked eggs… yuummmm.

When I was a teenager, I still hated weddings.

That was when all the pakciks and makciks and wan and tokcik were asking….

‘Anok daghe sape ni komeee?? ( I was pimple laden, still shy gal then)

‘Udoh besor bebenorrr’ (yeah, I was chubby. The baby fat stays on till this very day).

‘Udoh boleh kawen niiiii…’ (errr… hello, I was on my way to a higher institute of learning, not jadi tukang kutip kain pelikat kotor, or tukang kemas suratkhabar, or tukang basuh bontot budak…. Okkkk)

When I was a young adult, I hated weddings even more…

Kamu ni bila lagi? Jangan la memilih sangat…

Takkan boifren pun takde kut…

Aiks… belajar tak habis-habis lagi ke?

And when my friends’ younger sisters and brothers started having their weddings too, i just stopped attending them...

I made myself busy all the time… even when I was not. That was one of those moments I took full advantage of being a doctor.

My parents had long stopped asking me to come along.

I started sending wedding gifts thru mail.

I missed my cousins wedding, did not even bother to look at the ‘gubahan hantaran’ or wedding photos…

I skipped that wedding segment in Nona.

I stopped reading about weddings in magazines.

I think it had been ages since I attended a wedding, that I have forgotten why I hated it in the first place…

But yesterday, I went to one. One of my staff’s daughters got married…

As an HOD, I felt obliged to go.

The kenduri was buffet style. I ate at a table, alone.

All around me were families. Young couples with kids. Old couples with teenage children.

My young staffs came with their young wives and babies…..

And it all came back.

It made me feel awkward.

It made me feel embarrassed.

It made me feel inadequate.

I hate weddings….

Rainbow...My Foot

2007-06-15T21:01:00.000+08:00

The operation theatre (OT) where i stab humans eyes, is very cold.

Therefore, i wear socks.

I like colourful socks because they de-stress me and add colours to the OT.

I will be singing.... happy shiny people.... in them rainbow socks

I have chubby cheeks and stubby toes

I wear black OT shoes to avoid sharp objects like needles and scalpels from falling and hurting my feet.

But i do get stepped on my toes, far too often.

And when that happens, the colourful socks, lose their rainbows...

HOD...

2007-06-15T18:33:00.000+08:00

It was about 6 months ago, when I was transferred here. I have gazetted, and am now a full-fledged Specialist with a license to korek bijik mata orang… muahahahahahar!!! Ok ok… that was my version of Jangan Pandang Belakang.

I was glad that I was away from the hustle and bustle of KL. There is more room to breathe here. And of course, more time to do some self-reflections and yes, lotsa berangan-angan.

After so long, I have to admit that I have become a bit complacent. Pergi kerja lenggang kangkung. Punch card right at the dot of 8am and 5pm. Lunch hour till 2.30pm, sempat afternoon nap on Fridays. For a s...l...u...g...g....i.....s......h me, it was a bliss.

Little did I know, that peace of mind was abruptly disrupted when my boss got his transfer back to his hometown and yes, yours truly is the heiress next in line.

I do not mind the clinical work, even if that means catering for half of the population of Pahang and doing my two weekly visits to other districts which are at least an hour plus drive from here. But what really bogs me down is the administrative work.

I attended a budget seminar, then the medical advisory council meeting and today, a seminar on auditing. All that within a space of just a week. There are so many courses down the line, credentialing for my paramedics, visits to other hospitals, ISO9000, accreditation…….

Maaaannnnn. I did not slaughter myself for 10 years in med school to end up doing all these.

I am not a hospital administrator. Someone else should be doing all these non-clinical work. But being the Head of my unit, it is inevitable.

So today, I brought home stacks of files to go through so that I won’t look foolishly bewildered the next time someone mention ISO9000 etc.

The extra responsibilities only come with more liabilities, more hairs being pulled out, higher blood pressure and more wrinkles on my forehead.

My birthday is not till October, but I already feel like 40….. uurrrgghhhhh...

Head of department? Yeah right.... Off with the head!!!!

Dead Poet Society...

2007-06-10T11:13:00.000+08:00

I love poems. Someone sent me one. I do not want to lose it in haloscan, so this one is a keeper.

Melady Marina:

A gift for you.

Forgive me if this is too long, it is the only way I know to show repect and awe to thoughts of a friend in this intangible plane.

Seeing Blind

Hello,
I am new here,
I came from a land of the bewildered,
I have no friends nor lover.

Would you come closer to this tired traveler,
so that I can see you a little bit clearer,
please do not have no fear,
as I am a paralized blind from ear to ear,
a gift i got from me deeds in the coming years,
as a sentinel for devilish deers.

Now, now, do not be wary,
as a blind could never see,
therefore I could never pinch your little tootsy,
like what the demonic diety did to me,
so there is nothing for you to worry.

What is that you said in me hands you see?
that makes your head go weepity wee,
ahh, no, no, don't you go awry,
I'll tell you of the things I brought with me,
so you'll see a what a blind man sees.

A wand in my left and and a torch in me right hand,
is much appropriate for a blinded man,
one for shining the routes to thid land,
the other for telling an enemy from a friend.

A straight line crossed with a cresent on my neck,
a sign of me religous pack,
an order of sinning saints,
who seeks the pleasures of pain,
in hope one day I will again,
be a saintly sinner who preaches out pious blasmephemies,
making me an enemy of the blasphemous piety.

As for this coarse velvet that I wore,
I know it is an eye sore,
but it is a precious gift from me lady whore,
who reminds me we are whoring ladies,
who love to be barbaric gentlemen,
and kill gentlemen barbaricly.

Worry not child,
as i am blind as a blind could be,
and all I know is the darkness that in it you be,
it is the light that helps me see.

demonsinme

Dear poet,

Blindness is a state
Of unseeing
Of unknowing
Even when the eyes are wide opened…

Blinded heart
Hurts but doesn’t bleed
Laughs but cries in silence
Speaks but speechless

In the darkness sometimes
Lights playing tricks
Deceiving the foolish mind

I am just as blinded as you
Seeing miracles, I thought were true…

When the harsh of reality
Struck that chord of sanity
When things you see
Not what they supposed to be

Then I wish I am blind
May I have a peaceful mind

Blindness is a state
Of unseeing
Of unknowing
Perhaps, that’s the best thing…

Jalan-jalan (part 1)...

2007-06-09T06:36:00.000+08:00

Recently, I went to Kota Kinabalu to attend a Malaysia-Singapore conference. The registration was free, since I am a society member (no.. not Klu Klux Klan, okkkk….). The accommodation at Pacific Sutera Harbour was fully sponsored. I only had to pay for the MAS flight tickets (tak kuasa nak naik Air Asia). Economy class je la kan. Itu pun ambik yang supersaver.

But during the journey back, I was given a business class seat. Why??

1. Because I made a pitiful puppy-got-lost face

2. Because I threw a tantrum, golek2 on the airport floor, kicking and screaming and tarik2 rambut

3. Because I flirted with the captain and did the poco poco dance with him

4. Because I am pretty and irresistible

5. Because I am a doctor

6. Because I did a striptease in front of the ticketing male officer

7. Because economy class was full

8. As a courtesy to gomen officers like me

9. Because they were scared shit when I told them a very gruesome story on how I korek bijik mata orang

10. Because they just felt like it

11. Because I deserve it

12. Because I smell like a pussy

Please choose one of the above. If you know me, you’ll know which answer is correct…

Welcome home...

2007-06-08T19:37:00.000+08:00

Has it been that long? THAT long?

Almost 6 months. That’s half year. And many, many days.

My readers (the very few ones), are probably wondering...

Maybe I was abducted by the ‘ikan patin’ cult…

Maybe I got lost in the dense jungles of Pahang…

Maybe I decided to change my ways and live with the Orang asli...

Maybe I had lost ‘it’… you know…. ‘it’…

Maybe just plain lazy…

Maybe i couldn't be bothered anymore to share my mundane, insignificant life with anyone else...

No matter what excuse…

I have not forgotten my blog

As I read the archives,

is like being in a movie,

like flipping through the family album…

Where it all started, and when it all ended…

Familiar faces, familiar sounds, those smell, those smiles…

The heart aches, the victories…

Like... rujuk semula lepas cerai talak satu

Blog is like your home...

That home where you grew up in

Where your dried blood still stuck on the cement floor when you scratched your knee while trying to catch that stray cat with mak's freshly fried ikan bawal in his mouth...

Where your old cupboard, with your old clothes that mom refused to throw away because she didnt want you to grow up, still neatly folded...

Where behind the bed, is your pre-pubertal writings on the wall saying you had a crush on Michael J Fox during his Family Ties days...

That bed where you first dream a beautiful dream...

That dilapidated Raleigh bicycle that first taught you of independence and freedom...

That many things...

That tell you, you have lived...

I miss my home...

I miss my blog...

So, i am here again...

Home Is Where The Heart Is...

2006-12-16T21:09:00.000+08:00

In my 30 odd years of existence on the face of the earth, or to make it sound less dramatic, in my short career span of almost 10 years of serving the public (they dont call it public 'servant' for nothing y'know), I have worked at a few different places.

Big cities, small-almost-dead-town, far away from home, 10 minutes drive away from Mum's...

I have worked with and under different kinds of bosses, colleagues, support staff...

I became the physician, the surgeon, the butcher, the marriage counsellor, the sex therapist... I have cut, chopped, korek, lapah, circumcised, amputated...

Have worked with humans and non-humans (contoh: maggots....). U name it, i have done it.

I have slaved further thru another 4.5 more years to be where i am today. And all those blood, sweat, tears, money, trauma to the heart and soul.... was worth it. Every bit, every drop, every cent...

I wont deny that with further advancement in career will reap in more benefit such as increase in salary and allowances. But 'public servant tegar' like me would probably stay on and contribute to the beloved country and its people, till my service is no longer needed, rather than look for the greener pasteur out there ie. the private practice. But the future is none for us to predict kan....*wink wink*

Though my career did not take me to Europe, or Middle East, or even Southeast Asia, i did get a taste of a few different cultures and people of Malaysia. The urban Klites, the Orang Asli, the makcik and pakcik from kampungs in Kedah and Perak, the Datuk and Tan Sri...

After my 3.5 months rendezvous at the northern part of Malaysia (AS), right after passing my finals, i was transferred to Bandar T which is at the East Coast (hence my disappearance from the blogland).

At first i was skeptical and fuming. I was hoping to be sent to a big city like Melacca or Kuantan. After a decade in KL, i admit that i have become a city-gal. I would die-of-boredom-with-my-eyes-opened if I am to work at another dead town. AS nearly murdered my spirit.

Bandar T is a total alien to me. My first drive thru Karak was nerve-wrecking. I could see my knuckles turned white as i steered the car along the sharp bends. My heart was having arrythmia, dancing to the tunes of Paris Hilton (sedap pulak lagu dia ni.... she can actually sing????).

When i reached Bandar T, i drove thru the town. About 20 minutes later..... "Eh?? That was it??" No malls? No Watson?? No cinemas?? All i could see was Mini Market Rokiah.... Haiyoooo!!!!!

Yeah, it is a small town. But the hospital where i will be working at (the fifth one, just for the record) was a total contrast. It is bigger than the one i worked in before (later i found out, big in size but not in staff). It is a new hospital, fully equipped. I think di bawah RMK8 budget kut??

The Pengarah is very friendly. And he got 9 cats!!! (Dont ask me how i got to know about it). The support staffs are friendly too. I guess, everyone knows everyone over here.

My department has about 9 medical staff, and 4 non-medical support staff. I have only one MO under me. And another colleague, a Specialist, my new partner in crime. He is kinda nice too.

When i drove back to KL today to sit for my PTK exams on Tuesday, he smsed to say good luck and drive carefully. Awwwwwww.... my heart just warmed up.

See...... even small simple gestures like that can melt a girl's heart. But some guys are just too 'dungu' to notice and lack the initiative.

A signboard struck my attention.... Bandar T, Bandar Ikan Patin.... hmmmm. Ikan patin is my favourite fish, esp cooked with tempoyak. Slliiuurrrrpppp.... kembang all my salivary glands. Perhaps, that is a good sign.

I requested to stay at the hospital quarters. Prior to the move, a few people had told me about this hospital and its beautiful quarters. I was given the MO quarters since the Specialist quarters will be too big for me to stay there alone, according to the Pengarah.

At first i sulked. Hey.... since they are cutting my housing allowance and COLA, i should get what i deserve right??? Oh well...

The apartment is big. It has a master bedroom, 3 more other bedrooms, 4 bathroom, a big kitchen (probably 7 times bigger than the house in KL), 2 living areas, dining area, a store room, laundry area, lots of windows and its fully furnished too! Built-in cabinets, 2 sets of sofas, dining table for 8, king size bed, 4 other single beds, mattresses, pillows, tv cabinet.....

Maaannnn... and we are talking about the MO apartment here.

I was thrilled!! Anything bigger than this, would be a bungalow to me.

A new hospital,

friendly colleague and staff (no big boss to harrass me),

a comfortable, cheap, new apartment which is just a walking distance from workplace (can come home for lunch and prayers during lunch break),

bandar ikan patin (can get gulai tempoyak ikan patin from the hospital canteen everyday),

about 2 hrs drive from KL (can still come down to KL during sales or whenever i crave for Chillis),

a small, peaceful town, much less hectic than KL (ie less patients and workload)...

Everything is at a slower pace, just as I like it...

I think I am finally, home...

Passing By...

2006-11-20T14:23:00.000+08:00

It had been a month... yes, more than a month actually, since i last wrote.

I DID IT...

I PASSED...

After a gruelling 4.5 years.... i am now at another level higher than some counterparts.

I have progressed up another notch in my career.

I have achieved something that even i myself doubted in the very beginning.

I am jubilant... i am ecstatic... i am thankful...

I feel like on top of the world...

I have so much to tell, so many things to share.

Yet, all i can say...

Gembira.... tapi,

tak bahagia...

Forget-me-not...

2006-10-14T12:21:00.000+08:00

When desire turns to lust
When love turns to hatred
I forgive him…

When ego is bruised
When dignity is trampled
I do forgive him…

When good intentions are mocked
When self worth is burnt to ashes
I can forgive him…

When happiness is just a word
When respect never exist
I will forgive him...

When happy memories dissolve in the turbulent wind
When sacrifices are merely writings in the sand
When anger echoes like the thundering wave against rocks
I shall forgive him…

But how do I, ever

forget…

*******************************

I think i had been delusional.

Too optimistic in love.

I think i am not destined to love or be loved by another human.

Sometimes, parting is not as hurtful compared to the aftermath that you have to endure.

It really hurts when someone who once promised the world to you, turn against you, and backstab you with the most hurtful words imaginable.

Anger can change a man.

Love changes a woman.

A word can kill.

A sentence scars you for life...

Drama Minggu Ini...

2006-09-21T09:34:00.000+08:00

Scene 34, Take 3

(Suasana seperti di kafe, bunyi orang bersembang-sembang dan muzik latar lagu syahdu instrumental... Bach in C minor)

Z: I sedih la you nak tinggalkan I. Kita start sama-sama. Belajar drive to work sama-sama. Tapi you pulak habis dulu.

M: I pun sedih jugak. Banyak kenangan manis bersama. 4 tahun tu bukannya sekejap.

Z: I hope kita boleh grad sama-sama.

M: I think our graduation will be on the same day.

Z: U carilah boyfriend cepat. At least masa konvo nanti you dah ada someone special.

M: I dah malas. Dah patah hati.

(bunyi latar hujan rintik-rintik)

Z: Jangan la macam tu. Don’t give up.

M: Single kan senang. Tak banyak masalah nak fikir.

Z: Aisey… I takde sedara lelaki yang available la. Kalau tak, boleh I match make kan.

M: Thanks for your kind intentions. Kalau ada tu ada la. Kalau takde nak buat macam mana. Semua ni kan dah tertulis sejak azali.

(muzik latar bertambah syahdu – lagu Kenangan Yang Terindah by Samsons- memang takde kena mengena tapi lagu tu best)

Z: Jangan la macam tu. Find yourself a partner.

M: Mana la I nak cari Z. You nak cari sehelai baju anak pun punya la payah. Turun naik mall, nak kaler camni, nak pattern camtu. Lepas beli pun duk fikir lagi. Kalau I nak cari laki macam tu, orang kata I memilih sangat pulak.

Z: Hmmmm…. Tapi at least once a year kita kena attend conference and meet up like the good ole’ days. (nak tukar topik la tu)

M: Boleh. Cuma I takut semua bawak famili masing-masing. Lepas conference, semua sibuk berhibur dengan laki and anak-anak. I jugaaaaak yang tinggal terkulat-kulat sorang.

Z: Takkan la sampai macam tu sekali…

(I have heard all the sweet promises Z. I have heard them all. Sebelum kahwin, kaulah sahabat ku dunia akhirat, lepas kahwin, anak dah masuk 2 pun tak bagitahu. Family always come first, and I respect that. I hope you’re not like that though)

M: Huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa……

CUUTTTTT!!!!!!

Pain...

2006-09-21T09:17:00.000+08:00

It had been quite a while since I last wrote.

I had been too busy trying to complete my thesis and case reports, traveling from KL to up North almost every other week. The 6 hours journey on the bus was taxing, but had a lot of memories which will be blogged later (*that’s a promise*). Meetings with my Supervisor, correcting, printing, re-printing, errands at home, attending symposiums, workshops etc. took so much of my time and energy.

Last week that exertion really took a toll on my health. I was back to KL over the weekend to finally complete my thesis and submit to my Supervisor. I only had 5 hours of sleep within 2 days. I even corrected my case reports in the bus so as to save time.

Then attended a half day workshop, finished early but my friend asked me to accompany her to the mall. I just could not say no since she is one my best friends. So despite the headache and bodyache, I relented and we spent almost 2 hours going from one mall to another. When we got back, it was raining cats and dogs and we were both drenched. At home, I tried to catch some sleep but sis had a lot to talk about and we spent 2 hours chatting.

Aaaaahhhh… things that we do for people that matters.

By then it was time to travel back.

Slept throughout the journey, reached AS at the wee hours and managed to catch another hour of sleep. When I woke up, my whole body was aching, my ear hurt and I had a splitting headache. Paracetamol was my breakfast that morning…. and lunch….. and dinner.

The clinic was busy the whole day and I was on-call. Tried to swap with someone, but no one else was available. I already had 2 emergency operations scheduled that night and it was only 7pm. I was so stressed out and tired, I might be the one the anasthetist will be resuscitating in the OR instead of the patient. I prayed hard that the operations will be postponed till the next morning and the night will be a quite one.

I think God was kind to me. The operations were both postponed as they had a leaking aortic abdominal aneurysm (those of you who wanna know what AAA is.... no, not that Alcohol Anonymous thingie, google it) which will take all night, and I slept throughout the night without being disturbed. Even the ward was quiet without any complaints from the patients.

The next day the earache was worse, I had a fever, my head hurt, and my body was aching so bad I was practically dragging myself out of bed. Rushed to the ENT and voila! I had otitis media, a middle ear infection. Huh?? Where did that come from? But that explained my splitting headache. Perhaps from contaminated water that entered my ear during shower? Plus the stress that affected my immune system?

I was given the usual meds but that night the earache got so unbearable, I was crying in agony. Even worse than the migraines I usually had. The only painkiller I had was good ole’ Paracetamol. I was awake most of the night. When I fell asleep, I even dreamt that I was back to HUKM and was seeing my ENT colleagues there.

People say that you tend to dream about things that stress you out. But I just had a dream of making out with one of my exes last night… so how laaaa???? Maybe I was hallucinating with all those medications being pumped up into my system eh? Teehehehehe….

Anyways, back to the ENT I went the next day. They were surprised that I was back so soon. Probably thinking I was just looking for more mc, trying to get off work. But nope, my ear was more swollen than before. The Sofradex eardrop was just not working.

So my ear was cleaned by an instrument that was a minute version of a vacuum cleaner. Well, it sounded like one. It sucked out all the debris and almost my tympanic membrane too….. OOOOOOEEEEIIINNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!! Then an ear wick was stuffed into my ear so that the antibiotic stays within the canal. My left ear was totally blocked. I do feel like 'badak' for a while... as in 'pekak badak'.... geddit? geddit? Oh nevermind.....

That evening, the pain was more tolerable but I think it was with the help of Voltaren. It is a strong painkiller. Anything stronger than that would be DF118 or morphine usually given to cancer patients.

Actually, I am still in pain while typing this. Yeah the pain is coming. It is startinggggg. Ouuucch…. Oooowwww….. AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! The paaaiiinnnnnnn!!! The PAAAAAIIIIINNNNN!!!!

( I dunno why but suddenly the picture Fantasy Island came to mind, with Tatoo crying out... the planeeee.... the plaaannneeeeee!!!! Maybe they rhyme??)

The 30s Women...

2006-08-02T14:20:00.000+08:00

I got this e-mail from H, one of my best buddies. Thought i might share it with all of you out there. The best bit of course is saved till the last sentence... tee he he..

THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN.

This is for all you girls 30 years and over... and for those who are turning 30, and for those who are scared of moving into their 30's.
AND for guys who are scared of girls over 30!

This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes.

Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all.

Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it! She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.

For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire PIG, just to get a little sausage.

The Plight of The Eye Witch...

2006-07-21T12:38:00.000+08:00

I guess many of you are wondering how my life is like in AS, esp after the demise of my beloved Yibbe, and my emotional breakdown.

Err... perhaps not that many. To the few who actually follow the story of my life, i think i owe it to you to continue my ramblings.

It would have been easy to just stop blogging, but here is where i feel most safe and comfortable, be it from the PC of my bachelorhood pad in KL, at mum's, the office or the internet cafe.

Due to very limited access of the internet, i am unable to update as regularly and as much as i could.

I think just like felines, humans are very adaptive to the environment. After less than a month here, i guess i have adapted to a certain extent that i do not cry silently at night anymore.

I have turned the room into a comfortable place. I got almost everything i wanted, except internet. I finally managed to snatch a tv from mum's place. Even though that cost me another extra hour from my long drive from KL with a pit stop at mum's and back to AS all in one day. It is an old worn-down tv that might stop producing any pictures or sound anytime soon with the amount of tv i watch everyday. Well, at least i got to see Siti and Datuk K's press statement, perhaps her live wedding too eh?

I found my way around AS. Enough to cater for my basic needs... petrol station, supermarket, banks, eateries, fast food joints, internet cafes.... hey i even found Secret Recipe today. I guess it isn't that bad here. All i need is my car and curiosity.

Work is ok. The bosses are actually quite nice. Colleagues are nice too except one who is a big bully, as big as his size. I stood firm and did not give a damn even when he teased and made fun of me. It made my sadness over losing Yibbe more painful. But there was nothing i could do except to ignore him.

But these past few days, he was treating me better and with more respect. He even asked for my opinion on certain cases. Perhaps he had a change of mind. From what i heard, he was much worse before and always give others a hard time especially to the newcomers. No one was spared. Oh well, if you can't beat them, join them eh?

The supporting staff was also nice to me. They even asked me to stay longer than the 4 months that i am supposed to. Well, we'll just have to see.

Right now i am at the internet cafe. I wanted to look for the movie theatre, maybe catch Pirates of The Carribean. But as usual i got lost, went to another shopping complex instead. When i got out of the parking, i realised that the other shopping complex with the cinema was just next to the one which i went to. Ek ellleehhhh.... so i went back into the same parking place (the complex are adjoined and has the same car park). The young guy manning the car park looked at me curiously, he must be thinking that he was having deja vu when i passed by him again in less than 10 minutes. Tee..he..hee...

Alas i found the cinema, or what they call a cineplex. The word 'cikai' and 'kokak' has never had a better meaning. I bought a pirated VCD of Pirates of the Carribean instead.

Adeehhhhh.... is it August yettttt????

Missing you...

2006-07-08T17:47:00.000+08:00

On Tuesday, 4th of July 2006, at about 10.15am, Yibbe breathe his final breath.

As I just began my battle in this foreign land of heat and paddy fields, my beloved Yibbe finally had lost his own.

I was devastated. I felt like I have lost a piece of myself…

A week before I left to North, Yibbe showed some signs of improvement and both sis and me thought he was getting better. He was eating his food and biscuits. He looked alert when called.

He followed me to the door like the usual mornings when he would send me off to work. Previously as a morning routine, when he was healthier, he would accompany me out the door and walked by my side till I reach the car. Then he would walk back to the house, once I drove off.

On Saturday morning, he walked outside, actually staggered, due to his weak and thin body. He rolled on the cement floor and walked to me slowly when I called him. He could not see well, but he could smell me. He rubbed his nose against my legs. I let him out because he had been cooped up in the house far too long. My sis and I thought some sun and fresh air would do him some good. We never thought that it would be his last time to smell nature. His eyesight had long failed him.

On the next day before I left for AS, I took Yibbe to the vet, hoping that they could take better care of him while I am gone. I planned to come back in 2 weeks time for the course in KL. Hopefully he would be healthier and I could leave him at home with sis.

But Yibbe was not eating too well. My sis and I had to force feed him with the spoon. I was worried. But work was calling, and I had no choice.

The vets were wonderful. I have known a few quite well. They told me that Yibbe did not look too good, but they assured me that he would be taken good care of. Yibbe was clinging on to me. My arms and wrists were numbed from holding him.

Yibbe was a big cat and he still had some strength left despite of his thin, weak body. He was so thin that I could feel his every bones. He weighed 4.6kg when he was healthy, then 4kg after the Parvovirus infection. When we weighed him again, he was only 3.5kg. He lost 0.5kg just within a month, which was a bad sign. He was also very pale and dehydrated.

I left him with a very heavy heart. I kissed him goodbye, hugged him and put him in the cage. I left my kaftan with him, so that he would still feel at home. According to my sis, he held on to the kaftan, burying his face and nose into it, even to his very last moments.

I drove 500km that Sunday. Through 5 states. The journey that should take 5 hours, I managed at 4.5 hours, that including 4 stops, 2 for nature’s call, another 2 for gas…. where I was almost lost trying frantically to look for a gas station as the petrol indicator almost reached E.

It was my longest drive, and my fastest ever. I was doing 150km/hr almost all along the highway.

Dear God, please do not let me get a speeding ticket.

I was bawling my eyes out during the journey. Driving that fast with tears streaming down my cheeks, I know, was not a sane thing to do. But I was so worried of Yibbe and I was already missing him.

When I reached AS, I had to look for the hospital. I had to reach the office by 4 to arrange for my accommodation. I was only aided by the signboards. My friend who works there was in the OT, so she could not be reached.

I reached HAS for the first time. It is an old hospital, though a few blocks are new. It was a far cry from HUKM. I did not expect it to be anything near HUKM of course. But I was still shocked. I could not believe what I have gotten myself into.

I finally got a room at the houseman quarters. Then I decided to have a look at another room which was in a rented house, shared by some staff at the hospital. I thought i may need some human company so that i won't go insane. I opted for the houseman quarters as there was more privacy, cleaner and it was totally free.

Then I had to look for other stuff like mop, broom, small table, a book rack, toiletries etc. I was going round the town in circles. I finally settled down at nightfall. Cleaned up the room and made it as comfortable as possible.

It was so damned hot. It felt as if the fans (there were 2 fans, one is my table fan and another is the ceiling fan) were blowing hot air. I was exhausted but I had a hard time sleeping, probably because of the heat, or maybe the 4 cans of Nescafe I drank to keep me awake during the long drive, or maybe I was worrying and missing Yibbe. I slept on the floor around 2am, waking up a couple of times in between.

First day at work, I had another culture shock. Yeah, things are totally different. Gone were the days of fully air-conditioned workplace, clean toilets, good facilities, a variety of good food, etc. Here the people are more laid-back, the weather is hot, hot, hot, the toilets are… errr… not really clean. And for the first time I found a Hospital without its own canteen. Instead there is a ‘medan selera’ next to it that caters for both patients and medical staff. If I regard some eateries in KL are not hygienic, this is worse. And these places are well-known as typhoid area. But I can’t be eating on KFC and McDonalds alone can I?

That night, I had a call from the vet. Yibbe’s condition had worsened. He was very weak, very anaemic and he wanted me to prepare for the worst. Yibbe was not himself anymore. He refused to eat. He looked lost and depressed. And he was not responding to the medication. A blood transfusion was the last resort and I kept my fingers crossed.

I cried. And I cried hard. I was so sad and worried. I even called that someone and poured my heart out. If you read this, thank you for listening. It was a good thing I opted for that room, I was bawling my eyes out all night long. I did not need anyone to pry and ask too many questions.

I called my sis and told her the news in between sobs. I could not take leave on the next day as I had just reached AS. So I asked her to see Yibbe for the last time. So that he would not feel like we have abandoned him.

At first sis was reluctant. But she finally went the next morning. She even missed her class. She was the one who rescued Yibbe when he was a kitten, so she told me that she felt obligated to see him for the last time.

She called me at work, crying. Yibbe looked so ill. He was so pale and weak, much worse than the day I left him there. When she called him, he opened his mouth, trying to make a sound but couldn’t. The thing that saddened her most was when Yibbe tried to go towards her at the cage door. He recognized her voice but since he was so weak, he could not get up. Instead, he dragged his body till his nose touched my sister’s hands. Seeing that, my sis almost broke down.

And Yibbe was still holding on to my kaftan...

My sis and I were both crying on the phone. After discussing with the vet, we decided to end it all. No more medications, no more needles and drips. At first we thought of taking him home and letting him die peacefully at home. But he refused to eat or drink and that’ll make him suffer even more.

So, we decided to put him to sleep.

That was the hardest decision I have ever made. What frustrated me most was that I was unable to be there, to hold Yibbe for the last time, to hug him and kiss him goodbye. All my cats that had died, died naturally. This is the first time I had to put down a cat. And I felt so rotten inside.

I asked Abah, and he too agreed that we made the right decision for Yibbe.

Please dear God, forgive me…

I cried long and hard when I got home. Suddenly I felt so alone. I cried when I looked at his picture on my handphone. I cried when I saw his picture on my laptop. He was so cute and healthy back then. I cried as I wrote this.

He was not just a cat. He was our cat, our baby. Part of the family.

Yibbe…

it had been 4 days now,

and Mommy is missing you,

more than ever…

Money don't grow on trees...

2006-06-25T18:19:00.000+08:00

I was financially taken aback when Yibbe got sick. His hospital bills, his medication, special diet, his follow-up... was costing me a lot. But i didn't want to give up. Even though he is an animal, he is not JUST an animal. He makes me happy, so i owe him something. At least i can make his life happy towards the end. That is the least i could do.

I am moving up north come July. So need extra cash for the trip, the move etc.

A few conferences are coming up. I have to attend 3 local but major ones. That shall be costing me a lot too.... the trip back to KL, the registration fees and what not.

I shall not borrow from my parents. I think i have too much pride.

I will scrape through. Eat maggie if i have to. Cut down on my unnecessary expenses. Eat out less etc.

Let's not even mention the credit card payments...

As i ponder upon my financial woes, when i checked my account, i found a few extra grands in my bank, apart from the monthly salary. I was pleasantly surprised.

I think it was my backdated salary. I had just submitted my SKT forms and they have updated my tangga gaji.

The money came at the perfect time of need.

I am grateful. Helping out Yibbe was a good cause, and God has answered my prayers.

More Cats for Adoption...

2006-06-25T08:26:00.000+08:00

I found Chiko at the parking lot few weeks ago. He looks so much like CocoLee, i thought they could be from the same mother. He was thin, dirty and hungry. I noticed he was limping on one leg. I thought perhaps i could give him some food, then send him back where i found him.

So i fed him, then i put him outside the house. He sat at the door, waiting. I tried to shoo him away, he just sat there looking at me.

I let him in... again. This time, for good.

It always started off this way. One minute you didn't want the cat to go hungry, the next you just don't have the heart to let them go hungry for long. Like Misha, Memeng, Coco, Tamtam, Baby. I just have this soft spot for felines or other furry creatures. I mean, who else would cry her heart out watching National Geographic ehh??

I hope he finds a good home. Though he limps (i think he had a fractured or dislocated knee joint), he runs as fast when chasing after the toy mouse, and as playful as Coco and Tamtam.

Chiko on my sejadah. He looks excatly like CocoLee. I think he is about 4-5 months old.

See... But Coco's fur is more brown, hence the name Coco. But they look almost alike...

Coco and Chiko hitting off well together. My cats don't fight. Except Memeng who slaps all cats who comes near her, except Misha. If cats from different mommy can live under one roof together in harmony, why can't siblings from the same parents? Sad... isn't it?

Coco posing manja and Chiko was about to jump on the camera phone.

Chiko getting comfortable with the rest of the household. From upper left clockwise... Tamtam, Baby, CocoLee and Chiko.

Cats for Adoption...

2006-06-21T10:10:00.000+08:00

This post is not without a heavy heart...

I will be moving up north come July... then back to KL in November for my finals. Then in December i will be transferred to God-knows-where.

My sis will be holding on to the apartment as she is still commuting to Shah Alam to continue her studies. But it is unfair for her to look after the 11 cats alone.

Yeah, you didn't get me wrong.

ELEVEN...

I have 3 adult cats with one very sick, 2 six-months-old, 1 four-months-old (at least i think so), a mommy and her 4 barely-a-month-old kitties.

I am at wits end. I have asked my staff, my neighbours. I have pestered my parents to ask their cat-loving friends. I thought of sending them to SPCA but i know they'll put them down if at certain period of time, no one wanna take them home for adoption. It shall be my last resort.

This is my desperate attempt to find good homes for my kitties.

They are fun, loving creatures (apart from the occasional vandalism of furnitures and your legs). They brought me joy and happiness, when no humans could.

But i just cannot be their mommy anymore.

I need to take extra care for the ailing Yibbe.

Yibbe when he was still a picture of health.

Misha... 3 year-old. Healthy, fun, manja, can be fierce sometimes. Vaccinated, de-flead, de-wormed, neutered. Likes to sleep in high places.

Memeng... 3 year-old. Misha's best friend. Female. Vaccinated, de-flead, de-wormed, neutered. She is deaf. Loves the vacuum cleaner. She weighs a whopping 5.6kg. Loves to eat and sleep... takes after me actually.

Tamtam... 6 months old. Male. Vaccinated, de-wormed, de-flead. Loves to scratch my legs. Sleeps on sofa and anything soft and fluffy... that includes me. Extra ability - disappearing in the dark.

CocoLee. 6 months-old. Male. Vaccinated, de-wormed, de-flead. Very manja. Loves to lick my face in the morning to wake me up for Subuh. Tamtam's sparring partner. Like any macho stud, loves to scratch his balls like in this picture.

I have more pics of Baby and her 4 kitties, and Chiko our latest addition. But blogger dashboard is playing up.

Next entry then...

FeLV...

2006-06-17T06:11:00.000+08:00

It stands for Feline Leukaemic Virus. And that is what my darlin Yibbe has. No wonder he was still not well even after a week's course of antibiotics for the blood parasite from fleas infestation.

There is no cure for it. I was devastated when i heard the news. Have been crying day and night. I cry everytime i look at him. I felt so helpless. That is one of the worst feelings in the world... not being able to help your loved ones.

Between ferrying him to the vet, work and completing my thesis, i did not have much time for anything else.

Then i noted that he was bumping into things. Being an eye doctor, i was able to diagnose that Yibbe has bilateral uveitis, secondary to the FeLV.

He was going blind.

I was heartbroken.

Yesterday, i cradled him on my lap as i feed him. He ate from my hand. Then he put his paws on my chest and hid his head under my neck.

I just could not hold my tears...

Dazed...

2006-06-09T14:10:00.000+08:00

I am dazed and confused...

I shall be on-call 3 days in a row...

I will be the only Registrar left for the whole of my department, of the whole Hospital...

Everyone else will be in Singapore for the Asia-Pacific Congress...

I passed thru the crowded alley and saw wheelchairs with ED stamped behind the backrest...

It was supposed to mean Emergency Department...

But i kept thinking... Erectile Dysfunction...

Why? Oh why?????